Episode 4!

Episode 4 is hot off the presses--err, GarageBand and Sarah's iMac.

Inside:
- The Writers' Strike disrupts our already haphazard production schedule!
- Matt makes a friend in PEI!
- Sarah makes killer segways and gets a tattoo and
- Lauren narrowly avoids one!

Also, the girls wish Matt a halfhearted Happy Birthday!

Love,
Your valiant producer

P.S. Kindly ignore the mysterious absence of episode 3.

Click here for Episode 2!

This week:

• Lauren bites into the tequila worm and struggles with the teleprompter!
• Sarah regales us with her time in Saskatchewan!
• Matt makes noises with his mouth!
• Hear passing traffic!

All three prove to be horribly obtuse to the world around them!

xoxo
-Sarah

Podcast, The Inaugural (Click Me to Download!)

This Week

Matt & Lauren's inaugural podcast!
Listen to us as we:
- Laugh at our own jokes!
- Learn/disgrace the French language!
- Premiere Internet Wars!
- Go from Sea to Sea to Sea!

Including 3 of our favourite songs! (Buy their CDs! Lauren says it's "legaller")

One penis joke per podcast guaranteed!

Chaos! from Sea to Sea to Sea

No, we have not abandoned you (singular), our focus has shifted to becoming a PODCAST. To round off the summer, I'm embarking on some thangs that reflect on the past two months (you know, the months with no posts).

This has been the summer of pestilence, to coin a phrase. Following mumps entering our hallow'd halls of academia at Dalhousie and Tuberculosis get close to our NWT tubers and a that guy who got on a plane, I was expected the other three horsemen at any moment. I still am, horseman aren't known for being on time. Until then pestilence continues to be taking its sweet, sweet infected time with us. Saskatchewan has seen 800 cases of West Nile Virus this summer. This summer is estimated to be the highest since 2003, when there were 947 infections. The closest 'Nile, Egypt' is 2639km away.

In the Northwest Territories 3 MLAs have had their seats acclaimed, Meg White, Jack White and Meg White, again. Let's just say that the tour in this summer was really popular. No one can compete with the Hardest [Campaign] Button to Button. Ah-oh. Acclamations are not all that uncommon North of 60, in 2003 19 seats were won by acclamation(apparently a good year for West Nile lovers and Democracy-haters).

Anyone go to V-Fest Toronto? Did you see Lauren? I didn't go or see Lauren!

UPDATE: In the past two days, power outages have affected both the Canadian heartland (we're Saskatchewanian Square at heart) and the Great Hereditary Ghiz Fiefdom of Prince Edward Island. Chaos, I tell you! Chaos!

One Step Forward, Two Steps...well, definitely not forward

No, we have not abandoned you (singular), our focus has shifted to becoming a PODCAST. To round off the summer, I'm embarking on some thangs that reflect on the past two months (you know, the months with no posts).

As always, it seems we start with religion.

Over the course of this summer, Pope Benedict XVI's popeship has come to the attention of many. As is the case with any 21st Century religious all-knower, he has a difficult job of bridging conviction on modernity. (Just look at the Dalai Lama and scientific communism, or the Ayatollahs and the bringing back of 'sexy' or Tom Cruise and prescriptive psychiatric meds). While Scientology fights back at modernity by nominally embracing 'science', Catholicism has no hopes of such a trendy name change. Cathology? Sciencolism? Nope.

So how did the Church choose to address modernity? In anticipation of the 100th year of the production of Ford's Model T, the Vatican said: 'Hey, these cars are really catchin' on - Benny! We should say something about these horseless chariots!' Benny, never one to turn down some good advice sanctioned the release of the Ten Commandments of the Road. Unfortunately for former-Moses Charleton Heston thou shalt carry a colt-45 was not one of them. Finally the epidemic of bad Catholic driving is over. We know, for certain, that unspeakable acts in the backseat are indeed unspeakable and not to use the auto-car as an expression of vanity. Says the owner of the Pope-mobile.

So, that covers one step forward. Deal with modernity by jumping right into. Next come the ten commandments of blogging (thou shalt not covet thy neighblogger's traffic or other widgets), YouTube (thou shalt not infringe on Viacom's copyright), etc. The next is a retreat back into the familiar: exempli gratia the Return of the Latin Mass. This doesn't seem like too big a deal. Where there is a big enough group of people who understand the Latin Mass, Benny says it may be celebrated. This will not be affecting me, personally. Apparently though, a line about the Jews got everyone all up in a tizzy. The line offers a prayer on behalf of Jews, to Jesus so that he may accept them into the Kingdom, despite them not accepting Him as the Personal Lord and Saviour. This may sound offensive, but it isn't if you consider...

Benny announced that the Catholic Church is the One True Church. That's right, not only is Jesus the Only Way to Salvation (if you're following He is both the beginning, the end and the way to get from beginning to end) -- the Catholic Church is the only way to get Jesus-props. OK.This actually pissed everyone of any Christian denomination off. Insofar as they cared what the Pope of Rome had to say about whether or not their Church was "wounded" or the decrease of attendance was due to George Stephanopolous' white-white smile on Sunday morning talk. Which was not very much. If they stopped listening in the 16th Century, some Car-mandments certainly won't get their attention in 21st.

So there you go, one step forward and two steps in the dark.

Hell hath no fury like a dolphin scorned

A new month, a new tainted food scare.

What chemical or organic poison is currently out to tempt the palate? Whale meat, saturated with "alarming" levels of mercury, intended for... wait for it... Japanese schoolchildren.

Now that the panic of "Oh my God, I ate whale meat just last week!" has subsided, as this has not affected the perfect bubble that is North America, read on (and keep eating that delicious blowhole sandwich).

The Globe reports through Reuters that an assemblyman in Taiji discovered the tainted meat, where "two samples of short-finned pilot whale had mercury levels 10 to 16 times more than advised by the Health Ministry" and further samples had "10-12 times more methyl mercury than advised levels."

Contrary to what some may think, the interesting bit in this story is not that the meat was intended to be served without inspection by local authorities. Nor is it that bioaccumulation (the process of accumulation leading to progressively higher concentrations of a contaminant up through the food chain, via predators ingesting prey that have previously accumulated contaminants in their body tissue - thanks, Google, for helping me remember Grade 9 Geography) is really starting to show in ecosystems. While these do have that certain journalistic je ne sais quoi, I think I've pinpointed the real scoop.

Short-finned pilot whales are part of the dolphin family. Dolphins are highly intelligent. Dolphins are also pissed off, as penguins, previously the stuffy, tuxedoed snobs of the sea, have waddled, tap danced, and now surfed into our hearts. What happens when a highly intelligent, pissed off creature - who has access to methyl Mercury - realizes its going to be eaten by a bunch of Japanese schoolchildren that turned down Flipper AGAIN for Farce of the Penguins?

Oh, readers, I think you know.

What can you do to make sure we can enjoy delicious dolphin cousins for years to come? Firstly, if you have friended the rockhopper penguin Lovelace on facebook like I told you to, go and unfriend him right now. We don't want to make the dolphins think that we're switching over to penguin eggs because we like them better. And for that matter, if someone offers you a penguin egg, state very loudly, in the direction of the Pacific Ocean, "Oh, Christ, don't make me sick" (and take the egg ever so sneakily for an omelette).

This is all an assumption, readers, but I'm pretty sure I've uncovered the real roots to this story.

...

My back-up hunch? Sailor Mercury is behind this. She's a sailor, she's Mercury, it all makes sense.

Toronto No Longer 'facebook' Capital of World

Where once Toronto was able to claim it was the facebook Capital of the World, it has been usurped. Fortunately, it has gone to our former colonial overlords in London. While Toronto's facebook dominance coloured the social utility with various urban concerns and 'facade saving' expeditions (from Sam The Record Man to CityTV trucks to the Sheppard Subway line to'Let's Resurrect Honest Ed'), now Londoner's concerns will come to the fore.

Finally we can all hear about how much everyone hates the 2012 Olympic logo and be emotional scarred by the image of Lisa Simpson performing oral 'favours' just in time for the big release Simpsons Movie. Maybe we'll hear about the next coffee shop-bound single mom who will take over the world with her series of novels sooner, or something about the Queen.

THE INTERNET WAR: 'Ask' Won't Tell

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this semi-irregular segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

It has been a while, fellow revolutionaries, since I have commented on the State of the Revolution. This is hardly due to a lack of material (the talking heads of the Reactionaries and the Doubters will gab and gab) but our faith in the Glorious Netscape Revolution of 1995 has held firm. The Vanguard of the Revolution has been under attack. Google, say the Reactionaries, is 'bottoms' when it comes to privacy. The company has come under fire for keeping searches tucked away in a supercomputer--a supercomputer that kind of looks like that room at the end of Raiders of the Last Ark. It seems Privacy International (or Privintern) fails to realize that the Internet is not about 'privacy'.

'Privacy' is a pitiful notion whose heyday was before the Glorious Revolution of 1995. The Internet is about communication, breaking down the walls that restrict information and letting these autonomous abstractions roam wherever they may. Except if that information is music and it roams into onto the hard-drive of a 14 year old girl. But if it roams into the hands of a potential employer, that's the Glorious Tubes @ Work. There is no reason to feel any shame about your Jell-O fighting past, in fact, you were good at it . If your employer can't appreciate that, well then, they can't appreciate you. It would've been a great Christmas Party. Everyone seems so worried about 'THE MAN' finding out their personal information. There is no MAN. It's just us, Revolutionaries, running the world from the blue light of a computer screen.

The only thing more frightening for the Privacy Junkies, more than keeping their Truth from their potential employers, is keeping it from Corporations Who Sell Things and Advertise.

No revolutionary abstraction has gotten as much heat for this as 'facebook' (NO! I WILL NOT CAPITALIZE, I WILL SPELL HOW THE CAPITALISTS TELL ME TO!) facebook is a social networking site where people post their information for all to see. But it is not simply a way for Torontonians to wear badges of civic-action through group-joining. What's the difference between you showing everyone in the world 'Where You've Been' and the guy who wrote that application selling that high-quality information that would otherwise cost hundreds of thousands of dollars for a market research firm to collect to Expedia, Travelocity, and Priceline?

It looks like the only people who should be pissed are market-research companies. The Internet is creating the climate for Perfect Information that makes Markets efficient. Finally everyone's most base and suppressed desire will be known to The Supplier who can create the perfect Jell-O fighting vacation to the Yucatan peninsula you never knew you wanted, until The Internet made it all possible through AGGREGATION.

KNOW THY SELF? Never better than The Internet knows you.

But! Ask.com, a paltry revolutionary compared to the Vanguard-Google, says no that outdated 20th Century notion that 'privacy' is worth something. 'We will protect your privacy.' says Ask.com. They have already posed as the Vanguard before, now they reveal their true REACTIONARY COLOURS by trying to revive archaic 'privacy'. AskEraser? What are they trying to 'erase'? The Revolution, that's what!

We will not let them! Crush the revisionists! Long Live The Revolution! One! Nine! Nine! Five!

What's a Bessarion? Closed, that's what.

Toronto City Hall is rife with politicking this week. First we were dealing with what amounts to the fall out of the City of Toronto Act that gave Toronto new 'revenue tools' (avenues for taxation to maintain...avenues). Now, we are dealing with the fallout of the success of a procedural waiting game initiated by councilors when they decided to 'Wait and see' what the provincial elections would bring. Great. So, what is the result of all this fallout? An overdone metaphor? Well for Sexy Transit Girls, it means the end of a crush on Adam Giambrone, who has declared he may/will be cutting service on the Sheppard Subway Line, a hike in fees (a whole moose/quarter!) and purging bus routes.

For those outside Toronto, let's take a look back on the Sheppard Line. And for those in Toronto, a look at the Sheppard Line for the first time.

What needs to be known: The Sheppard line was built in the 1990s under Mike Harris (Ontario preem) and Mel Lastman (furniture salesman er snow hater er Mayor). The 'subway to nowhere' was always considered underused/pointless. Of course I'm sure the people who lived in Don Mills didn't think so. I'm looking at you Cousin Sal. Admittedly, this whole thing stinks of politics, though Giambrone swears it is not. If he's being honest, he's off his 'brone.

A subway is largely considered, something you don't open if you don't need. However, closing it has awoken a slightly peeved T.O. zeitgeist, one that always sits next to the homeless guy, always is late for their train, always has something spilled on them, and always gets delayed by a health emergency and has to take the shuttle bus all the way to FREEKIN' DUNDAS STATION.

Also, as is very Torontonian at this point, there are many facebook groups to save the Sheppard line.

UPDATE: Two more.

Rabies is all 'la rage'

After my recent illness (I'm eating solids!), it's good to know there will be something new for hypochondriac Canucks to worry about: RABIES! or is it is known in French 'la rage'. It would seem there is an outbreak of rabies among the raccoon and forest critter population on the Québec-Vermont border. Thankfully something good has come out of this, I learned the word 'épizootie'. Epizooty, as is the English equivalent's appellation, is an outbreak of disease among a certain species of animals. Now back to causing a sensationalist worry to frighten all the hypochondriacs back under their beds! If the rabies epizooty were to make it to Montreal, the city's wooded Mont Royal park would become a hotbed of raccoon disease! Somebody tell Bert! THE RABID 'COONS ARE COMING!
ANYONE WEARING A COONSKIN IS A RABID-COONZOMBIE!

In other Québec enviro-news, there is a serious blue-green algae problem that's a-stirring. It has caused a ban on swimming in the Saguenay region. You do not want blue-green algae in your itsybitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini. Though I'm sure you look great in it.

Woe! Woe!

Dear readers,

I am sick. Real sick. Real, ick. This means lots of fluids and the like, though blogging has not yet figured into my recovery. Thankfully it is not Haligonian mumps, flight-induced tuberculosis, or SARS. Just good gastroenteritis. If you've gotten the shits in the last couple of days, live in Toronto, and want to be able to claim you were at the epicentre of the Shits Epidemic '07 drop a line in the comments box. Until then, lots of sleep for me.

That is all.
xoxo
-Matt

An (Un)Black Day.

Oh readers, I want not for news of dear Conrad's fate.

The Globe reported yesterday news that I was extremely shocked to hear. Lord Black is going down as the scapegoat for all of the white-collar criminals that got away, because they weren't members of the British Senate or arts and crafts mavens (if MALITM BAAN was around when Martha Stewart was convicted, I'd be a-stirring then too. She is a handsome woman.).

Black faces up to thirty-five years in prison. If he does serve this maximum, 62-year old Black will be ninety-seven when he comes out. And poor. This conviction is putting a serious strain on our relationship. Can't the jury see that?

And what did they convict him on? Obstruction of justice and three measly counts of mail fraud. It's completely ludicrous.

Black's lawyers have already started piecing together the materials for an appeal. Their star witness?

Me. I'm still here for you, Conrad, and I always will be.

*sniff*

Ed Mirvish dies at 92

Honest Eds
Originally uploaded by Bostich

'Honest Ed' Mirvish died this morning, and the obituaries have been popping up all over the media. Ed Mirvish is known for a lot of great things -- being a hard-nosed business man, safe guarding live theatre in Toronto, charity work, turkey, and my kind of cornball humour-- but most importantly he saw himself as a citizen of Toronto.

A lot of people say that doesn't happen to often. As they keep those too-many lights burning tonight (Ed wouldn't let them dim for a second, even in his memory), remember a bargain, remember a show, and remember a chuckle.

The Galaxy Needs You!

No, this is not another post about how you'll be able to lick Darth Vader's behind thanks to the US Postal Service. No, fair reader (-- or soulless abyss that is the Internet, drain on my soul and free time), the Galaxy really does need you, for SCIENCE!

As it turns out the work of painstakingly classifying the galaxies of the infinite blackness of Space is just too tedious for the big brains of the professional scientific community. They'd much rather be weighing black holes. So these Poindexters and Poindextresses have enlisted the greatest tool mankind has ever known for the purpose of classifying mountains and mountains of otherwise undecipherable, unsurmountable and nearly infinite data: Web 2.0.

New Mexican (?) astronomers (who of course have their degree in astrophysics, not the by-mail Miss Cleo service) have put together Galaxy Zoo and are enlisting volunteers to sift through the wormholes, star systems and nebulas and tell them what's what. The monstrous 'tag cloud' that ensues will hopefully give them more information on how the universe is shaped, in turn how the universe was formed, and what Exit to get off to find God's House.

Or, volunteers will be massively distracted once they discover a constellation that kinda looks like David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger off the floor...

UPDATE: There's a facebook group.

Kyoto vs. Cheddar - Political Pet Showdown

Inspired in part by CalgaryGrit's open call for summer competition suggestions and a well-placed e-mail, I have decided to tackle the question on all Canadians' minds as they fire up the grill: Who would win? Stéphane Dion's dog Kyoto or Stephen Harper's cat, Cheddar?

First let's meet the competitors:


Kyoto: After the Liberals were sacked in 2006, Dion adopted the white husky and named it after the Kyoto Protocol. Kyoto is an instinctual killer who's bound only to his master by the subversion of his pack-instincts through domestication. The dog received much buzz once Dion won the Liberal leadership, with some arguing that the dog had acquired a greater profile than his master. Kyoto also maintains his own blog with a tendency to echo Conservative talking points in both English and French, including bashing France (in both English and French). I find this curious.


Cheddar: It is unclear whether Cheddar is named after a town, a cheese, or an international treaty. What is known about Cheddar's checkered (marbled?, ed.) past, is that this cat walked the hard streets of Ottawa from its first day breaking out of Momma Cheddar's litter. Those dark, cold nights taught Cheddar the hard ways of canal-hopping, picking at discarded Beaver Tails, hustling tourists and paying up to always-collectin' civil servants. Cheddar was adopted into the Harper household once former cat, Cabot, died of excitement of moving from Stornaway to 24 Sussex. He is Laureen Harper's lovemuffin.

THE FIGHT
Cheddar comes out of the gate swinging...er, scratching. Kyoto is marching purposefully -- in circles? Cheddar lands a first scratch: 'Your master is not a leader!'. The judges award points. Kyoto lifts its head: 'Your master is a liar!', but Cheddar is too low to the ground and scampers under Kyoto's belly. Cheddar then avoids Kyoto until the judges insist he do something, dodging left and right expertly.
'Your master is out of touch with Canadians.'
'No, your master is out of touch with Canadians!'
'You're a prop meant to humanize your master for the voting public!'
'No, you're a prop meant to humanize your master for the voting public!'

Hours later...

'You were adopted to overcome your master's tragic loss'
'No, you were adopted to overcome your master's tragic loss'
With this, Cheddar scampers under Kyoto. And then, just before he's about to give Kyoto a lesson from the Bob Barker school in pet-care -- ROBOMANATEENo matter what, Robo-Manatee wins. Kyoto and Cheddar are off to meet Pat the Posthumous Policy Pooch, Mackenzie King's ol'friend.

For more on political pets go here.

Keep Your Fingers Crossed! Black Verdict Pending...

This afternoon, readers, my faith in God was reaffirmed. Black is not guilty. No, Lord Conrad Black is in fact, still innocent. Because he has not been proven guilty. Because the jury has yet to make up their minds.

The Globe reported early this evening that the jury told Right Honourable Amy St. Eve that it could not reach a unanimous verdict on one or more of the charges laid against Lord Black and the other defendants, of whom I (and the rest of the media) do not care about.

(Fine. John Boultbee, Peter Atkinson and Mark Kipnis. Happy?)

The jury, after delivering its note, asked the Judge to "please advise" them on how to let Conrad off the hook without having lead Prosecutor Eric Sussman burst into hot, justice-serving tears.

Both Sussman and the defense jumped into action after the note was read: Sussman begged (on his knees, like a twat) for the jury to deliver a partial verdict, while defense attorney Ronald Safer valiantly asked that it be recognized that the jury has been working very hard and simply cannot reach a verdict.

As I've said before, that jury is chock-full of middle-aged women. They can't spend hours in a deliberation room drooling over pictures of Conrad Black and find the time to write an apology to Sussman for ending his career. I know I certainly can't.

***

Readers, this is breaking news. I am interrupting my string of nonsense to tell you that my dear co-host has mentioned that the jury might be hung. (Laughs.)

***

Readers, I have just been told what a "hung jury" means. No, this is not innuendo. This smells like victory. They actually interrupted Canadian Idol to serve this up. Jury deliberations are supposed to continue Wednesday, but I'll see if there's anything coming through the billions of interconnected tubes that make up the internet and tell you tomorrow. Sleep light, darlings. Tomorrow night might be cause for celebration.

Unless, of course, you're a Hollinger stockholder.

It's 'Onley' On Top

STEPHEN HARPER has appointed Ontario's new Lieutenant-Governor David Onley. To be clear, the Prime Minister appoints all Lieutenant-Governors and will appoint the next Governor-General, not Dalton McGuinty or Queen Elizabeth II. The former CityTV anchor is being heralded for 'integrity' and 'honesty'. I thought what was most important was having a nice smile. Harper has also recently appointed the new Québec Lieutenant-Governor.

Of course, this announcement has received no fanfare, and brings about the all-important questions: 'who was the last Lieutenant-Governor of Ontario?' and 'what's a Lieutenant-Governor?' or, my personally favourite, 'why is it Leff-tenant?'

1. The Hon James K Bartleman
2. Representative of the Monarchy (Queen of Canada Elizabeth II) who gives royal assent to provincial laws, occasional adviser to the premier, promoter of charitable causes.
3. Because it's Canada, rather than taking the French pronunciation, English Canada insists on the British pronunciation. Yes, that does mean the Americans pronounce it the French way because of French involvement in the American War of Independence. No, they did not realize it during the Freedom Fries debacle - if they had it would be rightenant.

Note: One GAM commenter noted that Onley has combatted a physical disability this, like being from Haiti for G-G Micheale Jean, makes him a minority. Said commenter also laments that these 'minorities' keep getting appointed instead of the 'common people'. The commenter noted Onley's physical disability from when he had polio as a child as something that singled him out from us 'common people', not his religious beliefs (Born Again) or that he is a white male. I hope he doesn't find out about this:

In awkward headlines, the GAM gives us this gem: ONTARIO TO SEND HUNDREDS OF AUTISTIC CHILDREN TO CAMP - it's not as bad as it sounds. Though I've also seen it with 'Dalton' replacing 'Ontario'.

S2S2S(N): Obsolecence Edition

[Sea to Sea to Sea (Nearly) is our look at the country most commonly known as "Canada" without so much as making a passing-glance at the affairs of the federal government, federal-province relations or any the like. It aims to go, from sea to sea to sea...or as close as possible on any a regular basis.]

The Essence of Obsolescence is being replaced by a machine. An unthinking, always on, clap on/off machine, just ask a retired bowling-ball returner. Anyway, what use is it for me to scrounge the dingy corners of the internet (and what dingier corners are there than those occupied by the Vast Canadian Media Conspiracy?) when you can see all of the country all of the time.

In an effort to assuage those who think the CBC is a propaganda tool, CBCNEWS.ca has positioned itself as the unblinking eye on Canada. Big Mother Corp if you will. Tune in here for a LIVE webcam of your street. Maybe if you use some triangulation you can up your blog profile by posting some kind of signage in the webcam's sights. Crap, I've revealed my master plan.

Which Canadian city will become the new Lonelygirl15? Saskatoon, I'm watchin' you.

Finally, a Vancouver Barbecue NOT Cancelled Due to Rain

The Globe and Mail reported this morning that what would be the 25th annual British Columbia Conservatives Barbecue (or the BCCB) was cancelled due to the unavailability of our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper.

Though the PM is really too busy to make the event, other obstacles rose to challenge the annual event. Due to the Federal Accountability Act, corporate sponsors can no longer foot the bill of the popular barbecue, raising the need for more private donor dollars. And, of course, there is always the threat of heavy rainfall with a slight chance of tree-hugging British Columbians.

Senator Gerry St. Germain, the organizer of the event, seemed disheartened by the news. Citing that the barbecue has "historically... gone, pretty well, every year," the Senator even stated that he would front some of his own money for the event, a move that he has done in the past. And they say the Conservative Party isn't generous!

St. Germain isn't the only disappointed Tory in the west of the west. Dona Cadman, the widow of Surrey North MP Chuck Cadman, "will miss the barbecue," the Globe reports, stating that "You got to see the Prime Minister in a different light."

I suppose grilled as opposed to roasted puppy does lighten the mood.

Skinny Girl Watch

It looks like Al Gore the Threequel is not the only American sub-celebrity in trouble with law. Nicole Ritchie is on her way to jail, and preggers! With Hillary Duff's ex-boyfriend Joel Madden's baby. Joel Madden tapped that? After Hillary Duff? Well, they're going to be married which, in Hollywood, makes everything better.

More Canadian-ly, Chantal Kreviazuk has smacked-down Avril Lavigne's sing-uh performing-songwriter status in a recent issue of Perfoming Songwriter Magazine. (woo! was the subscription clutch!) Chantal will not sully art by taking Avril to court, instead she will let this hang over Avril's career for the five seconds everyone will remember it as an unsubstantiated claim. Somewhere in Napanee, ON, a young Avril fan is passionately defending Avril:
-Oh yea, well Avril doesn't even write her songs, some singer lady that was on Canadian Idol last year said so!
-Oh yea, well...She's just a Sk8er! She needs help spelling! I'll be your girlfriend!
-OK, she's awesome.
Chantal Kreviazuk does have more cred than Sass Jordan. She is married to Rain, the dude from Our Lady Peace. And OLP was totally awesome the summer of Grade 7. Oh, and Avril's hurt. We'll see her in an L.A. court next week on a DUI, then we'll care...

Happy Independence Day, amigos Americanos!

It's Independence Day for our friends in the United States. Not likely you needed me to tell you that if you're reading this. The Fourth of July is probably the single most reknowned national holiday in the world. That and Bastille Day. Although you're only allowed to celebrate one according to Bill O'Reilly.

For those who've been unconscious for the last few hours, here's what's up this Fourth of July:

-Illegal Immigrants and Legal Immigrants: As they arrive in torrents no one knows what to do about either of them. Reform the laws, 'amnesty' is an evil word, they steal jobs, we love to hire them, etc.
-Bush-Putin talk. Snazzy pictures are taken at Kennebunkport at what the EEEKonomist is calling the 'Lobster Summit', Bush and Putin were looking for some kind of agreement for nuclear armament related issues. I insist on the Robo-Manatee. Putin insists he'll shove it down your throat if you so much as look at the Czec Republic the wrong way..uh, and there will cooperation to take advantage of the pluses of nuclear energy.
-Soon, Americans will be buying and driving Chinese cars.
-Micheal Moore has a new movie.
-There were fireworks, cakes, flags and speeches. That's for those who've been about for longer.

More seriously, the United States remains the City on the Hill the world around. That's part of what makes it so gosh-darn fun to look on the shady side of the Hill. As much as we've obsessed in Canada since forever about our own identity, the prospects of absorption or separation, Americans have their own obsessions.

If you've read an editorial page in the last 15 years, you've been seeing a search for a new place in the world after the defeat of the Soviet Union. An obsession with being either too much like Weimar Germany (that's the Germany Hitler rose to power in legally) or the falling Roman Empire. Or being like the Galactic Republic. That one shows up less. Beyond naval-gazing there's the constant over the shoulder glances at China.

Oh, and the ol'Red, White and Booze.

Anyway, keep it up U-S-of-A, just don't point it at me.

xoxo
Canadian (singular)

An Inconvenient Bust

So what I've been saying is true, readers: Environmentalism is the first step on a long, hard road of drug abuse.

The Globe reported this morning that Al Gore, Mother Earth's Golden-boy, let his not-so-golden boy out on a pot-smoking, pill-popping, Prius-speeding rampage just south of Los Angeles. His son, Al Gore III, was charged Wednesday for drug possession after being stopped in said Prius.

A search of the hybrid found "a small amount of marijuana, along with prescription drugs including Valium, Xanax, Vicodin and Adderall." Al, if you wanted to show the public that you can still have fun in a Prius, I'm sure there's a better way to do it than this.

What I really love about this story is the Globe's constant reference to the fact that Al III was driving a Prius as opposed to a normal car:

"...he was stopped for allegedly speeding in his hybrid Toyota Prius..."
"Al Gore III... was driving his environmentally friendly car at about 160 kilometres per hour..."
Even the story's headline - "Al Gore's son arrested for drugs, speeding in hybrid" - is good for a laugh.

Al Gore III was booked (sucka!) into Santa Ana's Inmate Reception Center on $20,000 bail. He even (gasp!) had to share a holding cell with an unknown number of inmates. Though the counting ability of Reuters network staff cannot be certain, one thing was made very clear: "There are no special privileges," said Orange County Sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.

Tell that to Paris, Jim.

CityTV (not there) EVERYWHERE

After Lauren and I unsuccessfully tried to butt Ted Rogers in his bid to buy the CityTV stations from CTVglobemedia, humiliation is followed by frustration. As awesome as it would've been for us to take over Breakfast Television Toronto (and then, THE WORLD), it looks like it was not in the cards (or stars, or deified belly-button lint) for us. Now, CTV has unequivocally stated that the CityTV really-cool-newsvan-stickin'-outtawall is going to be removed.

Spurred on by the success of the Save the 'Sam the Record Man' sign campaign, facebookin' Torontonians have decided to come to the rescue. Yes, facebook has become the rapid-response Toronto Heritage Fund. As The Toronto Star noted: Toronto is the facebook capital of the world. It seems that Torontonians are all-too eager to use their ability to massively click buttons in unison to promote keeping old signs up as ownership changes hands. I love public space and all, heck, I love civic activism, but what if CTVglobemedia is going to use the space for something else really cool? Hahaha, I kill me... It'll probably be another billboard à la Yonge and Bloor. Or a huge poster of Tanya Kim and Ben Mulroney. Ugh.

The question remains: when push comes to shove, who will have the Skydomes (Roger Centres?) to start 'Save the Zanzibar store front!!!1'?

Report on Bidness: Slim gets Gates, Pensioners get Bell, You get Taxed

Queue the Minutemen. While Canadians are taking top speech-writing and campaign positions for the Republicans from Washington to Shwarzenegger's Gahlifornia, as jobs are outsourced to Thomas Friedman's Bangalore, it looks like Mexicans aren't only taking the jobs nobody wants anymore. It looks like it's 'Slim'-pickings for Microsoft founder Bill Gates who has been dethroned as World Richest Rich Person. That's what you get for giving it all away!

The new Richest Rich Person (no, I haven't yet found his e-mail address for solicitations) is Carlos Slim, Mexican financial dynamo and owner of America Movil. Slim's rise has been meteoric, because that's a word they use a lot to describe really fast rises: He has gone from Latin America's Richest to overtaking Warren Buffet (formerly Mr Gates' #2 - uh, I mean the second richest...) in April and now Gates. Besides having the name of a cowpoke, Slim's wealth is equal to 8% of Mexico's GDP. No word on whether he likes Eminem.

Before we all get high and mighty that US jobs are going to us foreigners (MUHAHAHAHA), Canadians are not above trying to protecting our jobs. In the recent 'hollowing out of Canada' debacle that has just concluded. An all-Canadian (wave the flag, queue the Maple Leaf Forever or something, Darren) merger between Telus and BCE, lovingly named 'Belus' like a celebrity couple, was averted. Instead the company is now majority owned by Canadians (as was always its CRTC-ordained fate) and a group of American private-equitizers. So, Mr Gates notwithstanding, Americans can be proud they've managed to break a record this week (this is the largest private equity buy out EVER, ever, ever), and we will smugly take pride that it couldn't happened without us. Courtesy the EEEKonomist.

Tony's gonna be pissed...if he's still alive. A story about New Jersey and turnpikes! I've already made a stereotypical Soprano's reference! Before I run out my welcome with the locals, I'll try get through this. The E-Z Pass(American 'Zee') is a new computer-aided innovation that makes getting ou-er, around a lot easier on the highway. For those who live in the modestly named GREATer Toronto Area, you may be familiar with the Express Toll Route transponder, it's much the same. You drive zip-bloop-bleep you're charged the toll. Will the ETR-economy is not a good buzzword. For those who are angry about David Miller's newly sanctioned land tax (GTAers?), the NYT presents a story about all the taxes you DON'T know about in the EZ Pass Economy.

Alright, let's never do this again...until next time.

THE INTERNET WAR: Wikipedia? FUTUREpedia!

[We've all heard about the threats the vast series of tubes called The Internet faces on a daily basis. For the most part we don't understand them. After all, isn't 'Neutrality' reserved for those Swiss pansies? In the tradition of Marshall McLuhan and the "X-Files", this segment probes threats to the internet. More importantly we will underline how unstoppable The Internet is in...THE INTERNET WAR!]

Ah, readers, I have stumbled out of bed - still smarting from my post-Canada Day hangover - to steal Matt's segment for a sec while I serve up a juicy piece of news (which, to be fair, is two days old).

The events surrounding the deaths of wrestler Chris Benoit and his wife and son were strange enough, but then (insert suspenseful music) the internet got involved.

In particular, the ever-popular, controversial encyclopedia website Wikipedia, where news of his wife Nancy's death surfaced fourteen hours before the bodies were discovered by authorities. The article had been remedied to say that, according to the Globe, "the Canadian wrestler missed a match Saturday night due to 'the death of his wife Nancy.'"

This has sparked yet another brouhaha over Wikipedia, the credibility of its articles and contributors, and its unstoppable power to provide you with filler information on History essays that you have to have done by the next day... ahem.

While they have their little spat, I would like to turn the attention of you intelligent readerfolk to what I can't believe Globe writer Cassandra Szklarski failed to mention (perhaps she was trying to spell her own surname?) - Wikipedia can effectively predict the future.

Alright, so it may be the very near, or shall we say, immediate future, but its the future nonetheless. To all you Wikipedia naysayers, I say...



Lucky for you, this entry isn't real.

...yet.

Ô Canada

Ô Canada...
Originally uploaded by Eric Hudon

Happy Canada Day! Joyeux Fête du Canada!

A Week of Drudgery (Personally)

This week, much has happened. I mean CNN seriously devoted a whole two hours to Paris Hilton and Anderson Cooper saying, in shock, "I don't get it". In any case, this week I was unable to provide you your fill of what is happening coast to coast to coast in S2S2S(n) or the wacky commentary of Internet Wars. If nothing else, we provide you with cumbersome titles around here.

Unfortunately, I can't blame a vast, worldwide conspiracy (normally called slow news-week) for my lack of posting. Who hasn't had something to say about all that has been going on? Oh, yea, me.

ALSO, I'd like to gloat: POLAND beat Brazil today. In U20 Soccer. That bodes well for the Polish Wolrd Cup soccer in...under twenty years? Needless to say, tomorrow, my POLSKA t-shirt and ITALIA jersey are sidelined. I'll only be waving one flag.

"Cross Your Fingers" Now Slang for "Empty the Accounts and Head for the Border"

This is it, readers. Lord Conrad Black's fate rests in the combined 24 hands of twelve, mostly female jurors.

After a slanderous lifetime of Prosecutor Eric Sussman's final statements to the jury, the Globe reported that, besides being sexy, "Lord Black... sat stone-faced... as Mr. Sussman spoke . He seemed weary, looking up at the ceiling and sighing as he and his co-defendants were once again called liars by the prosecution."

I have nothing to worry about, and I'll tell you why.

a) Sussman ended his closing remarks by showing the Jury a 2002 email written by Black, which read, "Two years from now no one will remember any of this." And Lord Black was totally right. This investigation bullshit didn't really heat up until 2005. So there, Sussman. Your email is a moot point.

and

b) The jury is MOSTLY FEMALE. Other than the offchance of all of those women being lesbians, there is no way that they will be able to resist the cool, collected charms/wiles/money of Lord Conrad Black. He's the George Clooney of the corporate world, minus the compromising 1980's mullet photos. And because the decision has to be unanimous, it looks like Conrad's going to walk.

...

Conrad, if they convict you you can stay in my basement.

Sea to Sea to Sea (Nearly): MP 'Sexiest', Sask MLA 'Most retired'

[Sea to Sea to Sea (Nearly) is our look at the country most commonly known as "Canada" without so much as making a passing-glance at the affairs of the federal government, federal-province relations or any the like. It aims to go, from sea to sea to sea...or as close as possible on any a regular basis.]

First off, awesome Ruby Dhalla news that wouldn't normally make STSTS(N). Who says democracy doesn't work, let alone work sexily? Ruby Dhalla tops the Sexiest Fem-P list according to the Hill Times. Woo. Dr Dhalla, let me just say, I've been pulling for you all along.

Moving on to the general theme, The Economist goes North. The Economist is taking a look at Canada's North to see, what's really going on up there? And in desperate search for an upside to global warming. Our intrepid correspondent remarks how hard it is to pronounce Iqaluit (EEK-ah-lu-IT) and how it led him to learning an Inuktituk swear. Also, there is this adorable polar bear photo:
Give it a look see. It's pretty neat to get some outsider perspective on the whole thing, without the obligator Northern Heritage bit that has so struck Mansbridge's heart. His wonderful, gravitas-pumping heart.

PEIFA (the P.E.I. Fishermen's Association) clearly a 'worker's' organization maintaining strict quotas and distorting the market value of crab, has given up this year. Actually, it doesn't have the funds to pay fishermen not to fish, by buying their licenses. Knowing that can't rely on brazen hooligan Premier Robert Ghiz, they're turning to the Feds to help them retire 20% of the existing licenses out East. Maybe I underestimated Ghiz, he shows up and these pesky quota-pushers are out. Bottom trawlers roll out!

Nova Scotia Lieutenant Governor Mayann Francis has been inspired by the Bay ads and has revived her garden party. I, for one, had little clue that garden parties had any traditional weight in Canada. I thought they were y'know, backyard BBQs, patio parties, and.. KEEGGGGERS. Now I know, you need a representative of the Queen and that catchy song by the soothing songstress in the HBC ad.

This week, Toronto Mayor David Miller caused quite the kerfuffle over some decals on city emergency vehicles. This was quite possibly the biggest non-fight of the year. After campaigning for a day, Miller hears about yesterday's triple casualties and retracts his bid to end the Year-long Yellow Ribbon Campaign. The whole affair was rather silly, most Torontonians were either mildly offended by the whole question, or benevolently indifferent that Miller kept the decals up. Deep thought: if the sticker sticks let it sticks, and Mr Mayor, hope this issue doesn't stick to your Wikipedia entry (legacy - see Colby Cosh, I can be current too).

'Toon-Town (Saskatoon) is now lighter one political heavyweight. Saskatchewan Party MLA Merriman has called for a cessation of all merriment (too easy) as he declares he will not run in the next provincial general election. Lorne Calvert is respectfully bemused. I think, I mean that is the impression he gives me. This is something that would bemuse him but he would be respectful. Well, if you're in the rest of Canada you don't really see him that often and I mean...

British Columbia has decide it was starting to resemble that other Columbia a little too closely and decided to crack-down on Lottery retailers. If you own a convenience store and want to sell scratch-and-wins, bingos and the like, you must now...take a course and be certified. This is a result of a 'scathing report' by the provincial ombudsman. Part of certification is a criminal background check, there goes Pickton's dream of opening a lotto kiosk. Let's hope he doesn't do anything rash.

That's all for this edition. Get lost...

Colby Cosh loves world peace?

I have been on a downward spiral this week. The National Post commissioned a five-part series about THE NEXT WAR. In what was basically starting to look like historian war-mongering self-touching "fanfic", journalist after journalist would take at the world as of 2007 and extrapolate trying to guess what the next major conflict would be.

This is, admittedly, not an entirely alien idea. Instances like the EU-USA war or the idea of an all out war against Islam just don't sit well. Maybe I'm one of those dagnabbed pinko coward bastards they bitch about in these articles. Just when the exercise seems genuinely limited to xenophobia and fear-mongering, Colby Cosh enters. Now Mr Cosh is not exactly reputable for being dove-ish or even generally likeable by anyone left of Ralph Klein. Heck, not even anyone standing to the left of Nancy Reagan particularly likes him.

He not only shouts out to Wikipedia, to show how cool he is, but predicts...no war. NO WAR! The only columnist who doesn't predict a millenial smackdown. He somehow seeming measured in his analysis! Colby Cosh is like John Lennon or maybe even Gandhi. COSH FOR PEACE!

Someone set him up with Yoko...

Harper Trusted as Much as the Canadian Tire Guy

An Ipsos-Reid Poll found that Stephen Harper is trusted as much (less but within the margin of error) as the run-of-the-mill hardware store employee for advice on how to pursue eco-friendly renovations in the home. It might be because his idea of getting consensus on environmental legislation is dispatching John "ARGH" Baird to alienate stakeholders (well, as is often noted, not...all stakeholders). This is after all of his attempts to appeal to the Tim Horton's set...which does overlap with the reno set. Don't pretend. The poll also examines what Canadians are doing with global warming in mind (with little help from government tax-credits, etc.).

Hillary and You (and I)

So Hillary Clinton's campaign song has been chosen. Her formidable campaign machine was shushed in favour of the dear public casting their vote for their favourite tune. She has chosen You and I by (in)famous songstress Celine Dion...who has mostly been disowned in her native Quebec/Canada, partially because of chest-thumping and her creepy husband. Admittedly you can see why Hillary Clinton wants to be associated with this song.

Or is it that this song was originally used in an Air Canada ad? So Hillary has chosen to associate herself with a bloated domestic Canadian carrier, that has very little love at home. It is derided both as a former Crown Corporation ("Damn pinko bastards!" I hear) and for the general surly-ness of current staff. That's what critics say though, I mean, supporters look to...well they have some carriers associated with nifty music Jazz and Tango.

So there you go, Hillary is saying I'm part of the left-wing vestiges, can be cranky but I dig funky music. Hillary '08.

Don't get on that plane!

After watching a few too many Lou Dobbs specials on how porous the USA-Canada border is the New Canadian government has decided to take action. Not only have we had legislation put forward to arm border-guards and make it easier to get a passport (isn't that counter-intuitive?), no we have a no-fly list. I personally love lists. I know of many people who love lists. David Letterman, McSweeney's readers (Lauren), Warren Kinsella, heck I'm pretty psyched about a good list every once in a while. Especially funny lists. It looks like the new no-fly list is going to be no expception. It's going to be har-har-hilarious, especially if you (like Conservative MPs Michelle Cook or John Williams - hey didn't that guy write the Star Wars theme?) are unfairly kept from flying. "What!? I won't be able to make it to Christmas with the in-laws in 'Toon-town(Saskatoon)?"

Jack Layton, NDP leader and crystal ball owner, predicts: “They're essentially forcing a citizen to correct the record if they've been mistakenly placed there and that can come after some considerable inconvenience and embarrassment and maybe worse.” After having been labelled Taliban Jack by Tory pundits, he would never wish that on Michelle Cook-ing Up Some TNT or Al-Qaeda John Williams.

Other critics are harsher. They call the no-fly list a charade, unlikely to be effective and likely inconvenient to many. One critic, Barry Prentice, the director of the Transport Institute at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, has a novel idea. Make the list the size of a hockey team...and call them "The Winnipeg Jets". They can play for the right to get on a plane. If they win the Cup, they can take-off. Hey, something'll work eventually...

***Correction: Michelle Cook and John Williams were not kept from flying, the no-fly list had not yet taken effect and they were warned they would have to clear their names. At least, that's what Mike Duffy told me.

It Appears that the Tables have Turned...

Alas, all of my campaigning for dog plastic-bag rights was for naught. My furry ex-friends have turned on me, and taken the one thing I've been training to do for years, something that would propel me into the good kind of infamy...

... famy.

Indeed, dogs have learned to smell cancer. The Vancouver Sun reported yesterday that Freeman, a rare leopard dog, sniffed at his owner's right breast until it, in the words of owner Darcy Ingram, "swelled up like a cantaloupe."

Freeman is proving what captial "S" Scientists published in the March 2006 issue of Integrative Cancer Therapies: That dogs can smell cancer on the breath of breast cancer and lung cancer patients.

While I have to applaud the canine ability to sniff out breast cancer, I can smell lung cancer from a mile away. It's called a Marlboro, pooch, get with it.

Even still, it looks like the dogs are one-upping me on this one. They can smell bladder cancer in urine, and skin cancer in "skin lesions" (I put this in quotes because I have no fucking idea what skin lesions are, and I doubt very much that the dogs do, either).

What really worries me is the disturbing series of events before and after Ingram's successful treatment. She reported, that, prior to her knowing about the some 12 centimetres of tumours brewing in her breast, Freeman "wouldn't leave that breast alone."

And, more recently, she had said, "Freeman can do whatever he wants." Um, I think it's obvious what Freeman wants to do.

Be a total dog-perv, that's what.

Doctor in the House? Doctor Dhalla in dahouse!

Who knew life on the Hill was so much part-Medical drama? I'd always thought of it as more of part-bitch fest, part-24 hour news cash-cow, and part-TV singing competition. I digress.

Let's set the very dramatic stage: Two rival camps meet across the hall every Wednesday. Sworn enemies, never united. Not by blood, never by love (if never-er by respect). The Liberalos and the Conservapulettes. Suddenly, Convervapulette MP Nina Grewal faints (!) to cries of "Is there a doctor in the house!?" The shocking revelation, not a single member of the Conservapulette caucus is an ex-Medicolo. Conservapulettes desperate to save their comrade (though they would never say comrade, that's one of those dirty NDP words) cross the Centre Block to the Liberalo caucus (which is the only one with ex-Meds...the Toronto Star emphasizes). Who rises to the challenge?! Bernard Patry (Pierrefonds-Dollard) and Ruby Dhalla (Brampton-Springdale-My-Dreams). Of course, Dr Dhalla tagged along in case the fainting was brought on by a killer backspasm. Needless to say, c'est tout reglé. It was a minor incident. But oh so rrrrrriveting.

Finally, Big Brother is watching me...

It's the future, boys and girls, and I was promised a lot of things. OK, my parents were promised a lot of things for their children, namely me, and I'm here to collect. Flying cars, jet packs, movators, dysotpian dictatorships, continental global conflict, mass production of genetically ideal human beings. I'm still quite dissappointed that I can't own my very own Orbity. Things are moving slow, but they are moving there.

Despite the reports that Canada isn't innovative enough: A start-up company in Kingston, Ontario has developed a billboard that watches you. Yes, Yakov Smirnov fans, it's true. Eric Blair, George Orwell to the uninitiated, is jumping for joy up yellin' "TOLD YOU SO, Aldous Huxley!" at the big dysptoian novelist "bar+café" in the sky. He probably even dropped his panini.

Advertisers will be watching us the way we were promised big government would. Oh, that market and it's trusty invisible hand (and now invisible eye). I demand to be watched constantly, and you supply. Waitasec...

Sea to Sea to Sea (Nearly): Hot Albertan Nights and more!

[Sea to Sea to Sea (Nearly) is our look at the country most commonly known as "Canada" without so much as making a passing-glance at the affairs of the federal government, federal-province relations or any of the like. It aims to go from sea to sea to sea... or as close as possible on any regular basis.]

With all this talk lately of cumbersome fed-prov relationships, court cases and equalization, everyone seems to have forgotten about the day-to-day in these provinces. Before we get out East, we must start in Alberta.

Alberta has been a hot-bed of news activity in recent weeks. Sure, that doesn't mean we'd pay them too much attention. Of course, there was the Creation Science Museum (oxymoron?) but things changing (evolving?) are always more exciting to follow. Of course, things a-going on in Alberta include the Banff Television Festival. It's a pretty neat event, for real information on that and really neat analysis check out Denis McGrath's blog (I've been reading it forever and have finally seen it validated on CBCNewsworld). In other Albertan entertainment news, Calgary clubs (then bowling alleys) are sure to have been bursting with patrons following Prince Harry's recent much-published brush with a local barmaid and hottie. I'd say half were royal watchers. As for the other half... they were interested in the other half of that couple.

Also Alberta politics! An opening, brief glimmer of political non-uniformity in Wild Rose Country. Ralph Klein's former riding Calgary Elbow fell to the Alberta Liberals. Now Alberta follows PEI on the path to radical political change. Or not. Federal voting intentions are unlikely to change, as CalgaryGrit notes. Heck, who can really tell about provincial fortunes. It is clear we are entering a post-Ralph Klein era. He, apparently, was like Tito. Alberta is about to be swallowed by simmering tension. Again, or not. Now-Premier Ed Stelmach is calling to the Edmonton capital region to harmonize municipal taxes. The Alberta rumour-mill is rife (I blame the post-Prince Harry paparazzos)! Could there be plans for an Edmonton megacity?

In news relating to the Queen of Canada's vice-regal representatives, Lise Thibault, former Quebec Lieutenant-Governor, is under fire from the auditor-general over misrepresented personal spending. Oh, when will those vice-regents get it right. You're not supposed to spend taxpayer money on birthday parties (unless you're Conrad Black, substituting taxpayer for shareholder). You're supposed to spend them on lavish trips to Canada's North. Our beloved north and one of the aforementioned "Seas". Current Governor-General (and avid blogger) Michaelle Jean embarked on her own northern tour today. Here's a schedule if you're in the neighbourhood.

Finally, what's going on out East? Well, other than the ix-nay on the Accorday, many many things. New Brunswick, not a party to federal squabbles right now, is currently seeing many exciting municipal battles. Swinger and local club owner in Moncton (or local and swinger club owner... it may not be wise to assume) calls fire and safety inspections of his club intrusive saying they're "too much". Of course, none of this had to do with Flamin' Moe night at the Venus Club. In unrelated news, a Northern New Brunswick drug and prostitution ring has been broken up. No patrons of the Venus Club were available for comment.

Also, Robert Ghiz has been sworn in a long with his cabinet of incompetent buffoons. Most of which (all) have never been in a government. Some of which are actually from New Brunswick. Have you seen the cesspool of vice lately? (Above) The few (4) who have been elected have benefited from Ghiz's one-sided favouritism. As old friends from his Opposition days they've all been granted cabinet posts. Come on Ghiz, you know at least one of them was a real douche. Admit it.

Also, Dirt Shirt Scandal! Make sure yours is dyed-in-the-...cotton...with real PEI red dirt.

The CN Tower Light Show

Next up proposal at City Council, viiiiiiibbbbbbbrrrrrratitititittiionnnnnnnns

I'll see you in court, says...Calvert?

For those of you confused by this whole equalization mess, you're not alone. Stephen Harper recently admitted: "Mr. Speaker, I don't even understand what they are saying anymore." You and me both. So, first we had the the Atlantic Accord which began with a certain big-chinned law-bringer named Brian Mulroney. This excluded offshore resource revenues from equalization and included them in the revenue of the provincial revenues of Newfoundland(andLabrador) and Nova Scotia. Then in 2005, Paul Martin renewed this whole thing, which you may or may not remember involved some flag-pole-dancing by Danny Williams.

The issue thus far: Premier Williams (PC Party-NL) embarked on a campaign not only against Stephen Harper's budget (ads in the GAM at the beginning of summer) but also against Harper himself. He says Harper broke his promise. Jim Flaherty (CPC -Ontario, former Harris cabinet minister) said "Na-uh". Then Bill Casey (CPC -NS) said "Ya-uh" and Premier Rodney McDonald (PC - NS) also said that because he spent his equalization money on debt-reduction...already. Now Bill Casey (CPC -NS) is Bill Casey (I - NS). The budget is in the Senate, senators (not Senators) are being asked to stall (which will not gain them any love from Harper).

You may be wondering: how does Saskatchewan and Premier Lorne Calvert (NDP) fit into all of this? Well, as neither an Atlantic province nor a province with any offshore resource revenues (you may remember, Saskatchewan is the completely landlocked rectangle one on your Map of Canada). Well, he says Harper broke a promise to him, his province and the people of the Atlantic provinces over included non-renewable resource revenues in equalization. Flaherty says the new equalization formula is even better for Saskatchewan. Calvert says "Tell it to the mice!"

You may be wondering: well why aren't we being told more about what the budget actually does? Well see, that would be the case if Harper had an effective communication strategy. Evidence right now points to he doesn't. When Williams attacked him, he said "Whatcho talkin' bout, I'm all bouts the Atlantic Accord like I said befo'" Quoth from the Harper quoth in Andrew Coyne's column (that gets through some crap, and avoids car metaphor-mangling):

Why should Newfoundland's possibility of achieving levels of prosperity comparable to the rest of Canada be limited to an artificial eight year period? … Why is the government so eager to ensure that Newfoundland and Labrador always remain below the economic level of Ontario? The Ontario clause is unfair and insulting to the people of Newfoundland and Labrador, and its message to that province, to Nova Scotia and to all of Atlantic Canada is absolutely clear. They can only get what they were promised if they agree to remain have not provinces forever.

How will this play out...probably a lot like the Sopranos finale...

Facebook Stalking hits VERY Close to Home

So, I'm sure that the dedicated reader(s) of this blog (Hi Matt, myself, and our fantastic producer, Sarah!) already know my views on who should get a facebook. Now, an article in today's Globe and Mail is only affirming my views on the people (and aquatic birds) who shouldn't.

Indeed, parents have invaded facebook.

This is not to say that all parents should avoid the 30 million-strong social networking site. If Jon Stewart, father of almost three-year-old Nathan Thomas and adorable baby Maggie Rose, great. And if he wants to friend me, all the better.

But its sadly not fantastic celebrity parents that are jumping onto the parents-on-facebook bandwagon. And their intentions do not involve friending yours truly. Parents are using the site to keep a watchful eye on their reclusive teens and tweens, forcing their children to censor their online selves. A teenager fresh from a weekend kegger can no longer post: "I got so wasted I had a fistfight with a squirrel" on a friend's wall, and has to ask his or her friends not to tag the pictures of the hilarity that surely ensued from drunkenly fighting a bushy-tailed rodent. Think of the inconvenience!

Globe reporter Patrick White reports: "Jenna Bromberg used to trawl Facebook with all the inhibition of a sorority girl at a spring-break kegger. She exchanged bawdy messages with friends. She broadcasted that she “drinks well with others.” She posted boozy party pictures, one showing off her finest beer-bong form."

However, Jenna is not the only one whose trawling days are over. Snooping parents are getting a taste of their own, stalkerish, medicine - they have become stalkees by, you guessed it, their own kids. Those nurturers who lamented privacy settings in the past are suddenly putting their own e-walls up.

One parent, the hilariously cruelly named Ms. van der Spank says on the issue: "What I censor is some pictures that I don't want [my kids] to see, but will e-mail my friends for a good laugh – nothing naughty, just not for their eyes."

The picture that they put on the Globe's article is proof enough that all parents should evacuate their profiles immediately.




Truly terrifying. If my mom ever pops up from behind my wall (or newly added graffiti wall!) I will literally do as a Ms. Bromberg, a boozing Cornell student, threatened to do when she was faced with her mom joining the site: "I almost deactivated my entire account right there."

I've heard of parents living vicariously through their children, but this is just sad (and potentially incriminating).

To conclude, Facebook marry me, Jon.

The World According to Us: Hands Off My Flag!

In Los Angeles, a less than angelic security guard at Dodgers Stadium hassled a Canadian waving the Maple Leaf, l'Unifolié. This in a land that has considered constitutional amendments to protect their flag from Timmy Tinder and Aaron Arson. A flag double-standard is clearly being set. We Canadians need to stand up for our flag, just like we regularly do when we celebrate Flag Day (Feb 15), describe it as a 'red rag' (Bernard Landry) or withhold flying it on Provincial buildings as a political protest(Danny Williams). Heh, or when we replace the maple leaf with other foliage.

In response to Bo Derek's international campaign (that involves white shirts, lots of tight white shirts), the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species CITES has banned the trade of sawfish. OK, maybe ti has nothing to do with Bo Derek. But she's aging well isn't she? Goodferher. Um, and don't by seal penises or rhino-horns. They invented Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra for a reason. (If your erection-inducing med isn't included here, it clearly isn't in my Spam folder)

In Hawaii, it's Kamehameha Day. If anyone out there used to watch the old Dragon Ball anime, no relation. But if you want, yell Kamehameha anyone. Instead this time, do it in honour of the King that united the Kingdom of Hawai'i and carried many heavy things according to Wikipedia...and, er, prophesy.

In other news, Stephen Lewis, who literally wrote a book on how the G-8 lacks a moral compass, has declared that the G-8 lacks moral compass (correction: anchor. Though it would make more sense to have a compass to decide how to go forward than an anchor to hold you down, no?). Lewis is the former UN Special Envoy on HIVAIDS in Africa and fundator of the Stephen Lewis Foundation, he also has twenty-seven moral compasses (anchors) on him at all times.

Two Very Different Allies

If you've found this blog by any means other than mashing your keyboard with your paws, you've certainly heard the term War on Terror on a more than regular basis. Now this may remind you of the time you're dad stayed with you all night to make sure the boogeyman didn't come out from under the bed. Unfortunately, he didn't have flashy graphics or Wolf Blitzer for The Vigil Against Bed-Wettery. Of course, the principle protagonist in the War on Terror is the United States, but it has also assembled a team of allies. Numbered in this team is Canada, of course, but also some smaller states that may not be on our radar on a regular basis. Two of these countries are the Netherlands (is the the like the the in the Ukraine?) and Albania.

I mention Canada so singularly because, of course, MALIM: BAAN is based in Canada. Also, Canada is hosting Ally #1's Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende. A brief history of Canada's relationship with the Dutch. The Netherlands, as you may or may not know, is located precariously close to Germany - it was certainly the case in World War II. As was also the case with Holland, Canada had a significant role in the liberation of Netherlands from Nazi occupation. In return, we got a tulip festival, a lot of 65 year-old Dutch-Canadians, and a pretty friendly relationship. The Dutch are currently fighting alongside Canada's forces in Afghanistan and this is supposed to be a central topic of discussion when PMs collide this week.

Ally # 2, Albania and the United States were friendly after Albania became independent from Ottoman rule in 1928 under King Zog. This was mostly because of the awesome-ness of King Zog's name (no relation). However, years of Communist rule would silence their friendship as Albania was under the Soviet sphere of influence. The relationship was uneasy, Albania was the only country that maintained diplomatic relations with China after the Sino-Soviet split (thank you Margaret Macmillan's Nixon in China). After the fall of Soviet communism, Albania quickly embraced democracy and America, very tightly. The transition continues to be rough as Albanians flee the poor economic conditions of their homeland to work in more prosperous Europe. Albania is the only Muslim country with troops in Iraq (well, that has them disclosed and fighting alongside American troops), this all explains (for the curious) GWB's warm reception in Tirana. So, the US helps Albania throw of the Soviet yoke: in return Albania has allegedly become host to those sketchy no-rights zone prisons you hear about in the news sometimes, and (this is for helping China out in the '70s too) Albania is stuck with ex-Gitmo prisoners exiled from their (predominantly Muslim) home province in China.

I'll go with the tulips, thanks.

UPDATE**Tie Domi is Albanian-Canadian. Betcha didn't know that.

"When at first you don't succeed: re-brand!" says Iran

Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega is in Iran today, reciprocating an earlier Latin American tour taken by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The two have vowed to stay together in hopes of creating a new world order to counter 'Yanqui imperialismo'.

In hopes of escaping the PR nightmare that was David Frum's 'Axis of Evil' coinage - an alliance purportedly linking Tehran, Pyongyang and Baghdad - Nuclear-Mahmoud is calling his new partnership with Latin American leaders the 'Alliance for Justice'. Latin American leaders included in the last-minute Photoshop job featured on BBCWorld include Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and, of course, senors Ortega and Ahmadinejad.

How can you spin an unspinnable name like 'Alliance for Justice'? Clearly, Mahmoud has been watching old multilateral organization branding fall apart. 'Axis of Evil' just doesn't sell at home, 'Non-Aligned' sounds to middling, and the Coalition of the Willing has never been to his liking. He wanted a name with principles. He's even hearkening back to that old group of nations, the Allies, that got together that was fighting one of the single most despicable totalitarian leaders in European history. Oh, but that's an entirely unconfirmed history as far as Mahmoud is concerned.

Maybe he was thinking of the Justice League? The kids love Justice League.
Let the rebranding begin!

Bush in Rome

US President George W. Bush is in Rome today, after the G-8 Summit wrapping up in Germany he is embarking on a European tour. In Italy, he has met with the Pope, Benny - he likes to call him Benny, and Italian PM Romano Prodi. According to the GAM:

The highlight of Mr. Bush's day was his first-ever meeting with Pop Benedict, a fellow religious conservative, in the Vatican.

Despite the unreported typo (there are two! spot the second one) that makes the Benny sound like an Archie Comics character, this wins some kind of prize for the no-shit category. The GAM went on to report that Benny's Catholic, the Ayatollah is Muslim and Tom Cruise is an adherent of the Church of Scientology. Wonders never cease. Though putting Bush and the Pope's religious conservatism on the same level is...a little weird. I guess it comes with a cultivated image.

Nonetheless, the Leaders of the Catholic and Free Worlds (which you can imagine as a Venn diagram if it helps) got down to important business. Namely: AIDS in Africa and peace in the Middle East. If there is anything that can solve those two of the worlds problems, its two white guys talking about it in Rome. Apparently, the recent kefuffle with Vladimir Putin also came up. To which the Pope said "Stick it to the Red bastard." Also, because Europe is into that, there were riots.

And no, President Bush didn't get lost during Rome's Pride Month celebrations...those two gentlemen are part of the Pope's elite Swiss Guard. You have to be pretty elite to pull that outfit of. I wonder where they were last week...