Toronto No Longer 'facebook' Capital of World

Where once Toronto was able to claim it was the facebook Capital of the World, it has been usurped. Fortunately, it has gone to our former colonial overlords in London. While Toronto's facebook dominance coloured the social utility with various urban concerns and 'facade saving' expeditions (from Sam The Record Man to CityTV trucks to the Sheppard Subway line to'Let's Resurrect Honest Ed'), now Londoner's concerns will come to the fore.

Finally we can all hear about how much everyone hates the 2012 Olympic logo and be emotional scarred by the image of Lisa Simpson performing oral 'favours' just in time for the big release Simpsons Movie. Maybe we'll hear about the next coffee shop-bound single mom who will take over the world with her series of novels sooner, or something about the Queen.

THE INTERNET WAR: 'Ask' Won't Tell

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this semi-irregular segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

It has been a while, fellow revolutionaries, since I have commented on the State of the Revolution. This is hardly due to a lack of material (the talking heads of the Reactionaries and the Doubters will gab and gab) but our faith in the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995 has held firm. The Vanguard of the Revolution has been under attack. Google, say the Reactionaries, is 'bottoms' when it comes to privacy. The company has come under fire for keeping searches tucked away in a supercomputer--a supercomputer that kind of looks like that room at the end of Raiders of the Last Ark. It seems Privacy International (or Privintern) fails to realize that the Internet is not about 'privacy'.

'Privacy' is a pitiful notion whose heyday was before the Glorious Revolution of 1995. The Internet is about communication, breaking down the walls that restrict information and letting these autonomous abstractions roam wherever they may. Except if that information is music and it roams into onto the hard-drive of a 14 year old girl. But if it roams into the hands of a potential employer, that's the Glorious Tubes @ Work. There is no reason to feel any shame about your Jell-O fighting past, in fact, you were good at it . If your employer can't appreciate that, well then, they can't appreciate you. It would've been a great Christmas Party. Everyone seems so worried about 'THE MAN' finding out their personal information. There is no MAN. It's just us, Revolutionaries, running the world from the blue light of a computer screen.

The only thing more frightening for the Privacy Junkies, more than keeping their Truth from their potential employers, is keeping it from Corporations Who Sell Things and Advertise.

No revolutionary abstraction has gotten as much heat for this as 'facebook' (NO! I WILL NOT CAPITALIZE, I WILL SPELL HOW THE CAPITALISTS TELL ME TO!) facebook is a social networking site where people post their information for all to see. But it is not simply a way for Torontonians to wear badges of civic-action through group-joining. What's the difference between you showing everyone in the world 'Where You've Been' and the guy who wrote that application selling that high-quality information that would otherwise cost hundreds of thousands of dollars for a market research firm to collect to Expedia, Travelocity, and Priceline?

It looks like the only people who should be pissed are market-research companies. The Internet is creating the climate for Perfect Information that makes Markets efficient. Finally everyone's most base and suppressed desire will be known to The Supplier who can create the perfect Jell-O fighting vacation to the Yucatan peninsula you never knew you wanted, until The Internet made it all possible through AGGREGATION.

KNOW THY SELF? Never better than The Internet knows you.

But! Ask.com, a paltry revolutionary compared to the Vanguard-Google, says no that outdated 20th Century notion that 'privacy' is worth something. 'We will protect your privacy.' says Ask.com. They have already posed as the Vanguard before, now they reveal their true REACTIONARY COLOURS by trying to revive archaic 'privacy'. AskEraser? What are they trying to 'erase'? The Revolution, that's what!

We will not let them! Crush the revisionists! Long Live The Revolution! One! Nine! Nine! Five!

The Galaxy Needs You!

No, this is not another post about how you'll be able to lick Darth Vader's behind thanks to the US Postal Service. No, fair reader (-- or soulless abyss that is the Internet, drain on my soul and free time), the Galaxy really does need you, for SCIENCE!

As it turns out the work of painstakingly classifying the galaxies of the infinite blackness of Space is just too tedious for the big brains of the professional scientific community. They'd much rather be weighing black holes. So these Poindexters and Poindextresses have enlisted the greatest tool mankind has ever known for the purpose of classifying mountains and mountains of otherwise undecipherable, unsurmountable and nearly infinite data: Web 2.0.

New Mexican (?) astronomers (who of course have their degree in astrophysics, not the by-mail Miss Cleo service) have put together Galaxy Zoo and are enlisting volunteers to sift through the wormholes, star systems and nebulas and tell them what's what. The monstrous 'tag cloud' that ensues will hopefully give them more information on how the universe is shaped, in turn how the universe was formed, and what Exit to get off to find God's House.

Or, volunteers will be massively distracted once they discover a constellation that kinda looks like David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger off the floor...

UPDATE: There's a facebook group.

THE INTERNET WAR: Wikipedia? FUTUREpedia!

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

Ah, readers, I have stumbled out of bed - still smarting from my post-Canada Day hangover - to steal Matt's segment for a sec while I serve up a juicy piece of news (which, to be fair, is two days old).

The events surrounding the deaths of wrestler Chris Benoit and his wife and son were strange enough, but then (insert suspenseful music) the internet got involved.

In particular, the ever-popular, controversial encyclopedia website Wikipedia, where news of his wife Nancy's death surfaced fourteen hours before the bodies were discovered by authorities. The article had been remedied to say that, according to the Globe, "the Canadian wrestler missed a match Saturday night due to 'the death of his wife Nancy.'"

This has sparked yet another brouhaha over Wikipedia, the credibility of its articles and contributors, and its unstoppable power to provide you with filler information on History essays that you have to have done by the next day... ahem.

While they have their little spat, I would like to turn the attention of you intelligent readerfolk to what I can't believe Globe writer Cassandra Szklarski failed to mention (perhaps she was trying to spell her own surname?) - Wikipedia can effectively predict the future.

Alright, so it may be the very near, or shall we say, immediate future, but its the future nonetheless. To all you Wikipedia naysayers, I say...



Lucky for you, this entry isn't real.

...yet.

THE INTERNET WAR: Google Says

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this semi-irregular segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

Everyone knows and loves Google, All-Powerful Overseer of The Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet. If you don't love Google, I'm not speaking to you (because you're probably not reading this in some kind of protest of Blogger, a Google-owned service). However, if you don't know/love Google (with all your heart) you are clearly in the minority. According to Nielsen/Net Rating, Google dominates 55% of all internet searches. Not only that but it has relentless pursued the valiant goal of being the Vanguard of the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995. The aforementioned Blogger! Pwned by Google! YouTube? Google!

Alas, being such a noble Revolutionary Vanguard will rile the Reactionaries. Don't be fooled! For those Luddites are not the only obstacle that tries to tie the tubes of The Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet! Amongst those who claim to be part of the Revolution are the Revisionists, the Trotskytes of the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995. Behold! Ask.com, trying to *gasp* impinge upon Google's 55% domination of Free Internet Searches. Here is one of their calls to arms for you to print out and burn:What is this?! Revisionism, we spit on you! I want to be able to navigate the whole internet without changing colour schemes! I want to only need one password! The day will come when Do No Evil will not just be a corporate axiom, but the creed that unites us all! What has Ask.com done for the Revolution lately? Postured, yes. But also advance a campaign entirely through traditional media - posters! That is not Web 2.0! That is not even Web 1.0! Now, savvy revolutionary, you may say. Do they have a choice? Can they effectively "go viral" when their rival effectively OWNS the traditional avenues of viral campaigns? (Viral campaigns are the Five Year Plans of the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995) If they were part of the Solution (which would, of course, be Revolution) rather than part of the Problem, they would already by VIRAL.
OK, but other than gobble up the properties that innovate The Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is the Internet, what has Google done lately as Revolutionary Vanguard? Well, they have decided they "like The Internet the way it is" AND THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. However, they want to make it work...without the Tubes (and/or in the event of losing the Tubes). Then how is it The Internet if you are not instantaneously connected? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? NAY. One more time: NAY. This is the first step to make the real world the Internet. This is the beginning of Googliality. And it is the next step in The Revolution! Take that, Ask.com. Because, Google's gonna be laughing all the way to the GBank, counting its GDollars and partying with its GString clad GHookers and GBlow.*

Crush the Revisionists! Long Live The Revolution! One! Nine! Nine! Five!


*Google does not endorse either of these products or product concepts, but likely retains the trademark anyway. Suckas.

THE INTERNET WAR: MySpace strikes back!

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this semi-irregular segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

Many of you, Faithful Internauts, may have heard of the Ontario Provincial Government banning the use of Facebook, MySpace and other social networking during company/taxpayer time. That means no blogging in the workspace, no pictures of the boss at the Christmas party on the facebook, and damnit no Billy Talent.

Well Billy Talent and the ever resilient Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet struck back. Productivity in any and ALL of its forms have slowly been being strangled by the noodley appendages of The Internet. In response to managers, bosses, teachers and the outcome obsessed desk jockeys across the nation (Reactionaries! Each and all!), MySpace renewed its assault. Yesterday, a new page was turned in the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995, a bold offensive was taken on Canadian soil: MySpace Canada launched.

You may be saying to yourself, naive but noble Internaut, how could a web site open in one country? Why would a web site, never once limited by borders or chilly-palmed customs agents, pay respect to any national boundary? After all isn't that the purpose of the Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet, to impregnate every border and allow human potential to truly be realised?

Ah, but you fail to see, alas I almost fell prey to the same narrow-mindedness, the SHEER BRILLIANCE of the Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet! It is using the last vestiges of the Reactionaries to its own (far nobler) ends. It is personalizing it's assault to each nation, language is no barrier! LA LANGUE N'EST PLUS UNE DéFENSE! You see, MySpace Canada est bilingue. Oui, er...yes, my friends: The Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet is not only bringing the world together in the embrace of its series of tubes, but also bringing Canada together. If only Sir John A. had seen the information superhighway, and how it would render nation-unifying railways obsolete. No other force in the history of TIME has ever been such a great force for good. (Look how good it is! Do you see all of the rich text I can EDIT!?)

Crush the Reactionaries! Long Live The Revolution! One! Nine! Nine! Five!

THE INTERNET WAR: when zombie snails attack!

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

Reactionaries are popping up all across The Internet now-a-days. These Reactionaries intend to undo the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995 that opened The Internet to every creature with thumbs (and some without them, Dan). Much like with any revolution though, the Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet must displace all that came before it. This process is sometimes called 'creative destruction' and economists love it. So, do some mathematicians...generally people who hate creativity love creative destruction.

The principle of creative destruction is that the oppressive previous communications technology, which is inferior and named as such, snail mail, will one day be thrown off by the masses. Snail mail will come to a violent demise as pencil pushers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but the legibility of your handwriting! Snail mail has no appeal in our time of instantaneous communications. Instead of writing a letter by hand and sending it by snail mail you can now 'txt ur pal in SPaolo' for rllz in less than .5 seconds. There is a reason they call snail mail 'snail mail'.

Now Reactionaries, who The Internet will crush with its Vastly Superior Communications Technology, are trying to revive snail mail and, even, the handwritten word. I will give you a moment to recover from your disgust. THERE IS NO TIME! HARNESS YOUR DISGUST! TURN IT INTO THE BLOOD OF YOUR ENEMIES! PER LA RéVOLUCION!

The Reactionaries say handwritten letters are more meaningful then emails! When Leslie broke up with me by txt mssg was it any less meaningful!? No. How is signing up to write letters using The Internet against itself more meaningful? (The Internet is not happy about this and will punish you by hindering your access to porn) You may not even know the person you are writing the letter to by hand and you are paying to send it by snail mail! You may as well be talking to someone random on the Facebook or the MySpace or the Web 2.0 *all are hushed in Your presence*. How is the mere practice of moving your wrist and manipulating the digits on ONE hand more meaningful then rapidly moving the fingers on TWO? How will you justify using your txt-isms when you need vowels to connect your handwriting?

Crush the Reactionaries! Long Live The Revolution! One! Nine! Nine! Five!