24 Hour Comic Day

Our hundredth post kicks off our Non-Sequitur 24 Hour Comic Day.

Lauren and I will be making a comic each (24 pages, at least 100 panels, fully inked and lettered - colour optional) in the next 24 hours.
We will be updating MALITM (BAN) hourly, so keep in touch!

Matt & Lauren in the Morning but actually in 24 hours.

1pm to 1pm

1pm Jan 19 - Begin!

2pm - Matt 2 panels. Lauren 1 panel + character designs. Both panicked 10 minutes in.

3pm - Matt 1 page (not fully inked/lettered)/7 panels + one female lead named Maybel. Lauren 4 panels (fully done). Lauren doesn't want to say anything. We may never finish...one hour behind...

4pm - Matt 1.5 pages (still not fully inked or lettered). Lauren 1 page (6 panels). Lauren in early stages of fatigue. Matt accidentally drew Mary Walsh.

5pm - Matt 1.8 pages (slightly more inked and lettered). Lauren 1 pages (6 panel, page 2 in progress). Lauren losing hope, listening to Journey's Don't Stop Believing.

6pm - Matt 2 (3/4 pencilled page 3). Lauren 2 pages on third. Opened bag of chips. Doubting selves. Beginning to pack in violence, sex, sexy violence and the Bird.

7pm - Matt 3.5. Lauren 3ish/4ish. Film teacher called. Matt is giving up tequila for this. This is OK, a film teacher understands these kinds of things. The plot thickens!

8pm - Matt 4 Lauren 3 on her fourth.

9pm-1:20am - Matt and Lauren fail at Liveblearging.

1:20 am - Matt goes to bed. Finishing page 15 or 16 with the ominous line, "I can wait too." He has never drawn an obese man giving the finger so much.

12:49pm Jan 20 - Matt is done, seriously. 103 panels, 24 pages + cover.

Chaos! from Sea to Sea to Sea

No, we have not abandoned you (singular), our focus has shifted to becoming a PODCAST. To round off the summer, I'm embarking on some thangs that reflect on the past two months (you know, the months with no posts).

This has been the summer of pestilence, to coin a phrase. Following mumps entering our hallow'd halls of academia at Dalhousie and Tuberculosis get close to our NWT tubers and a that guy who got on a plane, I was expected the other three horsemen at any moment. I still am, horseman aren't known for being on time. Until then pestilence continues to be taking its sweet, sweet infected time with us. Saskatchewan has seen 800 cases of West Nile Virus this summer. This summer is estimated to be the highest since 2003, when there were 947 infections. The closest 'Nile, Egypt' is 2639km away.

In the Northwest Territories 3 MLAs have had their seats acclaimed, Meg White, Jack White and Meg White, again. Let's just say that the tour in this summer was really popular. No one can compete with the Hardest [Campaign] Button to Button. Ah-oh. Acclamations are not all that uncommon North of 60, in 2003 19 seats were won by acclamation(apparently a good year for West Nile lovers and Democracy-haters).

Anyone go to V-Fest Toronto? Did you see Lauren? I didn't go or see Lauren!

UPDATE: In the past two days, power outages have affected both the Canadian heartland (we're Saskatchewanian Square at heart) and the Great Hereditary Ghiz Fiefdom of Prince Edward Island. Chaos, I tell you! Chaos!

The Galaxy Needs You!

No, this is not another post about how you'll be able to lick Darth Vader's behind thanks to the US Postal Service. No, fair reader (-- or soulless abyss that is the Internet, drain on my soul and free time), the Galaxy really does need you, for SCIENCE!

As it turns out the work of painstakingly classifying the galaxies of the infinite blackness of Space is just too tedious for the big brains of the professional scientific community. They'd much rather be weighing black holes. So these Poindexters and Poindextresses have enlisted the greatest tool mankind has ever known for the purpose of classifying mountains and mountains of otherwise undecipherable, unsurmountable and nearly infinite data: Web 2.0.

New Mexican (?) astronomers (who of course have their degree in astrophysics, not the by-mail Miss Cleo service) have put together Galaxy Zoo and are enlisting volunteers to sift through the wormholes, star systems and nebulas and tell them what's what. The monstrous 'tag cloud' that ensues will hopefully give them more information on how the universe is shaped, in turn how the universe was formed, and what Exit to get off to find God's House.

Or, volunteers will be massively distracted once they discover a constellation that kinda looks like David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger off the floor...

UPDATE: There's a facebook group.

Doctor in the House? Doctor Dhalla in dahouse!

Who knew life on the Hill was so much part-Medical drama? I'd always thought of it as more of part-bitch fest, part-24 hour news cash-cow, and part-TV singing competition. I digress.

Let's set the very dramatic stage: Two rival camps meet across the hall every Wednesday. Sworn enemies, never united. Not by blood, never by love (if never-er by respect). The Liberalos and the Conservapulettes. Suddenly, Convervapulette MP Nina Grewal faints (!) to cries of "Is there a doctor in the house!?" The shocking revelation, not a single member of the Conservapulette caucus is an ex-Medicolo. Conservapulettes desperate to save their comrade (though they would never say comrade, that's one of those dirty NDP words) cross the Centre Block to the Liberalo caucus (which is the only one with ex-Meds...the Toronto Star emphasizes). Who rises to the challenge?! Bernard Patry (Pierrefonds-Dollard) and Ruby Dhalla (Brampton-Springdale-My-Dreams). Of course, Dr Dhalla tagged along in case the fainting was brought on by a killer backspasm. Needless to say, c'est tout reglé. It was a minor incident. But oh so rrrrrriveting.

Finally, Big Brother is watching me...

It's the future, boys and girls, and I was promised a lot of things. OK, my parents were promised a lot of things for their children, namely me, and I'm here to collect. Flying cars, jet packs, movators, dysotpian dictatorships, continental global conflict, mass production of genetically ideal human beings. I'm still quite dissappointed that I can't own my very own Orbity. Things are moving slow, but they are moving there.

Despite the reports that Canada isn't innovative enough: A start-up company in Kingston, Ontario has developed a billboard that watches you. Yes, Yakov Smirnov fans, it's true. Eric Blair, George Orwell to the uninitiated, is jumping for joy up yellin' "TOLD YOU SO, Aldous Huxley!" at the big dysptoian novelist "bar+café" in the sky. He probably even dropped his panini.

Advertisers will be watching us the way we were promised big government would. Oh, that market and it's trusty invisible hand (and now invisible eye). I demand to be watched constantly, and you supply. Waitasec...

NHOP

Lauren, I don't know how we did it...but we did. All that, without needing to stop by the National House Of Prayer. Or the International House Of Prayer. We beat the odds.

To the reader you may wonder why we would twice mention post thresholds (40 and now 50). The fact of the matter when we hit 40 we didn't think we'd make it to the next ten, the big five-O. We live on the edge of our seats here at MALIM: BAAN, and the emotionally raw, volatile relationship Lauren and I have leaves us at constant risk of total meltdown.

We hope you're enjoying us so far.

xoxo
-Matt

To forty posts...

...we salute... ourselves.

In Communist China, Priorities Make you

Four hours and 64 years after getting shot in the head, doctors removed the bullet from Jin Guangying, 77. She was shot when by partisans (presumably by accident) during the Japanese invasion of China in World War II. In the immediate aftermath she survived thanks to her mother's care ("homecare") though the bullet went unnoticed. Except for, you know, periodic headaches and recent airport security checks.

It would seem that had this happened in Canada it would have taken at least 65 years. Especially, considering the rate at which Stephen Harper has been getting through his Five Priorities. Let's take a gander, why don't we?

-Federal Accountability Act, rammed through by John "ARGH" Baird. Parliamentary pages rejoice at new laws made just for you!
-The Environment, oh, that wasn't there before. Rather, a massive shift in public opinion made it a priority. Legislation: pending, being rammed through by John Baird...
-Make our streets and communities safer, John Baird can only be in so many places at once!
-Write a book about the history of hockey...it's become more of scrapbook of him dropping pucks for the troops. How about the Sens? Can he say he did the Sens?
-Oh, there it is...Health Care Wait Times, pretty much the perennial number one for Canadians. Still no movement. How soon will the provinces be getting together with Harper to sort that one out? Anyone? Danny Williams? Well thankfully he followed through on cutting the GST. Those Lauriers make great gauze!

Victoria Day/Journée Des Patriotes

Happy May Two-Four long weekend!

Some of you may have heard of the recent C40 Cities conference on climate change. As a patchwork of legislation blankets, the world (think of it as a hemp quilt) due to the inaction of national governments, C40 cities are aiming at a "Zerofootprint". Toronto would be one of these eager cities, partly due to its desperate effort to attain "world-class" status.

Anyway, to all the GTAers (and TAists who have come by these netherparts) we present our recommendation for having a greener summer. While everyone definitely wants to get out, get away, they wanna go, they wanna fly away (damn you, Lenny Kravtiz and your infectious cover of American Woman from way back), here at MALITM: BAN we recommend a more environmentally-friendly destination: Markham, Ontario.

Think about it. David Miller's on your ass about your carbon emissions and the gas-man wants you to pay his exorbitant gas-prices, come to Markham, Canada's Hi-Tech Capital! Close enough to take the GO train (heck even the TTC'll take you there) for Torontonians, Markham has so much to offer!

Are you a visible minority? So is 56%* of Markham, but don't worry if you're not!
Do you enjoy overly complicated border disputes? Step into the Great Thornhill Debate! Is it in Vaughan or Markham? By the end of this discussion you'll feel like you're in a very dispassionate part of Cyprus!
Are you a recent immigrant to Canada who is underemployed? Throw your resumé into the pile at Motorola, Genesis Microchip, IBM, or ATI (recently merged with AMD)!
Do you own an iPod? Apple computers has some kind of operation in Markham, you can drive by and take a picture with the Apple logo!

Markham so much to offer, just check out this aerial shot:WOW.
*All facts, photos are courtesy Wikipedia, and are therefore not worth their salt. We love you Markham!

Dhalla Pour La Chefferie!

Grace au manque du vrai changement au parti Québécois (et un course à la direction qui me laisse bien décu J'annoce qu'ici à Matt et Lauren au Matin (mais vraiment le soir) nous appuions Dr Ruby Dhalla pour la chefferie du PQ. Ici, le mouvement "Draft Dhalla" commence!

Elle represente un vrai changement pour le PQ. Elle a tout ce que Mme Marois a, et plus!

Une femme forte qui est commis à la justice sociale. Un réputation bien fort comme politicienne. On dit que c'est le temps pour la première femme de devenir, pourquoi pas la première Bramptonienne? Sikh? Vedette de filme "Bollywood"?

Stephane Dion: MAKE-OVER

Shuffles in the upper echelons of Stéphane Dion's politico-non-campaign campaign machine suggest he's up for a makeover. Here at Matt & Lauren in the Mornin', but Actually at Night there's nothing we love than a good makeover. So we thought we'd volunteer our own Stéphane Dion Makeover. Here is Stéphane now:

Jeez, even for his official glam-shot Stéphane still looks like he's offering to do your homework in exchange for fewer wedgies. Paper in the foreground! All this says about Stéphane is that he can read documents that are printed on white paper! BLANDORAMA. What does Stéphane believe in? Well he has his three pillars let's try: ENVIRO-MENTAL STéPHANE:
Mmm...maybe this is too enviro...mental. This might alienate voters who are, already alienated by his environmental stance. Though the thumbs up is a definite bonus and the solar panel says "I like technology, I'm not all wonky granola"...so let's keep the good and drop the bad. Maybe play with that whole steel-coloured hair. Everyone loves of silver-spandex jumpsuit:

New hair style kind of reminiscent of Sir Wilfrid Laurier. It's very shiney, the kids love their bling. Although Harper does have the whole robot thing basically in the pocket. Stéphane wants to play up how passionate he is, how nouveau génération he is.
Politics is all about streetcred. As in appropriating various popular culture figures to advance your own cred. Like Paul Martin and Bono. Unfortunately this makeover won't do it all, because Stéph went to sperm-donor to the stars, K-Fed (Kevin Federline, you know, Britney Spear's ex-husband), for fashion advice. I'd keep the PIMP cup, "cause I'm all for gettin' 'crunked' like it's hot", but the earrings are too grandma-Dion. K-Fed doesn't mean 'Kanadian-Federalism' Stéph, you'd better back off!

Well let's take the best of the new and the old, and we get Stéphane "Stéph" Dion 2.0 (I am the user-driven content):
Cheers, Stéph 2.0, cheers.

Copyright? That's a stretch

Copyright law is a familiar struggle to Canadians and many people in the post-industrial world. Intellectual Property can set the eyes of many teenagers a-glaze as they fire up bitTorrent, YouTube or whatever. Then there are the real fringe: the teens who could teach you the real facts about copyright law. Those are the pirates. Swab your deck. I digress: the context in which you usually hear copyright law and intellectual property bandied about is movies and music. Occasionally (if, like Bono, you care about Africa for example), you hear it in the context of pharmaceuticals. How about Yoga?

Yes, no-fat cappuccino-shucking yuppies around the world may soon see their repetoires severely limited. Already some Yogagurus make their charges pay to teach "their" techniques. The Indian government is seeking to build a database to secure their cultural heritage so others can't make money off it. You know what that sounds like: communism. Not like centuries-old wisdom should be shared by those who can actually stretch that way. Or like Lauren and I were charged by a Montreal Yoga-monk $1.25 for his book (feat. the Beatles). You know what else: yoga means "union", as in maybe the "Yoga of Socialist Soviet States"? WHO SAID THAT!?

I wonder what Dr Ruby Dhalla thinks about all this?

Now I've got to watch Spider-Man 3 off YouTube, wait in line at the movie theatre? Psh.

NOT ROSIE TOO!

Now Rosie O'Donnell is leaving The View! After a relentless stream of fem-betrayals I'm loosing hope in the fairer sex. Not that I in any way subscribe to the belief that women are fundamentally treacherous and have been since Eve gave Adam that sweet sweet apple that I carry in my larynx to this day. No, that would be ridiculous. There is one woman I trust: Dr Ruby Dhalla.


This Brampton Liberal MP (and former Bollywood-actress) is the solution to all my woes.

So your star Ontario Fem-P wants back into her dad's business, all the strong female role-models seem to have run off with Tie Domi. Who you gonna call? Dr Ruby.

So your woman, who's presence on the scene is supposed to represent an unwavering commitment to environmental ethics, cuts a deal with Stephane Dion. You're dishearted, disillusioned and disturbed by the various analogies to high school model insert modelled government institution nerd-love. Who you gonna call? Dr. Ruby.

Who will have the gall to stand up to Donald Trump and his smarm-over? Who can, in a state of constant feuding, capture public attention just by the sheer dislikeabilty of both parties? Not Dr Ruby, she's a sweetheart. Maybe that's why they want Alec Baldwin to take over Rosie's spot on the couch. It would still be better if they got Dr Ruby.

Who you gonna call when you need a some sweet, Sikh seduction? Hey! Dr Ruby's not that kinda gal. She's a DOCTOR of Chiroprac-ticality...Sick jerk.

xoxo
-Matt

For Laur-Laur

xoxo
-Matt

Robo-Manatee: Update!

'Doggie Bag' Takes on Whole New Meaning

And we thought San Francisco was bad.

Today, the CBC reported that a committee from Toronto City Council is currently debating the change of the classic slogan "Poop and Scoop" to the much less catchy "Poop, Scoop, and Carry."

What does this mean for city dog owners? Proponents of this new idea, like Councillor Paula Fletcher, would have pooch walkers not only pick up after their pets, but carry the steaming bag with them until they get home. Her recommendation is that owners throw the refuse into their green bins, designed to collect resident organics, like food, popcorn bags, and now, dog crap.

Fletcher's "best" idea so far? Letting squeamish walkers "plac[e the waste] somewhere to be picked up on the way home" - clearly putting a plastic bag of shit on a park bench or monument is less disgusting or, as Fletcher says, "aesthetically pleasing," than, as she puts, "when you walk in a park and there's a [waste] basket and there's dangling white bags of dog poo there."

The suggestion itself surfaced after the 2006 waste audit showed that 23-27% of all park trash was dog waste. However, illegally dumped materials made up 10-15% of the waste. Hello? Illegally dumped materials? Shouldn't we be telling people to take their illegally dumped materials home with them? Let's get serious here - are dog owners ever going to get a break?

It's days like these I'm ashamed to be called a Torontonian... Torontoite? What the hell are we?

Become a Jedi Shipping & Mailing Master!

Unfortunately this is not happening in Canada. Or maybe fortunately my inner SW-geek has yet to decide. The United States Postal Service is releasing a series of Star Wars stamps. In an odd coincidence I was talking to some ladies (yes, they were ladies!) who were contemplating the joys of their youth in relation to both Jedismo and stamp-collecting.

Anyway it involves voting for the best stamp...or some kind of voting. My understanding is you don't even need to be an American to vote!

Exercise your franchise over the franchise!

xoxo
-Matt

P.S. Beware! Swooping tie-fighter and lightsaber sound effects!

San Francisco's "best-friends" may find new ban poses sticky situation.

Yesterday, four-legged San Franciscans and their owners found themselves hard-pressed to find a solution to their city's new plastic grocery bag ban.

City Officials believe that this move will spur on other conservation methods in the Californian peninsula. They are already claiming that the ban is an excellent step to redcuing greenhouse gas emissions, citing that the average 200 million bags they use contribute to about 4.2 million kilograms of carbon dioxide getting released into the air.

Though environmental groups and pinkos alike are lauding the plan, many of the town's inhabitants, dog-owners especially, are wondering what to do when their plastic-bag supplies run dry.

It is projected that San Francisco canines produce a whopping 4.2 million kilograms of excrement in a given year. An amount that, without the proper provisions, could be catastrophic for the City By the Bay.

"It's not that I don't want to help the environment," said Castro resident Mark Knobb as life partner Derek plays with their 3-year-old Boodle (that's bulldog-poodle), "But it's not like I'm going to pick up after Sassy here with resusable canvas totes - that's just ridiculous."

Ross Mikarimi, who introduced the ban in the city legislature, was available for comment but could only muster a slew of derogatory remarks, which this publication has tastefully chosen to omit.

Following suit on the ban is the small Manitoban town of Leaf Rapids, as is the copycat British Columbian region of Rossland. There is no word, however, on how their respective governments will deal with the inevitable dog problems, not to mention those whiny bastards at OPEC.