Chaos! from Sea to Sea to Sea

No, we have not abandoned you (singular), our focus has shifted to becoming a PODCAST. To round off the summer, I'm embarking on some thangs that reflect on the past two months (you know, the months with no posts).

This has been the summer of pestilence, to coin a phrase. Following mumps entering our hallow'd halls of academia at Dalhousie and Tuberculosis get close to our NWT tubers and a that guy who got on a plane, I was expected the other three horsemen at any moment. I still am, horseman aren't known for being on time. Until then pestilence continues to be taking its sweet, sweet infected time with us. Saskatchewan has seen 800 cases of West Nile Virus this summer. This summer is estimated to be the highest since 2003, when there were 947 infections. The closest 'Nile, Egypt' is 2639km away.

In the Northwest Territories 3 MLAs have had their seats acclaimed, Meg White, Jack White and Meg White, again. Let's just say that the tour in this summer was really popular. No one can compete with the Hardest [Campaign] Button to Button. Ah-oh. Acclamations are not all that uncommon North of 60, in 2003 19 seats were won by acclamation(apparently a good year for West Nile lovers and Democracy-haters).

Anyone go to V-Fest Toronto? Did you see Lauren? I didn't go or see Lauren!

UPDATE: In the past two days, power outages have affected both the Canadian heartland (we're Saskatchewanian Square at heart) and the Great Hereditary Ghiz Fiefdom of Prince Edward Island. Chaos, I tell you! Chaos!

Rabies is all 'la rage'

After my recent illness (I'm eating solids!), it's good to know there will be something new for hypochondriac Canucks to worry about: RABIES! or is it is known in French 'la rage'. It would seem there is an outbreak of rabies among the raccoon and forest critter population on the Québec-Vermont border. Thankfully something good has come out of this, I learned the word 'épizootie'. Epizooty, as is the English equivalent's appellation, is an outbreak of disease among a certain species of animals. Now back to causing a sensationalist worry to frighten all the hypochondriacs back under their beds! If the rabies epizooty were to make it to Montreal, the city's wooded Mont Royal park would become a hotbed of raccoon disease! Somebody tell Bert! THE RABID 'COONS ARE COMING!
ANYONE WEARING A COONSKIN IS A RABID-COONZOMBIE!

In other Québec enviro-news, there is a serious blue-green algae problem that's a-stirring. It has caused a ban on swimming in the Saguenay region. You do not want blue-green algae in your itsybitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini. Though I'm sure you look great in it.

Woe! Woe!

Dear readers,

I am sick. Real sick. Real, ick. This means lots of fluids and the like, though blogging has not yet figured into my recovery. Thankfully it is not Haligonian mumps, flight-induced tuberculosis, or SARS. Just good gastroenteritis. If you've gotten the shits in the last couple of days, live in Toronto, and want to be able to claim you were at the epicentre of the Shits Epidemic '07 drop a line in the comments box. Until then, lots of sleep for me.

That is all.
xoxo
-Matt

Finally, Big Brother is watching me...

It's the future, boys and girls, and I was promised a lot of things. OK, my parents were promised a lot of things for their children, namely me, and I'm here to collect. Flying cars, jet packs, movators, dysotpian dictatorships, continental global conflict, mass production of genetically ideal human beings. I'm still quite dissappointed that I can't own my very own Orbity. Things are moving slow, but they are moving there.

Despite the reports that Canada isn't innovative enough: A start-up company in Kingston, Ontario has developed a billboard that watches you. Yes, Yakov Smirnov fans, it's true. Eric Blair, George Orwell to the uninitiated, is jumping for joy up yellin' "TOLD YOU SO, Aldous Huxley!" at the big dysptoian novelist "bar+café" in the sky. He probably even dropped his panini.

Advertisers will be watching us the way we were promised big government would. Oh, that market and it's trusty invisible hand (and now invisible eye). I demand to be watched constantly, and you supply. Waitasec...

OMG N.W.T. TB! WTF?

Admittedly, this first caught my attention because I thought it had something to do with the first TB-guy. You know the one who was said "It's only a cough, I'll be fine once I travel across the ocean and pass as many national borders as possible." It turns out, an entirely different TB scare is going on in the North West Territories, says the Ceeb. Like all good stories, as Lauren so often says, it started with a homeless man. It has now lead to hundreds being tested for tuberculosis across the En-dublya-tee.

Moving from the homeless to English majors (which may not be much of a stretch, zing): the outbreak of mumps that started in Nova Scotia's universities is continuing to spread. Cases in Nova Scotia are reported at 326 by the Ceep, however a 'Joel Plaskett' state of 'Emergency' has not yet been declared. Be wary of anyone who's 'McLachlan' up 'Bubbles' all over the place this could get out of hand. Luckily, vaccinations will be available soon starting at only a 'Buck-65' per shot. Anne Murray.

Apologies to all those willing to accept them for the excess of spelling out acronyms and the horrendous East Coast music scene puns. Credit is due for not making a joke about how the sick would be driven into the "Great Big Sea". OK, fine. There from Newfoundland and Labrador anyway.

Aircraft-Carrier vs. Mahmoud

Dick Cheney is making promises to personally send people to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons and an upper hand in the Middle East. It is easy to see why the US doesn't want Nuclear-Mahmoud to go nuclear. However, his skillz just aren't where the game's at.

Threats? Dramatic posing on an aircraft carrier? Are you trying to show Mahmoud "Hey, I'm a vastly technologically and military preponderant superpower" when you really mean to say "I care". I thought so, Mr Vice-President.

This is precisely what our good friend the nuclear powered Robo-Manatee is for. Not only does it shoot lasers out of its eyes (bound to inspire love and respect from any world leader) but it is also a master of etiquette and protocol. Like C-3P0 but less of a pansy. Yes, Dick, we both know last thing America is is a pansy. I urge you, deploy Stan the Robo-Manatee to solve your diplomatic troubles. He mixes some fierce drinks and is excellent in all kinds of date configurations (double, harem, secret service, "with my fist").

Mr Cheney go with the 'Tee, Robo-Manatee that is.
****
Update: If you see any nukes, uh...lying around. Er...If you see any nukes lying around, y'know don't panic and maybe...check out the information here. (ahhhhhh)

The Solution to Global Warming

So it turns out the earlier post about global warming is moot. Pay no attention to ... well, the Catholic Church's new acceptance of the issue, the Harper government's 'plan' or Ed Stelmach. Um, if you actually were paying attention, that is.

Fear not! The Solution and Real Cause TM have been found by an intrepid Arkansian/Arkansasian/Arkansasite with a thirst for scientific inquiry. The recent bout of record temperatures this March have a clear cause:

This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know, Daylight Saving Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they?

DID THEY? DID THEY??!

Courtesy El Reg.

(Disclaimer: The original clipping was produced in the spirit of parody. A fine art. A fine art, that I should be warned about at the beginning of any related news article or by conspicuously small print at the end.)

Pope says 'Yes' to Harper's Green Plan

In a strange confluence of events, the Tory green plan has been met not only with Papal assent (er...recognition that the faithful must respond to climate change) but also, much more difficult to procure, Albertan assent.

If you think of the timing of the announcement, it's not too bad: the Conservatives managed to be one whole day ahead of the Catholic Church's response to climate change. I mean I knew Canada's New-Car-Smell Government lessthanthrees priorities and rapid responses, but it barely eked out the Roman Catholic Church. If the Catholic Church has represented anything in the past 2000 years it has been slow, slow, slow acceptance of new ideas (as in only accepting them when they become old ideas, if at all).

In terms of Alberta, 'Steady Eddy' Ed Stelmach has announced comfort with the federal plan as it is largely synchronous with the Albertan green plan announced earlier this year. Hold the phone. For all their reputation, Alberta had a green plan before the Feds? Needless to say, the Albertan plan, just like the Fed plan, has been judged to only be all small part of what is necessary.


Well, at least now we have God on our side.
xoxo
-Matt

Iran away! and environment news!

Iranian President Ahmadinejad reports progress and confidence in Iran's nuclear program. He is so confident Ahmadinejad reported the aforementioned progress and confidence in Iran's nuclear program in Natanz, the region where Iran's enrichment facilities are located, to an audience of 'green' Iranians.
Iran is currently engaged in a standoff with the UN Security Council, a characteristically bold move by Ahmadinejad (read: ploy to attract anti-West public support to his weak government). Iran has insisted, seriously guys, that the nuclear program is meant to establish an alternative to fossil fuel energy and that Iran has the right to blow itself and its neighbours up just like anybody else! After all, considering how much it relies on imported oil (from Iran), Iran should seriously be looking into alternative fuels.

In other energy news: the only good battery is a recycled battery! Selon, Environment Canada (that amazing armless government agency that constantly arm-wrestles with the brawny Dept. of Natural Resources) landfill-bound batteries are bad-eries. They leach lead and mercury and toxins, OHMY! More to come on, y'know, action as the interdepartmental tug-of-war continues.

Returning to a more glowing story of progress: THE MANATEE HAS BEEN SAVED. LE LAMANTIN EST SAUVEE! The great cow queen of the sea is being taken off the endangered species list! That's what its about, not enough butt-ugly animals are being saved. It's nice to see that while seals unfairly get all the attention, manatees could catch some of the after-glow. Now someone start saving the thousands of species of bugs from clear-cutting...no? Bugs don't sell? What if they can be trained to disarm Nuclear-Mahmoud?



xoxo
-Matt

The Centre Cannot Hold!

Scarberians are alienated from Toronto! (Along with the rest of Canada...)

Danny Williams (Nfld. premier) attacks Harper in the GAM!

Mario Dumont is half-cuddly referendum preventer, half-automaton!

Worst of all : the Rheostatics say farewell!

Lauren, you may have to cover for me while I'm cowering in the chaos of it all...

xoxo
-Matt