Feds Hoped to Snag Bin Laden Expert in JFK Plot
U.S. Violent Crime Spiking
Cops: Ex-Council Temp High on Crack in Fair
Father-in-Law to Be Investigated in TB Case
Parents of Quarantined TB Patient 'In Hell'
Marine Who Wore Uniform at Anti-War Rally Has...
Fla. Woman Dragged to Death by Fleeing Minivan
For your convenience, readers, I have taken the liberty of skimming all of these (as I refuse to outright read FOX news) and have highlighted the positive ones in green, leaving the negative stories in red.
With the impending collapse of the United States clearly rearing its ugly head, I think the focus of the G8 summit, which conveniently starts on Wednesday, should not be the Environment or ending Global Poverty, but something important. That's right readers, our G8 leaders should be discussing how to effectively partition the defeated United States in the (increasingly) near future. Lucky for them, I've drafted a rough outline for them to reference when they proceed through these difficult talks.
First off, the G8 leaders aren't going to let the United States, their former superally, go completely hungry. Any states that are represented in green still belong to the United States, but will be occupied by a G8 coalition force. (The U.S. won't mind. Iraq certainly doesn't.) And, the best part is, they're still United! Well, except Vermont.
Next, Canada, which doesn't really need any extra land to manage, will become the proud owners of Alaska, which is pretty much ours anyways, Michigan, so that it officially contains all the Great Lakes, Maine, so that Newfoundland can take back more of what's rightfully theirs, and Philadelphia, because I want Sidney Crosbie back and this is the only way I can think of getting him.
Russia - which, like the U.S., has also suffered a loss of superpower status, and, like Canada, also doesn't need any extra land - gets Washington D.C. and a chance to play "oval office." And, to be fair, they get Washington State too.
France, which is likely to want nothing to do with the United States, gets Napa Valley, in California, to control a little bit more of the wine market. They get Louisiana, so that they can berate their Creole accents, Nevada, so they can tear down the lurid Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas, and New York State, because the snobs in New York city might just fit in.
Though everyone is still a little wary of Germany, they certainly aren't going to leave empty handed. Therefore, to Germany goes the twins, North and South Dakota. North Dakota features the city of Bismarck, a tribute to Germany's first Chancellor. And South Dakota could certainly use some of that German engineering after the destruction done to one of America's most beloved landmarks.
German icons (from right): philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, Otto von Bismarck, Ludwig von Beethoven, and Claudia Schiffer.
Italy, to deal with its aging population, gets the prime retiring state of Florida. Oh, and Sicily gets New Jersey, because the Sopranos is getting cancelled and I need that mafia drama.
The Japanese, like Russia, are getting a chance to feel better about being snubbed by the States in the past. To them goes Pearl Harbour, along with the rest of Hawai'i, and Oregon, where they can tear down the emotional remnants of interment camps and make dozens of kareoke bars, Hello Kitty factories, and whale-hunting boats... er, whale-research boats.
To the United Kingdom goes California (minus Napa Valley, which, if you're following, went to France), as it's time that they get the credit they deserve for their superb television (telly?) programs and mediocre film.
The Cockneys will probably get to the Hollywood sign before it's too late. Also, to Britain goes Texas. This is more of a social experiment on my part - I want to see if the Brits can get Texans to cart billyclubs instead of shotguns.
And while China isn't currently in the G8, it's only a manner of time. To them goes all unclaimed eastern coastal states, to secure the border. This may seem unfair, but they probably already own the ports anyhow.
There's no need to thank me, World Leaders. It's all in a day's work.
Also, I would like to humbly announce that Matt and I are officially over the hill. Huzzah 50!
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