Oh readers, I want not for news of dear Conrad's fate.
The Globe reported yesterday news that I was extremely shocked to hear. Lord Black is going down as the scapegoat for all of the white-collar criminals that got away, because they weren't members of the British Senate or arts and crafts mavens (if MALITM BAAN was around when Martha Stewart was convicted, I'd be a-stirring then too. She is a handsome woman.).
Black faces up to thirty-five years in prison. If he does serve this maximum, 62-year old Black will be ninety-seven when he comes out. And poor. This conviction is putting a serious strain on our relationship. Can't the jury see that?
And what did they convict him on? Obstruction of justice and three measly counts of mail fraud. It's completely ludicrous.
Black's lawyers have already started piecing together the materials for an appeal. Their star witness?
Me. I'm still here for you, Conrad, and I always will be.
*sniff*
Showing posts with label Conrad Black. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conrad Black. Show all posts
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Keep Your Fingers Crossed! Black Verdict Pending...
This afternoon, readers, my faith in God was reaffirmed. Black is not guilty. No, Lord Conrad Black is in fact, still innocent. Because he has not been proven guilty. Because the jury has yet to make up their minds.
The Globe reported early this evening that the jury told Right Honourable Amy St. Eve that it could not reach a unanimous verdict on one or more of the charges laid against Lord Black and the other defendants, of whom I (and the rest of the media) do not care about.
(Fine. John Boultbee, Peter Atkinson and Mark Kipnis. Happy?)
The jury, after delivering its note, asked the Judge to "please advise" them on how to let Conrad off the hook without having lead Prosecutor Eric Sussman burst into hot, justice-serving tears.
Both Sussman and the defense jumped into action after the note was read: Sussman begged (on his knees, like a twat) for the jury to deliver a partial verdict, while defense attorney Ronald Safer valiantly asked that it be recognized that the jury has been working very hard and simply cannot reach a verdict.
As I've said before, that jury is chock-full of middle-aged women. They can't spend hours in a deliberation room drooling over pictures of Conrad Black and find the time to write an apology to Sussman for ending his career. I know I certainly can't.
***
Readers, this is breaking news. I am interrupting my string of nonsense to tell you that my dear co-host has mentioned that the jury might be hung. (Laughs.)
***
Readers, I have just been told what a "hung jury" means. No, this is not innuendo. This smells like victory. They actually interrupted Canadian Idol to serve this up. Jury deliberations are supposed to continue Wednesday, but I'll see if there's anything coming through the billions of interconnected tubes that make up the internet and tell you tomorrow. Sleep light, darlings. Tomorrow night might be cause for celebration.
Unless, of course, you're a Hollinger stockholder.
The Globe reported early this evening that the jury told Right Honourable Amy St. Eve that it could not reach a unanimous verdict on one or more of the charges laid against Lord Black and the other defendants, of whom I (and the rest of the media) do not care about.
(Fine. John Boultbee, Peter Atkinson and Mark Kipnis. Happy?)
The jury, after delivering its note, asked the Judge to "please advise" them on how to let Conrad off the hook without having lead Prosecutor Eric Sussman burst into hot, justice-serving tears.
Both Sussman and the defense jumped into action after the note was read: Sussman begged (on his knees, like a twat) for the jury to deliver a partial verdict, while defense attorney Ronald Safer valiantly asked that it be recognized that the jury has been working very hard and simply cannot reach a verdict.
As I've said before, that jury is chock-full of middle-aged women. They can't spend hours in a deliberation room drooling over pictures of Conrad Black and find the time to write an apology to Sussman for ending his career. I know I certainly can't.
***
Readers, this is breaking news. I am interrupting my string of nonsense to tell you that my dear co-host has mentioned that the jury might be hung. (Laughs.)
***
Readers, I have just been told what a "hung jury" means. No, this is not innuendo. This smells like victory. They actually interrupted Canadian Idol to serve this up. Jury deliberations are supposed to continue Wednesday, but I'll see if there's anything coming through the billions of interconnected tubes that make up the internet and tell you tomorrow. Sleep light, darlings. Tomorrow night might be cause for celebration.
Unless, of course, you're a Hollinger stockholder.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
"Cross Your Fingers" Now Slang for "Empty the Accounts and Head for the Border"
This is it, readers. Lord Conrad Black's fate rests in the combined 24 hands of twelve, mostly female jurors.
After a slanderous lifetime of Prosecutor Eric Sussman's final statements to the jury, the Globe reported that, besides being sexy, "Lord Black... sat stone-faced... as Mr. Sussman spoke . He seemed weary, looking up at the ceiling and sighing as he and his co-defendants were once again called liars by the prosecution."
I have nothing to worry about, and I'll tell you why.
a) Sussman ended his closing remarks by showing the Jury a 2002 email written by Black, which read, "Two years from now no one will remember any of this." And Lord Black was totally right. This investigation bullshit didn't really heat up until 2005. So there, Sussman. Your email is a moot point.
and
b) The jury is MOSTLY FEMALE. Other than the offchance of all of those women being lesbians, there is no way that they will be able to resist the cool, collected charms/wiles/money of Lord Conrad Black. He's the George Clooney of the corporate world, minus the compromising 1980's mullet photos. And because the decision has to be unanimous, it looks like Conrad's going to walk.
...
Conrad, if they convict you you can stay in my basement.
After a slanderous lifetime of Prosecutor Eric Sussman's final statements to the jury, the Globe reported that, besides being sexy, "Lord Black... sat stone-faced... as Mr. Sussman spoke . He seemed weary, looking up at the ceiling and sighing as he and his co-defendants were once again called liars by the prosecution."
I have nothing to worry about, and I'll tell you why.
a) Sussman ended his closing remarks by showing the Jury a 2002 email written by Black, which read, "Two years from now no one will remember any of this." And Lord Black was totally right. This investigation bullshit didn't really heat up until 2005. So there, Sussman. Your email is a moot point.
and
b) The jury is MOSTLY FEMALE. Other than the offchance of all of those women being lesbians, there is no way that they will be able to resist the cool, collected charms/wiles/money of Lord Conrad Black. He's the George Clooney of the corporate world, minus the compromising 1980's mullet photos. And because the decision has to be unanimous, it looks like Conrad's going to walk.
...
Conrad, if they convict you you can stay in my basement.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
A Black Victory!
Success! Today, the Globe and Mail reported that Conrad Black is one step closer to freedom.
Prosecutor Eric Sussman asked the Honourable Amy St. Eve to drop the money laundering charge against Lord Black this morning. What is it, Sussman? Know you can't stand up to Conrad's iron defense?
That's what I thought.
The Prosecutors are in the process of wrapping up their case against Lord Black, which still contains 16 more counts, including fraud, being too awesome, and other ridiculous allegations (except the being awesome bit. Conrad is guilty as charged on that one. But he shouldn't be convicted... I'm messing myself up. Conrad should not go to jail).
The defense will begin to present their case tomorrow. The upcoming court forecast? We're expecting some sweet sweet truth with a good chance of a complete acquittal. Oh, and if you live in Toronto? Pretty bloody hot and rainy.
Prosecutor Eric Sussman asked the Honourable Amy St. Eve to drop the money laundering charge against Lord Black this morning. What is it, Sussman? Know you can't stand up to Conrad's iron defense?
That's what I thought.
The Prosecutors are in the process of wrapping up their case against Lord Black, which still contains 16 more counts, including fraud, being too awesome, and other ridiculous allegations (except the being awesome bit. Conrad is guilty as charged on that one. But he shouldn't be convicted... I'm messing myself up. Conrad should not go to jail).
The defense will begin to present their case tomorrow. The upcoming court forecast? We're expecting some sweet sweet truth with a good chance of a complete acquittal. Oh, and if you live in Toronto? Pretty bloody hot and rainy.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Tell Me Lies, Exonerating Lies
First and foremost, I feel I must apologize. Matt is working his ass off, blogging up a storm, while I shamefully enjoy the creature comforts of home, mainly ice-cold lemonade and lots of XBOX.
But I am back, newslings, and ready to defend Conrad Black's honour once again. Not that I really need to, thanks to Edward Greenspan.
After The Toronto Star reported on May 10th that Greenspan got Lord Black's ex-partner-turned-traitor David Radler to admit to lying on the witness stand, things have really started to look up for Conrad (not that they really looked down before. I mean, the legal system would never convict someone who was perfectly innocent. Oh, shut up, Milgaard).
Today, the Globe stated that Judge Amy St. Eve put the smackdown on Radler after another of his whiny tirades that the trial's defense lawyers (this time John Boultbee's attorney, Gus Newman) weren't asking the questions properly.
The Honourable St. Eve was reported to have said [slightly paraphrased], "Radler, shut yo' mouth, and answer the questions."
If Radler wanted to avoid answering pressing questions, he could have pulled an Alberto R. Gonzales - I mean, how easy would it have been to say, "I do remember advising non-compete payments, but I don't remember to whom, or where, or what suit I was wearing, or how many pieces of gum were stuck under the desk..."
Oh God. I should totally get this information to Conrad. Apparently, it seems more and more likely that Lord Black will take to the witness stand himself.
Not that he'd lie on the stand, of course. He's no Radler.
But I am back, newslings, and ready to defend Conrad Black's honour once again. Not that I really need to, thanks to Edward Greenspan.
After The Toronto Star reported on May 10th that Greenspan got Lord Black's ex-partner-turned-traitor David Radler to admit to lying on the witness stand, things have really started to look up for Conrad (not that they really looked down before. I mean, the legal system would never convict someone who was perfectly innocent. Oh, shut up, Milgaard).
Today, the Globe stated that Judge Amy St. Eve put the smackdown on Radler after another of his whiny tirades that the trial's defense lawyers (this time John Boultbee's attorney, Gus Newman) weren't asking the questions properly.
The Honourable St. Eve was reported to have said [slightly paraphrased], "Radler, shut yo' mouth, and answer the questions."
If Radler wanted to avoid answering pressing questions, he could have pulled an Alberto R. Gonzales - I mean, how easy would it have been to say, "I do remember advising non-compete payments, but I don't remember to whom, or where, or what suit I was wearing, or how many pieces of gum were stuck under the desk..."
Oh God. I should totally get this information to Conrad. Apparently, it seems more and more likely that Lord Black will take to the witness stand himself.
Not that he'd lie on the stand, of course. He's no Radler.
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