THE INTERNET WAR: Google Says

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this semi-irregular segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

Everyone knows and loves Google, All-Powerful Overseer of The Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet. If you don't love Google, I'm not speaking to you (because you're probably not reading this in some kind of protest of Blogger, a Google-owned service). However, if you don't know/love Google (with all your heart) you are clearly in the minority. According to Nielsen/Net Rating, Google dominates 55% of all internet searches. Not only that but it has relentless pursued the valiant goal of being the Vanguard of the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995. The aforementioned Blogger! Pwned by Google! YouTube? Google!

Alas, being such a noble Revolutionary Vanguard will rile the Reactionaries. Don't be fooled! For those Luddites are not the only obstacle that tries to tie the tubes of The Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet! Amongst those who claim to be part of the Revolution are the Revisionists, the Trotskytes of the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995. Behold! Ask.com, trying to *gasp* impinge upon Google's 55% domination of Free Internet Searches. Here is one of their calls to arms for you to print out and burn:What is this?! Revisionism, we spit on you! I want to be able to navigate the whole internet without changing colour schemes! I want to only need one password! The day will come when Do No Evil will not just be a corporate axiom, but the creed that unites us all! What has Ask.com done for the Revolution lately? Postured, yes. But also advance a campaign entirely through traditional media - posters! That is not Web 2.0! That is not even Web 1.0! Now, savvy revolutionary, you may say. Do they have a choice? Can they effectively "go viral" when their rival effectively OWNS the traditional avenues of viral campaigns? (Viral campaigns are the Five Year Plans of the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995) If they were part of the Solution (which would, of course, be Revolution) rather than part of the Problem, they would already by VIRAL.
OK, but other than gobble up the properties that innovate The Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is the Internet, what has Google done lately as Revolutionary Vanguard? Well, they have decided they "like The Internet the way it is" AND THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. However, they want to make it work...without the Tubes (and/or in the event of losing the Tubes). Then how is it The Internet if you are not instantaneously connected? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? NAY. One more time: NAY. This is the first step to make the real world the Internet. This is the beginning of Googliality. And it is the next step in The Revolution! Take that, Ask.com. Because, Google's gonna be laughing all the way to the GBank, counting its GDollars and partying with its GString clad GHookers and GBlow.*

Crush the Revisionists! Long Live The Revolution! One! Nine! Nine! Five!


*Google does not endorse either of these products or product concepts, but likely retains the trademark anyway. Suckas.