The Solution to Global Warming

So it turns out the earlier post about global warming is moot. Pay no attention to ... well, the Catholic Church's new acceptance of the issue, the Harper government's 'plan' or Ed Stelmach. Um, if you actually were paying attention, that is.

Fear not! The Solution and Real Cause TM have been found by an intrepid Arkansian/Arkansasian/Arkansasite with a thirst for scientific inquiry. The recent bout of record temperatures this March have a clear cause:

This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know, Daylight Saving Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they?

DID THEY? DID THEY??!

Courtesy El Reg.

(Disclaimer: The original clipping was produced in the spirit of parody. A fine art. A fine art, that I should be warned about at the beginning of any related news article or by conspicuously small print at the end.)

Pope says 'Yes' to Harper's Green Plan

In a strange confluence of events, the Tory green plan has been met not only with Papal assent (er...recognition that the faithful must respond to climate change) but also, much more difficult to procure, Albertan assent.

If you think of the timing of the announcement, it's not too bad: the Conservatives managed to be one whole day ahead of the Catholic Church's response to climate change. I mean I knew Canada's New-Car-Smell Government lessthanthrees priorities and rapid responses, but it barely eked out the Roman Catholic Church. If the Catholic Church has represented anything in the past 2000 years it has been slow, slow, slow acceptance of new ideas (as in only accepting them when they become old ideas, if at all).

In terms of Alberta, 'Steady Eddy' Ed Stelmach has announced comfort with the federal plan as it is largely synchronous with the Albertan green plan announced earlier this year. Hold the phone. For all their reputation, Alberta had a green plan before the Feds? Needless to say, the Albertan plan, just like the Fed plan, has been judged to only be all small part of what is necessary.


Well, at least now we have God on our side.
xoxo
-Matt

NOT ROSIE TOO!

Now Rosie O'Donnell is leaving The View! After a relentless stream of fem-betrayals I'm loosing hope in the fairer sex. Not that I in any way subscribe to the belief that women are fundamentally treacherous and have been since Eve gave Adam that sweet sweet apple that I carry in my larynx to this day. No, that would be ridiculous. There is one woman I trust: Dr Ruby Dhalla.


This Brampton Liberal MP (and former Bollywood-actress) is the solution to all my woes.

So your star Ontario Fem-P wants back into her dad's business, all the strong female role-models seem to have run off with Tie Domi. Who you gonna call? Dr Ruby.

So your woman, who's presence on the scene is supposed to represent an unwavering commitment to environmental ethics, cuts a deal with Stephane Dion. You're dishearted, disillusioned and disturbed by the various analogies to high school model insert modelled government institution nerd-love. Who you gonna call? Dr. Ruby.

Who will have the gall to stand up to Donald Trump and his smarm-over? Who can, in a state of constant feuding, capture public attention just by the sheer dislikeabilty of both parties? Not Dr Ruby, she's a sweetheart. Maybe that's why they want Alec Baldwin to take over Rosie's spot on the couch. It would still be better if they got Dr Ruby.

Who you gonna call when you need a some sweet, Sikh seduction? Hey! Dr Ruby's not that kinda gal. She's a DOCTOR of Chiroprac-ticality...Sick jerk.

xoxo
-Matt

Justin-Time in Papineau

JT (not Timberlake but Trudeau) is campaigning for the Liberal nomination in his Montreal riding. Unfortunately he's going to have to call the Ghostbusters 'cause according to the GAM:

Everywhere Justin Trudeau goes, the ghost of Pierre Trudeau goes with him.

This is hardly news, its not like he's campaigning in a riding that is literally next door to his father's old riding of Mount Royal. But the idea of a pirouetting ghost in "a melting pot of halal butchers, Pakistani groceries, [and] Italian espresso bars" is just creepy, I don't know maybe its just me. The point of the whole 'melting pot' play by the GAM was to exemplify how Trudeau faces an uphill battle because, instead of being in a riding full of rich anglophones, he has to appeal to immigrants. You know immigrants, those who traditionally hate the Liberals for their strict immigration policies and history of generally being bigoted...needless to say he's being hung out to dry.

As for being compared to Papa Trudeau, JT's having none of that. He insists "I am who I am"...and "Just watch me".
xoxo
-Matt

Conrad, You'll Always be in the Black to Me

Oh, Lord Black, you valiant soul you.

The Globe and Mail reported this morning that, despite the (heinous) allegations and consequent trial that Canada's home-grown Napoleon is currently faced with, Lord Black is still "keeping a watchful eye over the Hollinger companies he once ran."

Honestly, how can this man be considered a potential criminal? I mean, we all know the legal system has its shortfalls - but LORD BLACK? Possibly the most innocent person on the planet? I mean, fresh babes from the womb have a bigger rapsheet.

If you are not convinced - listen to Lord Black's comments, made Tuesday:

“I want a neutral, sensible caretaker regime, and then I will refinance Ravelston and try to recover some value for the Hollinger shareholders... This is their only hope of not being wiped out completely.”

The heroism! The grandeur!

How can this man be guilty? HOW???

Conrad, I'm rooting for you.

**FULL DISCLOSURE**
The author has "a thing" for anyone with a Napoleon complex, including but not limited to Conrad Black, Napoleon, and the author herself.

B-B-But B-B-Belinda!

As I watched this story develop on Radio-Canada.ca, my heart sunk. It grew from one paragraph to a whole page...I love the spindly spreading tentacles of the internet.

Belinda Stronach has decided to return to running Papa Frank's business after a meteoric (-Did he say meteoric? -I think he did.) career with both of Canada's major federal parties. Well I suppose we can say she did genuinely get a taste of both sides of the political spectrum. She has also endured the strife of both dating and being called a dog by 'Potato' Pete Mackay, an experience so traumatizing she (allegedly) ran into the arms of Maple Leafs bruiser Tie 'Theodore' Domi.

Actually I can attest to the 'allegedly': my brother saw Belinda, Tie and Tie's wife at the Whole Foods and Hazelton Lanes hammering out the details of their custody arrangements. What you don't believe me? For serious! You did read it on the internet. Belinda-watchers will have plenty of material for months to come.

Unfortunately it seems Belinda, sometimes dubbed one of the 40 most powerful women in business, will mostly be remembered for bringing back the floor-crossing debate, scandal, et SCANDALE! I wonder if she'll show up on Papa Frank's The Next Great Prime Minister...only as a host.

xoxo
-Matt

For Laur-Laur

xoxo
-Matt

Robo-Manatee: Update!

'Doggie Bag' Takes on Whole New Meaning

And we thought San Francisco was bad.

Today, the CBC reported that a committee from Toronto City Council is currently debating the change of the classic slogan "Poop and Scoop" to the much less catchy "Poop, Scoop, and Carry."

What does this mean for city dog owners? Proponents of this new idea, like Councillor Paula Fletcher, would have pooch walkers not only pick up after their pets, but carry the steaming bag with them until they get home. Her recommendation is that owners throw the refuse into their green bins, designed to collect resident organics, like food, popcorn bags, and now, dog crap.

Fletcher's "best" idea so far? Letting squeamish walkers "plac[e the waste] somewhere to be picked up on the way home" - clearly putting a plastic bag of shit on a park bench or monument is less disgusting or, as Fletcher says, "aesthetically pleasing," than, as she puts, "when you walk in a park and there's a [waste] basket and there's dangling white bags of dog poo there."

The suggestion itself surfaced after the 2006 waste audit showed that 23-27% of all park trash was dog waste. However, illegally dumped materials made up 10-15% of the waste. Hello? Illegally dumped materials? Shouldn't we be telling people to take their illegally dumped materials home with them? Let's get serious here - are dog owners ever going to get a break?

It's days like these I'm ashamed to be called a Torontonian... Torontoite? What the hell are we?

Iran away! and environment news!

Iranian President Ahmadinejad reports progress and confidence in Iran's nuclear program. He is so confident Ahmadinejad reported the aforementioned progress and confidence in Iran's nuclear program in Natanz, the region where Iran's enrichment facilities are located, to an audience of 'green' Iranians.
Iran is currently engaged in a standoff with the UN Security Council, a characteristically bold move by Ahmadinejad (read: ploy to attract anti-West public support to his weak government). Iran has insisted, seriously guys, that the nuclear program is meant to establish an alternative to fossil fuel energy and that Iran has the right to blow itself and its neighbours up just like anybody else! After all, considering how much it relies on imported oil (from Iran), Iran should seriously be looking into alternative fuels.

In other energy news: the only good battery is a recycled battery! Selon, Environment Canada (that amazing armless government agency that constantly arm-wrestles with the brawny Dept. of Natural Resources) landfill-bound batteries are bad-eries. They leach lead and mercury and toxins, OHMY! More to come on, y'know, action as the interdepartmental tug-of-war continues.

Returning to a more glowing story of progress: THE MANATEE HAS BEEN SAVED. LE LAMANTIN EST SAUVEE! The great cow queen of the sea is being taken off the endangered species list! That's what its about, not enough butt-ugly animals are being saved. It's nice to see that while seals unfairly get all the attention, manatees could catch some of the after-glow. Now someone start saving the thousands of species of bugs from clear-cutting...no? Bugs don't sell? What if they can be trained to disarm Nuclear-Mahmoud?



xoxo
-Matt

Happy Easter

Now our lenten fast-off is officially and completely behind us, we can post in a show of solidarity.

*SHOW OF SOLIDARITY/RAISED FISTS*

MATLM (BAAN) would like to reaffirm our commitment to providing you with delicious, delicoius content (now including meat entrées). Well-rested and fortified with protein (and with new motivation in the form of pre-exam procrastination), we hope to bring you more of our best.

That is all.

In solidarity,
-Matt&Lauren