Parliament Gone Gab-Mad

Prime Minister Harper decided today was a good day to put on his dancing shoes and do the defelct-criticism two-step. In what must be admired in terms of Parlimentary back-and-forth as being at least a Category 4 bitchstorm, three of the most prominent members of the House got all tangled up.

It starts with Opposition Leader Stéphane Dion: "The Minister of Defence must step down!"

To which Harper responds: "You never served in the Armed Forces so I don't have to listen to you."

Opposition Deputy Leader Michael Ignatieff counters: "You know, I was just looking over your commendable military records in caucus last week. I think I have them here...let me just," *motions getting folder, opening invisible folder* "Oh yea: you don't have any."

Harper: At least I lived in this country for the last thirty year. Tax-dodger.

Ignatieff: Ohno you didn't.

Harper: Ohyes I did.

That's right there was a Canadianess-off in the House of Commons today. Not only that, but Stephen Harper tried to rebuke all criticism of the Afghanistan mission. This is, of course, remarkably consistent if you look at how:
-civilians (that is non-military folks) put the troops on the ground, and therefore should not say anything about what happens thenceforth
-and, how Harper only listens to the most expert folks. Like the non-French-speaking Francophonie Minister way back, or listening to environmentalists on the environment.

If you haven't join the CPAC facebook group! Don't you see what you're missing?

(By the way, winner of the Canadianess-off Dr Ruby Dhalla, quelle surprise?)

Almost Sea to Sea, but not yet, to Sea

Across the provinces of this great land, well it's been an election year, and other things have happened.

Let's start off with the most recent province out of the election harangue. That would be Prince Edward Island, where a new Liberal dynasty has ousted the longest serving premier in the province's history. He has been replaced by the Son of Ghiz. If past indications give us anything to hope for, nationally speaking, Ghiz the Younger will need to contend with the expectations of The Dynasty. Just ask Paul Martin the Younger. Premier Ghiz, it should be known: I'm watching you.

In Ontario, ol' Dalton McGuinty has been hopping to the photo-ops in preparation for E-DAY. First, Arnold Schwarzenegger (mentioned earlier) but also David Suzuki who is now the Canadian Tire Guy of Ontario's PowerWise initiative. Furthermore, McGuinty's government is sticking it to the man for the people. *Sigh*, that's what it's all about. His government announced the outlawing of giftcard expiry dates...by making a giftcard expiry date expiry date. Coming soon: no more expiry dates. I guess he was sick of all those half-off kitten giftcards expiring. Man's gotta eat. Ontario is also both angry about MP redistribution under the new Conservative bill (C-59?), saying its under-represented. More on the upcoming Mixed Member Proportional Representation referendum in coming months.

Manitoba, of course, recently saw the election of a record third majority for the New Democrats under Gary Doer. What makes them new at this point? Was it Gary's oh-too-hip slogan "Manitoba: Just Do'er". How are things in the great middle province? Well...stable, so so. Those Nova Scotians seemed to have spread the mumpocalypse up that way but that Human Rights Museum from the Asper's should be show-- GarybettmanbrieflymentionedWinnipegasapossible (maybe, we'll see, it is kinda cold sometimes...) viableNHLcityonHNICMonday??! OHMYGAWD.

Also, the man who looks like he should have some kind of record for being around a long time, Lorne Calvert is sticking it to Harper à la Daniel Williams. The Saskatchewan and Newfoundland (and Labrador) premiers are quite livid with Mr Harper after his equalization scheme 'solved' that pesky fiscal imbalance. Which explains why there is no First Minister's conference as planned, well except for Lorne he showed up. Anyone notice Saskatchewan and NL are the two provinces with the most unique time zone definitions. I believe Saskatchewan has no day light saving's and NL has the half hour. Maybe Williams/Calvert would be more effective if they didn't have a problem coordinating meetings? Ever notice that Williams always says "Newfoundlander and Labradorian", that takes practice.

The Toronto Star will soon be featuring a regular section on Alberta as part of its redesign called Alberta Now. I just thought the only thing more mildly antagonizing to Albertans than not including them at all in this little run-down would be to mention them only as they are in the Toronto Star. I kid, Alberta, because I love. Also, the Pickton trial is not the only thing going on in BC. But it's the only thing you hear about.

But seriously, the Jets back in the 'Peg. Awesome.

Future Killer-Robot Pledges to Fight for Science

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dalton McGuinty have signed two memoranda of agreement between Cal-EE-FOR-nya and Ahn-ter-yo on the topics of stem cell research and climate change. Like his loin cloth wearing alter-ego, Arnie has chosen to wield a double-edge sword. This time, it's the sword of modern science. Like said alter-ego, he will use it to cut through any girly man that gets in his way! New super-heat resistant amphibious-Californians will be able to withstand the extreme temperature and flooding caused by the climate change, that Hollywood (/North) prevented by switching to compact fluorescents.

Arnold is definitely one to practice what he preaches. Look at the Terminator series, now that's a morality play I can get behind.

Next, Arnie at 24 Sussex and he is there to PUMP STEVIE UP.

A Black Victory!

Success! Today, the Globe and Mail reported that Conrad Black is one step closer to freedom.

Prosecutor Eric Sussman asked the Honourable Amy St. Eve to drop the money laundering charge against Lord Black this morning. What is it, Sussman? Know you can't stand up to Conrad's iron defense?

That's what I thought.

The Prosecutors are in the process of wrapping up their case against Lord Black, which still contains 16 more counts, including fraud, being too awesome, and other ridiculous allegations (except the being awesome bit. Conrad is guilty as charged on that one. But he shouldn't be convicted... I'm messing myself up. Conrad should not go to jail).

The defense will begin to present their case tomorrow. The upcoming court forecast? We're expecting some sweet sweet truth with a good chance of a complete acquittal. Oh, and if you live in Toronto? Pretty bloody hot and rainy.

The Loonie Tops 93 Cents, Matt and Lauren still going for free

Ladies and gents, and ego-boosting 2 commenters,

It's been a pleasure to make it all the way past 40 posts (with only few, brief metapauses). At this landmark occasion we will be marking it with an index. These posts provide a glimpse at some of the inside jokes, so that you too can be au courant with our Matt and Lauren hijinks. (All this, without having to watch Mitsou Gélinas) Admittedly we are young and have a-ways to go, but we build and hopefully things will stick.

Robo-Manatee 1, 2, 3

Dr Ruby Dhalla 1, 2

Frisco (Dog) Bag Fiasco 1, 2

Markham 1

Lauren Loves Conrad

Internet Wars

Maybe we'll actually be a podcast some day...Feel free to congratulate us below.

The Baird's Tale

I have to admit, readers, I did get a little excited after all Matt's talk about Environment Minister John Baird's "ramming" escapades.

Today, the Globe reported that Baird may be getting "counter-rammed," so to speak.

This morning, tree-hugging hippie super-group Friends of the Earth Canada filed a lawsuit against the government, alleging that because they haven't been regulating greenhouse gases as well as they have, say, foreign strippers, they could be violating not only the UN convention on climate change but (gasp!) the Canadian Environmental Protection Act.

To put it plainly, it's on.

Later today, critics of the government's plan, called "Turning the Corner" (a name which won out, incidentally, over "Let's Assrape the Wetlands" and Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day's suggestion, "Boo Environment") say that it lacks specific detail on implementation, and contains many loopholes that may impair its effectiveness.

Baird was also subjected to heavy questioning concerning the upcoming G8 Summit - more specifically, whether he was going to side with Germany's "Let's kick some greenhouse gas ass" policy, or the United States' "No targets, no timeframes, no mercy" plan.

Baird said of Canada's involvement: "We'll be going to work cooperatively with all members of the G8."

Albeit, he did do so waving the Stars and Stripes and mouthing, "Love you, George."

I don't know what David Suzuki was on about. Old Johnny's not letting us down a pinch!

To forty posts...

...we salute... ourselves.

In Communist China, Priorities Make you

Four hours and 64 years after getting shot in the head, doctors removed the bullet from Jin Guangying, 77. She was shot when by partisans (presumably by accident) during the Japanese invasion of China in World War II. In the immediate aftermath she survived thanks to her mother's care ("homecare") though the bullet went unnoticed. Except for, you know, periodic headaches and recent airport security checks.

It would seem that had this happened in Canada it would have taken at least 65 years. Especially, considering the rate at which Stephen Harper has been getting through his Five Priorities. Let's take a gander, why don't we?

-Federal Accountability Act, rammed through by John "ARGH" Baird. Parliamentary pages rejoice at new laws made just for you!
-The Environment, oh, that wasn't there before. Rather, a massive shift in public opinion made it a priority. Legislation: pending, being rammed through by John Baird...
-Make our streets and communities safer, John Baird can only be in so many places at once!
-Write a book about the history of hockey...it's become more of scrapbook of him dropping pucks for the troops. How about the Sens? Can he say he did the Sens?
-Oh, there it is...Health Care Wait Times, pretty much the perennial number one for Canadians. Still no movement. How soon will the provinces be getting together with Harper to sort that one out? Anyone? Danny Williams? Well thankfully he followed through on cutting the GST. Those Lauriers make great gauze!

In Communist China, Blogs Post You!

Today, the Globe and Mail reported that the Internet Society of China has maintained the iron (curtained?) control over the Asian nation's bloggers. The government-sanctioned group requires Chinese blog hopefuls to "register with their real names and identification cards."

Take that, ilikehats87 and sxy_chnz_chk!

The rules set out by the ISC contradict rumours claiming that the Chinese Government was going to stop being total e-dicks and loosen their grip on online identification guidelines.

Globe writer Alexa Olesen reports: "Critics [of the ISC rules] say the requirement violates a blogger's right to freedom of expression and puts them at risk of punishment or imprisonment if they post controversial opinions about politics, religion or other issues."

We at MALITM (BAAN) totally agree. If we Canadians suffered by the same token, think of all the e-bullying, online stalking, web-based sex predators, and kiddie porn our country would be missing out on!

If this doesn't faze you, I ask you to consider this example that, no doubt, hits closer to home. The next time you're on facebook.com, check out Lovelace, that sexy-voiced penguin from the movie Happy Feet. Now, we all know that that profile isn't actually Lovelace. Even if Lovelace was a real penguin and not computer-animated and voiced by Robin Williams, we all know that penguins cannot type, and barely read.

In China, under these new rules, a clever child fresh from the movie theatre couldn't just go home and create a blog for Lovelace, even if he or she really, really wanted to. And, for those of you doubting Thomases or Tinas who are asking, "Who wants to be friends with a fictional penguin, anyways?"

Well, Thomas/Tina, I sure do.

So, just remember that censorship, whether direct or indirect, is totally wrong, and Chinese people should not be afraid to blog anonymously and write whatever they like. The Green Tea crop a little nasty this year, my friends to the East? I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

NOTE: I love Stephen Harper, CSIS, the Judicial System, The RCMP, environmentalists, the Town of Markham, and anyone else that may be pissed off at me right now. Oh, and the Chinese Government can do no wrong. Never ever.

Victoria Day/Journée Des Patriotes

Happy May Two-Four long weekend!

Some of you may have heard of the recent C40 Cities conference on climate change. As a patchwork of legislation blankets, the world (think of it as a hemp quilt) due to the inaction of national governments, C40 cities are aiming at a "Zerofootprint". Toronto would be one of these eager cities, partly due to its desperate effort to attain "world-class" status.

Anyway, to all the GTAers (and TAists who have come by these netherparts) we present our recommendation for having a greener summer. While everyone definitely wants to get out, get away, they wanna go, they wanna fly away (damn you, Lenny Kravtiz and your infectious cover of American Woman from way back), here at MALITM: BAN we recommend a more environmentally-friendly destination: Markham, Ontario.

Think about it. David Miller's on your ass about your carbon emissions and the gas-man wants you to pay his exorbitant gas-prices, come to Markham, Canada's Hi-Tech Capital! Close enough to take the GO train (heck even the TTC'll take you there) for Torontonians, Markham has so much to offer!

Are you a visible minority? So is 56%* of Markham, but don't worry if you're not!
Do you enjoy overly complicated border disputes? Step into the Great Thornhill Debate! Is it in Vaughan or Markham? By the end of this discussion you'll feel like you're in a very dispassionate part of Cyprus!
Are you a recent immigrant to Canada who is underemployed? Throw your resumé into the pile at Motorola, Genesis Microchip, IBM, or ATI (recently merged with AMD)!
Do you own an iPod? Apple computers has some kind of operation in Markham, you can drive by and take a picture with the Apple logo!

Markham so much to offer, just check out this aerial shot:WOW.
*All facts, photos are courtesy Wikipedia, and are therefore not worth their salt. We love you Markham!

Go, Parliamentary Bickering, Go!

Opposition parties are demanding the Conservatives release their 'Playbook of Parliamentary Hiijinks: Not for Opposition MPs Naanananaana'. The 'Playbook' is a breezy 200 pages and was first reported on in the National Post. While preparing a sweet spitball, Government House Leader Peter Van Loan insisted that his party wants "to work together with all parties in the House". Then he shot the spitball and Liberal Baird-doppleganger Mark Holland.

Admittedly, the last few months of government have seen an escalation in bickering (enough to leave old Mike Duffy flabbergasted). Personal insults about mental proficiency, though not new to the House, have become increasingly common. Such insults included a dangerous game of "Prescribe Psychiatric Medication with no Qualifications" by one Conservative MP. This is, of course, the reason CPAC was invented, people.

The Conservatives have instead chosen to focus on issues of clear moral salience, like foreign strippers. Now, if I may, I suggest that being able to get strippers from every corner of the land is part of what makes this land so great. A veritable booty-mosaic, if you will. Harper is going up against the unstoppable market forces of free trade. Canadians demand booty, and strippers who supply it in surplus at home come to Canada to meet demand. Now strippers from Club Super-Sex in Montreal will be forced to meet demand across the country. But then, in a move out of the 'Playbook', the appeals programme of the Official Languages Committee has been undone. How will Marie-Claire send 'Ti-Jacques to the underfunded French-language school that is his right in Alberta/Saskatchewan/Manitoba?

You know what? No one should be giving anybody any books about how to be ineffective in Ottawa nowadays. Maybe they've all gone Cup Crazy TM.

Gordon O'Connor Also Buys Future Shop's Lifetime Warranties

In what can only be described as an error of omission, Gordon O'Connor announced today that the actual cost of supplying new (used German and Dutch -- Dutch?!) Leopard 2A6Mv tanks for Canadian troops in Afghanistan is double the initial cost reported to Parliament. Apparently, his thumb was covering the service cost contract for the next 20 years when he was last speaking to the issue. Well, glad he got back to us when he did..after all, it only doubled the cost from $650 million to $1.3 billion.

No biggie, right? Water under the bridge. I mean it's not like a government has ever been turfed for not being forthright about spending from the public purse. I hope the leopard print is nice...

Strippers a no-no at the Conservative Party - Unless they've got decent papers

The Conservatives are, according to an article written today in the Globe and Mail, taking action against the admittance of foreign strippers into Canada. Immigration Minister Diane Finley plans to introduce legistlation that would deny work permits to "working girls."

Many think that the move is a response to the Liberal "strippergate" scandal, where temporary work permits were issued for over 600 exotic dancers before 2004.

What I think?

Though Finley, no doubt, "works hard for the money, so hard for it, honey," she never quite made it in the stripper biz.



I mean, she really has that whole "wife-at-home" vibe that really kills a stag party (or liberal candidacy rally). And next to the foreign stripper, it's really hard for Di to keep her status as a "10" in the Conservative Party (not Canadian politics as a whole, of course. Have you SEEN Ruby Dhalla?).

Though Finley cites the reason of protecting "vulnerable foreign workers" for the new bill, I think looking above provides some clarity on the issue.

...

I really hope the bill doesn't pass, or all my parties are going to suck.

THE INTERNET WAR: MySpace strikes back!

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this semi-irregular segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

Many of you, Faithful Internauts, may have heard of the Ontario Provincial Government banning the use of Facebook, MySpace and other social networking during company/taxpayer time. That means no blogging in the workspace, no pictures of the boss at the Christmas party on the facebook, and damnit no Billy Talent.

Well Billy Talent and the ever resilient Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet struck back. Productivity in any and ALL of its forms have slowly been being strangled by the noodley appendages of The Internet. In response to managers, bosses, teachers and the outcome obsessed desk jockeys across the nation (Reactionaries! Each and all!), MySpace renewed its assault. Yesterday, a new page was turned in the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995, a bold offensive was taken on Canadian soil: MySpace Canada launched.

You may be saying to yourself, naive but noble Internaut, how could a web site open in one country? Why would a web site, never once limited by borders or chilly-palmed customs agents, pay respect to any national boundary? After all isn't that the purpose of the Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet, to impregnate every border and allow human potential to truly be realised?

Ah, but you fail to see, alas I almost fell prey to the same narrow-mindedness, the SHEER BRILLIANCE of the Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet! It is using the last vestiges of the Reactionaries to its own (far nobler) ends. It is personalizing it's assault to each nation, language is no barrier! LA LANGUE N'EST PLUS UNE DéFENSE! You see, MySpace Canada est bilingue. Oui, er...yes, my friends: The Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet is not only bringing the world together in the embrace of its series of tubes, but also bringing Canada together. If only Sir John A. had seen the information superhighway, and how it would render nation-unifying railways obsolete. No other force in the history of TIME has ever been such a great force for good. (Look how good it is! Do you see all of the rich text I can EDIT!?)

Crush the Reactionaries! Long Live The Revolution! One! Nine! Nine! Five!

Dhalla Pour La Chefferie!

Grace au manque du vrai changement au parti Québécois (et un course à la direction qui me laisse bien décu J'annoce qu'ici à Matt et Lauren au Matin (mais vraiment le soir) nous appuions Dr Ruby Dhalla pour la chefferie du PQ. Ici, le mouvement "Draft Dhalla" commence!

Elle represente un vrai changement pour le PQ. Elle a tout ce que Mme Marois a, et plus!

Une femme forte qui est commis à la justice sociale. Un réputation bien fort comme politicienne. On dit que c'est le temps pour la première femme de devenir, pourquoi pas la première Bramptonienne? Sikh? Vedette de filme "Bollywood"?

Racial Snaps: Now with more salt!

The Globe and Mail reported yesterday that Dalton McGuinty has finally left the political high road when it comes to campaigning.

After two years and $32 million in grants to various Ontario ethnic groups, the Ontario Liberals' spending has been called into question by both the province's Conservatives and New Democrats. Reporters asked the Premier if he was suggesting that by questioning the grants, the opposition parties were 'racist.'

Dalton's reply zinger: "I'll let Ontarians draw their own conclusions."

Oh SNAP!

McGuinty's remark is thought by the opposition parties to be a ploy to appeal to Ontario's undecided, ethnically diverse regions, by raising public concern that Conservative leader John Tory and NDP leader Howard Hampton are, in fact, robe-wearin', cross-burnin', slur-sayin' racists.

Furthermore, the Premier waited two weeks before agreeing with Tory's statement that racism did not play a part in the questioning the grants.

It still remains to be seen if damage has been done. John Tory, ever quixotic, remarked on McGuinty's actions: "Dalton McGuinty was the one who said he was going to change the premier's office. I think the premier's office has changed Dalton McGuinty."

Counter-snap!

Tell Me Lies, Exonerating Lies

First and foremost, I feel I must apologize. Matt is working his ass off, blogging up a storm, while I shamefully enjoy the creature comforts of home, mainly ice-cold lemonade and lots of XBOX.

But I am back, newslings, and ready to defend Conrad Black's honour once again. Not that I really need to, thanks to Edward Greenspan.

After The Toronto Star reported on May 10th that Greenspan got Lord Black's ex-partner-turned-traitor David Radler to admit to lying on the witness stand, things have really started to look up for Conrad (not that they really looked down before. I mean, the legal system would never convict someone who was perfectly innocent. Oh, shut up, Milgaard).

Today, the Globe stated that Judge Amy St. Eve put the smackdown on Radler after another of his whiny tirades that the trial's defense lawyers (this time John Boultbee's attorney, Gus Newman) weren't asking the questions properly.

The Honourable St. Eve was reported to have said [slightly paraphrased], "Radler, shut yo' mouth, and answer the questions."

If Radler wanted to avoid answering pressing questions, he could have pulled an Alberto R. Gonzales - I mean, how easy would it have been to say, "I do remember advising non-compete payments, but I don't remember to whom, or where, or what suit I was wearing, or how many pieces of gum were stuck under the desk..."

Oh God. I should totally get this information to Conrad. Apparently, it seems more and more likely that Lord Black will take to the witness stand himself.

Not that he'd lie on the stand, of course. He's no Radler.

La Course au Troisième Place: Juste Marois

**English follows**

Plus vite que je puisse finir ma première rédaction au sujet de la cours à la direction du Parti Quebecois, le candidat-vedette s'est retiré. Cette cours, qui a commencé avec la démission de l'ancien chef André Boisclair, est très important au futur du mouvement souvrainiste. Maintenant, Gilles Duceppe, qui a été souhaité favori dans les médias anglophones s'est déjà retiré de la cours après un jour. Jusqu'à 11h ce matin il n'y avait aucun candidat à la direction officielle. À 11h, Mme Pauline Marois s'est annoncé officiellement. Elle est présentement la seule candidate.

Pourquois le mouvement souvrainiste se trouve-t'il avec aucun course à sa direction? Au lieu d'un cours, on voit un couronnement d'une femme du vieux Parti. Même si sa langage, aujourd'hui, decrit la modernisation du programme du Parti, ça fait sa troisième candidature pour la chefferie.

L'esprit de l'élection de M. Boisclair était censé être pour le renouvellement du programme de souveraineté. Le programme n'a pas change et les Québécois et Québécoises l'ont rejeté dans la dernière élection. Au lieu d'adopter le renouvellement sous leur chef "dynamique", le Parti lui a rejeté. Chaque fois qu'on a mis son leadership en question, on parlait des vieux soldats du mouvement M. Duceppe et même M. Landry, qui retourneront pour retirer le mouvement des feux d'enfers.

Est-ce que j'accuse le souverainisme d'être dans l'embrasse de la mort. Non, mais, comme quelque hors des réalités quotidiennes de ce mouvement, j'observe que ça ne veut pas changer. Ça veut toujours retourner à un âge d'or, quand Saint-Réné émanciperait la nation et on a battu le modèle québécois de la "démocratie-sociale". Détroisième place, le passé avec des gouvernements majoritaires du PQ, semble bien accueillissent pour ceux qui cherchent des réponses.

**(En anglais/In English)**

Pardon my attempts to exercise my broken French (it's part of rehabilitation, the doctors say). Before I could even finish writing my post on the "race" for Third Place, the star-candidate pulled out. This race, which started with the resignation of André Boisclair, is very important among separatist circles. Now, Gilles Duceppe, who basically started all this noise, has pulled out due to his low numbers in Quebec (not just the PQ, but all of Quebec). He was the English media's designated White Knight for the sovereigntists, you may recall. Until Mme Pauline Marois announced her candidacy at 11:00 AM there were no candidates in the race for the PQ chefferie. There are still no other official candidates.

For all the talk of the necessity of renewal, the ONLY candidate in what has been called a "couronnement" (crowning) is a third time candidate. In fact, whenever Mr. Boisclair's leadership was called into question the replacements suggested seemed to bounce between old hands of the sovereignty movement: Duceppe and Landry. Wasn't Boisclair supposed to be the new face/voice/generation of the PQ...Macleans?

As an outsider, it looks like the separatist movement is yearning for the simple days of being told what to do by St. Réné with the aim of emancipation and the Quebec model. I'm not going to call the separatists for being in "the death throes"--they're full of surprises. Last March's fall to third party seems to have led to a great clamour for the past in the PQ.

Aircraft-Carrier vs. Mahmoud

Dick Cheney is making promises to personally send people to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons and an upper hand in the Middle East. It is easy to see why the US doesn't want Nuclear-Mahmoud to go nuclear. However, his skillz just aren't where the game's at.

Threats? Dramatic posing on an aircraft carrier? Are you trying to show Mahmoud "Hey, I'm a vastly technologically and military preponderant superpower" when you really mean to say "I care". I thought so, Mr Vice-President.

This is precisely what our good friend the nuclear powered Robo-Manatee is for. Not only does it shoot lasers out of its eyes (bound to inspire love and respect from any world leader) but it is also a master of etiquette and protocol. Like C-3P0 but less of a pansy. Yes, Dick, we both know last thing America is is a pansy. I urge you, deploy Stan the Robo-Manatee to solve your diplomatic troubles. He mixes some fierce drinks and is excellent in all kinds of date configurations (double, harem, secret service, "with my fist").

Mr Cheney go with the 'Tee, Robo-Manatee that is.
****
Update: If you see any nukes, uh...lying around. Er...If you see any nukes lying around, y'know don't panic and maybe...check out the information here. (ahhhhhh)

Loose Lips Render Ships Leaky (therefore less buoyant and more likely to sink)

It's hard being the New Government of Canada, it's like being the really, really hot girl. All the guys are flocking around you trying to figure out who you might like, what you like in your overly elaborate corsage, etc. Really all they seek is validation, but all you want is to throw off the shackles that are your pompoms and be free on the road, running off with the...Ahem. OK it's nothing like being the hot girl.

I digress. Let's take the two cases compared by the GAM this morning as I sipped my coffee.
Case 1: the gentleman who leaked the Tories revised environment plan. Jeffrey Monaghan is an avowed anarchist who recently participated in opening an anarchist book store. I like those I hear they're payment optional. Wait-a-sec. Mr. 'A'-in-a-Circle, if you ... and you're working for the government. Isn't it kind of like Lenin working at McDonald's? So Jeffr-'A' (surnames are the shackles of my ancestors)'s actions aren't unexpected. Kudos to the government on a backgrounder on this guy. Now this gentleman is facing prison time....in itself that's kind of ironic for an anarchist. Anyway he's complaining.
Case 2: the gentleman who leaked Senatorial overspending on a trip to Dubai. Jeffrey Kroeker has a surname that often leads to him being confused with Nickelback on the guest-list. More importantly he is now a senior Tory Cabinet aide working under the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. Why the hell would there be such a drastically different outcome. It definitely has nothing to do with the odd synchronization of a government bent on reforming the Senate and damning evidence of a lack of Senatorial accountability. No, that could hardly be the case.

The moral of this story? Never trust ANYone named "Jeffrey", "Geoffrey" or "Geo/Jeff". Especially not the Toys'R'Us monstrosity, or the rascally kid from Family Circus.

3 Reasons for Sunday voting

In an effort to increase the effectiveness of the Tory Vote Mobilizing Machine for the next elections, The Tories are trying to extend elections to two days (Sunday noon-8PM [8:30 Newfoundland] and Election Monday) to increase voter turn out. They've also extended the election hours to just after church services are finished. So after getting pumped up on Jesus, the West Edmonton Christian Assembly can go straight to the polls!

Or, how about this one? OK. In an effort to debilitate former Canadian Alliance leader (Air Farce one-liner) and current Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day's faintest hopes of attaining the PMO, voting starts on Sunday. Everyone remembers that Stephen refused to campaign on Sundays for church/family time. CONJECTURE: Stockwell is making Martinian/ Gordon-Brownian/ Duceppian moves to pull the Conservatives from under Stephen Harper's feet. Just a suggestion, if I ever heard a peep from the Conservative caucus.

Or, Harper is just trying to boost voter turn out through a back-flank attack on the Lord's Day.

"Blair" Thee Well

You may be saying to yourself "Where did Matt get such a sweet picture of British PM Tony "MC Scrachez" Blair doing his sweet air-turntable move?" My answer: a Canadian Press photo from this CBC article about Blair's departure. That's right Tony "Didn't Get a Cool Nickname like the Iron Lady" Blair is departing the premiership (here he is seen...wafting something). Citing his unprecedented three terms (totaling near to a decade in power) as enough. He will be departing June 27. I'm setting my watch by it.

Blair, as a good New Labour-ite, learned from Chairman Stalin's mistakes. He decided not to pursue the traditional life term sought by others. Nor did he grow the 'stache, that would've been weird. Try blinking and not seeing Tony Blair with a moustache. Couldn't do it. Won't be able to, for the rest of your life.

Apparently Blair is leaving New Labour in much the same shape as Jean Chrétien left the Liberal Party. I can't wait for the Scottish Stéphane Dion to burst on to the scene in a cloud of 'no one giving a crap.' (A no prize if anyone can give Stéphane Dion a really good Scottish name, or photoshop him as Scottish as possible)

Congrats Chairman Blair, for making New Labour just like New Coke. Red, but without any of the original reasons anyone liked it in the first place.

THE INTERNET WAR: when zombie snails attack!

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

Reactionaries are popping up all across The Internet now-a-days. These Reactionaries intend to undo the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995 that opened The Internet to every creature with thumbs (and some without them, Dan). Much like with any revolution though, the Vastly Superior Communications Technology that is The Internet must displace all that came before it. This process is sometimes called 'creative destruction' and economists love it. So, do some mathematicians...generally people who hate creativity love creative destruction.

The principle of creative destruction is that the oppressive previous communications technology, which is inferior and named as such, snail mail, will one day be thrown off by the masses. Snail mail will come to a violent demise as pencil pushers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but the legibility of your handwriting! Snail mail has no appeal in our time of instantaneous communications. Instead of writing a letter by hand and sending it by snail mail you can now 'txt ur pal in SPaolo' for rllz in less than .5 seconds. There is a reason they call snail mail 'snail mail'.

Now Reactionaries, who The Internet will crush with its Vastly Superior Communications Technology, are trying to revive snail mail and, even, the handwritten word. I will give you a moment to recover from your disgust. THERE IS NO TIME! HARNESS YOUR DISGUST! TURN IT INTO THE BLOOD OF YOUR ENEMIES! PER LA RéVOLUCION!

The Reactionaries say handwritten letters are more meaningful then emails! When Leslie broke up with me by txt mssg was it any less meaningful!? No. How is signing up to write letters using The Internet against itself more meaningful? (The Internet is not happy about this and will punish you by hindering your access to porn) You may not even know the person you are writing the letter to by hand and you are paying to send it by snail mail! You may as well be talking to someone random on the Facebook or the MySpace or the Web 2.0 *all are hushed in Your presence*. How is the mere practice of moving your wrist and manipulating the digits on ONE hand more meaningful then rapidly moving the fingers on TWO? How will you justify using your txt-isms when you need vowels to connect your handwriting?

Crush the Reactionaries! Long Live The Revolution! One! Nine! Nine! Five!

Stephane Dion: MAKE-OVER

Shuffles in the upper echelons of Stéphane Dion's politico-non-campaign campaign machine suggest he's up for a makeover. Here at Matt & Lauren in the Mornin', but Actually at Night there's nothing we love than a good makeover. So we thought we'd volunteer our own Stéphane Dion Makeover. Here is Stéphane now:

Jeez, even for his official glam-shot Stéphane still looks like he's offering to do your homework in exchange for fewer wedgies. Paper in the foreground! All this says about Stéphane is that he can read documents that are printed on white paper! BLANDORAMA. What does Stéphane believe in? Well he has his three pillars let's try: ENVIRO-MENTAL STéPHANE:
Mmm...maybe this is too enviro...mental. This might alienate voters who are, already alienated by his environmental stance. Though the thumbs up is a definite bonus and the solar panel says "I like technology, I'm not all wonky granola"...so let's keep the good and drop the bad. Maybe play with that whole steel-coloured hair. Everyone loves of silver-spandex jumpsuit:

New hair style kind of reminiscent of Sir Wilfrid Laurier. It's very shiney, the kids love their bling. Although Harper does have the whole robot thing basically in the pocket. Stéphane wants to play up how passionate he is, how nouveau génération he is.
Politics is all about streetcred. As in appropriating various popular culture figures to advance your own cred. Like Paul Martin and Bono. Unfortunately this makeover won't do it all, because Stéph went to sperm-donor to the stars, K-Fed (Kevin Federline, you know, Britney Spear's ex-husband), for fashion advice. I'd keep the PIMP cup, "cause I'm all for gettin' 'crunked' like it's hot", but the earrings are too grandma-Dion. K-Fed doesn't mean 'Kanadian-Federalism' Stéph, you'd better back off!

Well let's take the best of the new and the old, and we get Stéphane "Stéph" Dion 2.0 (I am the user-driven content):
Cheers, Stéph 2.0, cheers.

Cans and Bottles in the Blue, Non-Compete Payment Documents in the Black

Well, if it isn’t the Lord Black prosecutors, being total dicks again.

This morning, the Globe and Mail reported that the Prosecutors (or the American Crown, for those Canadians following along) have asked the presiding Judge - the Honourable Amy St. Eve - to introduce a collection of Lord Black's 'musings' as evidence against him. Some of these memos were contained in the 13 boxes that Lord Black is accused of smuggling out of his 10 Toronto St. office, violating a court order and a subpoena prohibiting the removal of documents from said office.

What the media tries to make a footnote in this whole story is that Lord Black returned the boxes three days later. It's clear to me, and obviously doesn't need any further probing, that Lord Black was merely taking the documents out for a lively stroll - did you know how nice is was May 25, 2005? I mean, you'd be crazy not to take your Hammermills out on a day like that.

Oh, but wait. The Globe, with all of its finger-pointing and snobbery, listed not one, but two dates constituting when Lord Black took the boxes out. Was it the 20th, Globe, or the 25th? Seriously, the link is there. Check it yourself.

Though I am severely concerned about the reliability of this article, I will press on. For Conrad.

The topics of the memos vary greatly, as do the contents of the boxes. The Globe reports (and remember, take this with a grain of salt) that: "One [memo] covers a range of topics ranging from tax shelters to a discussion about secret recordings. In another, Lord Black praises his colleagues for winning the "great battle" against non-compete payments. He also discusses personal expenses such as his chef in London and his chauffeur."

Okay, so I see nothing wrong with discussing secret recordings. Watergate wasn't that long ago - Lord Black was probably doing his famous Nixon impression... you know... "Ooh, Checkers, why did I make those bloody recordings..."

The only semblance between the two of them is that they both weren't crooks. Well, Conrad's not. Really.

I also need to stress that the Globe failed to report on the other contents of the box, unfinished love letters from Lord Black to me.

*maniacal laughter, followed by crying*

Copyright? That's a stretch

Copyright law is a familiar struggle to Canadians and many people in the post-industrial world. Intellectual Property can set the eyes of many teenagers a-glaze as they fire up bitTorrent, YouTube or whatever. Then there are the real fringe: the teens who could teach you the real facts about copyright law. Those are the pirates. Swab your deck. I digress: the context in which you usually hear copyright law and intellectual property bandied about is movies and music. Occasionally (if, like Bono, you care about Africa for example), you hear it in the context of pharmaceuticals. How about Yoga?

Yes, no-fat cappuccino-shucking yuppies around the world may soon see their repetoires severely limited. Already some Yogagurus make their charges pay to teach "their" techniques. The Indian government is seeking to build a database to secure their cultural heritage so others can't make money off it. You know what that sounds like: communism. Not like centuries-old wisdom should be shared by those who can actually stretch that way. Or like Lauren and I were charged by a Montreal Yoga-monk $1.25 for his book (feat. the Beatles). You know what else: yoga means "union", as in maybe the "Yoga of Socialist Soviet States"? WHO SAID THAT!?

I wonder what Dr Ruby Dhalla thinks about all this?

Now I've got to watch Spider-Man 3 off YouTube, wait in line at the movie theatre? Psh.

Boisclair

So, the exam time post-slump is mostly over. That is, if Lauren and I can pull ourselves out of the bottle.

Speaking of pulling out of slumps and abusing intoxicants: PQ leader Andre Boisclair has resigned his post just in time for the opening of the first Assemblé nationale where he PQ is neither government or opposition since the party's founding.

This outcome has been described as inevitable as well as "triste", and RDI has been covering the story with a fine-toothed comb since about 11:00am (Eastern, 9:30 in Newfoudland). While CBCNewsworld was telling me about... another Taiwanese parliamentary brawl. Sometimes I worry about the pulse of the nation.

Speculation on the whole thing has immediately turned to Gilles "Gills" Duceppe to step down from the BQ to the PQ. After all that business Gills did of wooing English Canada with his wolf-like gaze and his nasal debates, it would be a shame to see him leave the national scene. Or would that be move to the national scene?

Also, Muchmoremusic's show "Nosedive" was doing a profile of Tara Reid. You know, since Tara Reid's boob has been exposed people have been wondering: who would do best in the next sex-gross out comedy/horror movie? Dr Ruby Dhalla. Not an imposition, just a suggestion.