Kyoto vs. Cheddar - Political Pet Showdown

Inspired in part by CalgaryGrit's open call for summer competition suggestions and a well-placed e-mail, I have decided to tackle the question on all Canadians' minds as they fire up the grill: Who would win? Stéphane Dion's dog Kyoto or Stephen Harper's cat, Cheddar?

First let's meet the competitors:


Kyoto: After the Liberals were sacked in 2006, Dion adopted the white husky and named it after the Kyoto Protocol. Kyoto is an instinctual killer who's bound only to his master by the subversion of his pack-instincts through domestication. The dog received much buzz once Dion won the Liberal leadership, with some arguing that the dog had acquired a greater profile than his master. Kyoto also maintains his own blog with a tendency to echo Conservative talking points in both English and French, including bashing France (in both English and French). I find this curious.


Cheddar: It is unclear whether Cheddar is named after a town, a cheese, or an international treaty. What is known about Cheddar's checkered (marbled?, ed.) past, is that this cat walked the hard streets of Ottawa from its first day breaking out of Momma Cheddar's litter. Those dark, cold nights taught Cheddar the hard ways of canal-hopping, picking at discarded Beaver Tails, hustling tourists and paying up to always-collectin' civil servants. Cheddar was adopted into the Harper household once former cat, Cabot, died of excitement of moving from Stornaway to 24 Sussex. He is Laureen Harper's lovemuffin.

THE FIGHT
Cheddar comes out of the gate swinging...er, scratching. Kyoto is marching purposefully -- in circles? Cheddar lands a first scratch: 'Your master is not a leader!'. The judges award points. Kyoto lifts its head: 'Your master is a liar!', but Cheddar is too low to the ground and scampers under Kyoto's belly. Cheddar then avoids Kyoto until the judges insist he do something, dodging left and right expertly.
'Your master is out of touch with Canadians.'
'No, your master is out of touch with Canadians!'
'You're a prop meant to humanize your master for the voting public!'
'No, you're a prop meant to humanize your master for the voting public!'

Hours later...

'You were adopted to overcome your master's tragic loss'
'No, you were adopted to overcome your master's tragic loss'
With this, Cheddar scampers under Kyoto. And then, just before he's about to give Kyoto a lesson from the Bob Barker school in pet-care -- ROBOMANATEENo matter what, Robo-Manatee wins. Kyoto and Cheddar are off to meet Pat the Posthumous Policy Pooch, Mackenzie King's ol'friend.

For more on political pets go here.

Aircraft-Carrier vs. Mahmoud

Dick Cheney is making promises to personally send people to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons and an upper hand in the Middle East. It is easy to see why the US doesn't want Nuclear-Mahmoud to go nuclear. However, his skillz just aren't where the game's at.

Threats? Dramatic posing on an aircraft carrier? Are you trying to show Mahmoud "Hey, I'm a vastly technologically and military preponderant superpower" when you really mean to say "I care". I thought so, Mr Vice-President.

This is precisely what our good friend the nuclear powered Robo-Manatee is for. Not only does it shoot lasers out of its eyes (bound to inspire love and respect from any world leader) but it is also a master of etiquette and protocol. Like C-3P0 but less of a pansy. Yes, Dick, we both know last thing America is is a pansy. I urge you, deploy Stan the Robo-Manatee to solve your diplomatic troubles. He mixes some fierce drinks and is excellent in all kinds of date configurations (double, harem, secret service, "with my fist").

Mr Cheney go with the 'Tee, Robo-Manatee that is.
****
Update: If you see any nukes, uh...lying around. Er...If you see any nukes lying around, y'know don't panic and maybe...check out the information here. (ahhhhhh)

Robo-Manatee: Update!

Iran away! and environment news!

Iranian President Ahmadinejad reports progress and confidence in Iran's nuclear program. He is so confident Ahmadinejad reported the aforementioned progress and confidence in Iran's nuclear program in Natanz, the region where Iran's enrichment facilities are located, to an audience of 'green' Iranians.
Iran is currently engaged in a standoff with the UN Security Council, a characteristically bold move by Ahmadinejad (read: ploy to attract anti-West public support to his weak government). Iran has insisted, seriously guys, that the nuclear program is meant to establish an alternative to fossil fuel energy and that Iran has the right to blow itself and its neighbours up just like anybody else! After all, considering how much it relies on imported oil (from Iran), Iran should seriously be looking into alternative fuels.

In other energy news: the only good battery is a recycled battery! Selon, Environment Canada (that amazing armless government agency that constantly arm-wrestles with the brawny Dept. of Natural Resources) landfill-bound batteries are bad-eries. They leach lead and mercury and toxins, OHMY! More to come on, y'know, action as the interdepartmental tug-of-war continues.

Returning to a more glowing story of progress: THE MANATEE HAS BEEN SAVED. LE LAMANTIN EST SAUVEE! The great cow queen of the sea is being taken off the endangered species list! That's what its about, not enough butt-ugly animals are being saved. It's nice to see that while seals unfairly get all the attention, manatees could catch some of the after-glow. Now someone start saving the thousands of species of bugs from clear-cutting...no? Bugs don't sell? What if they can be trained to disarm Nuclear-Mahmoud?



xoxo
-Matt