Keep Your Fingers Crossed! Black Verdict Pending...

This afternoon, readers, my faith in God was reaffirmed. Black is not guilty. No, Lord Conrad Black is in fact, still innocent. Because he has not been proven guilty. Because the jury has yet to make up their minds.

The Globe reported early this evening that the jury told Right Honourable Amy St. Eve that it could not reach a unanimous verdict on one or more of the charges laid against Lord Black and the other defendants, of whom I (and the rest of the media) do not care about.

(Fine. John Boultbee, Peter Atkinson and Mark Kipnis. Happy?)

The jury, after delivering its note, asked the Judge to "please advise" them on how to let Conrad off the hook without having lead Prosecutor Eric Sussman burst into hot, justice-serving tears.

Both Sussman and the defense jumped into action after the note was read: Sussman begged (on his knees, like a twat) for the jury to deliver a partial verdict, while defense attorney Ronald Safer valiantly asked that it be recognized that the jury has been working very hard and simply cannot reach a verdict.

As I've said before, that jury is chock-full of middle-aged women. They can't spend hours in a deliberation room drooling over pictures of Conrad Black and find the time to write an apology to Sussman for ending his career. I know I certainly can't.

***

Readers, this is breaking news. I am interrupting my string of nonsense to tell you that my dear co-host has mentioned that the jury might be hung. (Laughs.)

***

Readers, I have just been told what a "hung jury" means. No, this is not innuendo. This smells like victory. They actually interrupted Canadian Idol to serve this up. Jury deliberations are supposed to continue Wednesday, but I'll see if there's anything coming through the billions of interconnected tubes that make up the internet and tell you tomorrow. Sleep light, darlings. Tomorrow night might be cause for celebration.

Unless, of course, you're a Hollinger stockholder.

"Cross Your Fingers" Now Slang for "Empty the Accounts and Head for the Border"

This is it, readers. Lord Conrad Black's fate rests in the combined 24 hands of twelve, mostly female jurors.

After a slanderous lifetime of Prosecutor Eric Sussman's final statements to the jury, the Globe reported that, besides being sexy, "Lord Black... sat stone-faced... as Mr. Sussman spoke . He seemed weary, looking up at the ceiling and sighing as he and his co-defendants were once again called liars by the prosecution."

I have nothing to worry about, and I'll tell you why.

a) Sussman ended his closing remarks by showing the Jury a 2002 email written by Black, which read, "Two years from now no one will remember any of this." And Lord Black was totally right. This investigation bullshit didn't really heat up until 2005. So there, Sussman. Your email is a moot point.

and

b) The jury is MOSTLY FEMALE. Other than the offchance of all of those women being lesbians, there is no way that they will be able to resist the cool, collected charms/wiles/money of Lord Conrad Black. He's the George Clooney of the corporate world, minus the compromising 1980's mullet photos. And because the decision has to be unanimous, it looks like Conrad's going to walk.

...

Conrad, if they convict you you can stay in my basement.

Cans and Bottles in the Blue, Non-Compete Payment Documents in the Black

Well, if it isn’t the Lord Black prosecutors, being total dicks again.

This morning, the Globe and Mail reported that the Prosecutors (or the American Crown, for those Canadians following along) have asked the presiding Judge - the Honourable Amy St. Eve - to introduce a collection of Lord Black's 'musings' as evidence against him. Some of these memos were contained in the 13 boxes that Lord Black is accused of smuggling out of his 10 Toronto St. office, violating a court order and a subpoena prohibiting the removal of documents from said office.

What the media tries to make a footnote in this whole story is that Lord Black returned the boxes three days later. It's clear to me, and obviously doesn't need any further probing, that Lord Black was merely taking the documents out for a lively stroll - did you know how nice is was May 25, 2005? I mean, you'd be crazy not to take your Hammermills out on a day like that.

Oh, but wait. The Globe, with all of its finger-pointing and snobbery, listed not one, but two dates constituting when Lord Black took the boxes out. Was it the 20th, Globe, or the 25th? Seriously, the link is there. Check it yourself.

Though I am severely concerned about the reliability of this article, I will press on. For Conrad.

The topics of the memos vary greatly, as do the contents of the boxes. The Globe reports (and remember, take this with a grain of salt) that: "One [memo] covers a range of topics ranging from tax shelters to a discussion about secret recordings. In another, Lord Black praises his colleagues for winning the "great battle" against non-compete payments. He also discusses personal expenses such as his chef in London and his chauffeur."

Okay, so I see nothing wrong with discussing secret recordings. Watergate wasn't that long ago - Lord Black was probably doing his famous Nixon impression... you know... "Ooh, Checkers, why did I make those bloody recordings..."

The only semblance between the two of them is that they both weren't crooks. Well, Conrad's not. Really.

I also need to stress that the Globe failed to report on the other contents of the box, unfinished love letters from Lord Black to me.

*maniacal laughter, followed by crying*

Copyright? That's a stretch

Copyright law is a familiar struggle to Canadians and many people in the post-industrial world. Intellectual Property can set the eyes of many teenagers a-glaze as they fire up bitTorrent, YouTube or whatever. Then there are the real fringe: the teens who could teach you the real facts about copyright law. Those are the pirates. Swab your deck. I digress: the context in which you usually hear copyright law and intellectual property bandied about is movies and music. Occasionally (if, like Bono, you care about Africa for example), you hear it in the context of pharmaceuticals. How about Yoga?

Yes, no-fat cappuccino-shucking yuppies around the world may soon see their repetoires severely limited. Already some Yogagurus make their charges pay to teach "their" techniques. The Indian government is seeking to build a database to secure their cultural heritage so others can't make money off it. You know what that sounds like: communism. Not like centuries-old wisdom should be shared by those who can actually stretch that way. Or like Lauren and I were charged by a Montreal Yoga-monk $1.25 for his book (feat. the Beatles). You know what else: yoga means "union", as in maybe the "Yoga of Socialist Soviet States"? WHO SAID THAT!?

I wonder what Dr Ruby Dhalla thinks about all this?

Now I've got to watch Spider-Man 3 off YouTube, wait in line at the movie theatre? Psh.

Conrad, You'll Always be in the Black to Me

Oh, Lord Black, you valiant soul you.

The Globe and Mail reported this morning that, despite the (heinous) allegations and consequent trial that Canada's home-grown Napoleon is currently faced with, Lord Black is still "keeping a watchful eye over the Hollinger companies he once ran."

Honestly, how can this man be considered a potential criminal? I mean, we all know the legal system has its shortfalls - but LORD BLACK? Possibly the most innocent person on the planet? I mean, fresh babes from the womb have a bigger rapsheet.

If you are not convinced - listen to Lord Black's comments, made Tuesday:

“I want a neutral, sensible caretaker regime, and then I will refinance Ravelston and try to recover some value for the Hollinger shareholders... This is their only hope of not being wiped out completely.”

The heroism! The grandeur!

How can this man be guilty? HOW???

Conrad, I'm rooting for you.

**FULL DISCLOSURE**
The author has "a thing" for anyone with a Napoleon complex, including but not limited to Conrad Black, Napoleon, and the author herself.