Kyoto vs. Cheddar - Political Pet Showdown

Inspired in part by CalgaryGrit's open call for summer competition suggestions and a well-placed e-mail, I have decided to tackle the question on all Canadians' minds as they fire up the grill: Who would win? Stéphane Dion's dog Kyoto or Stephen Harper's cat, Cheddar?

First let's meet the competitors:


Kyoto: After the Liberals were sacked in 2006, Dion adopted the white husky and named it after the Kyoto Protocol. Kyoto is an instinctual killer who's bound only to his master by the subversion of his pack-instincts through domestication. The dog received much buzz once Dion won the Liberal leadership, with some arguing that the dog had acquired a greater profile than his master. Kyoto also maintains his own blog with a tendency to echo Conservative talking points in both English and French, including bashing France (in both English and French). I find this curious.


Cheddar: It is unclear whether Cheddar is named after a town, a cheese, or an international treaty. What is known about Cheddar's checkered (marbled?, ed.) past, is that this cat walked the hard streets of Ottawa from its first day breaking out of Momma Cheddar's litter. Those dark, cold nights taught Cheddar the hard ways of canal-hopping, picking at discarded Beaver Tails, hustling tourists and paying up to always-collectin' civil servants. Cheddar was adopted into the Harper household once former cat, Cabot, died of excitement of moving from Stornaway to 24 Sussex. He is Laureen Harper's lovemuffin.

THE FIGHT
Cheddar comes out of the gate swinging...er, scratching. Kyoto is marching purposefully -- in circles? Cheddar lands a first scratch: 'Your master is not a leader!'. The judges award points. Kyoto lifts its head: 'Your master is a liar!', but Cheddar is too low to the ground and scampers under Kyoto's belly. Cheddar then avoids Kyoto until the judges insist he do something, dodging left and right expertly.
'Your master is out of touch with Canadians.'
'No, your master is out of touch with Canadians!'
'You're a prop meant to humanize your master for the voting public!'
'No, you're a prop meant to humanize your master for the voting public!'

Hours later...

'You were adopted to overcome your master's tragic loss'
'No, you were adopted to overcome your master's tragic loss'
With this, Cheddar scampers under Kyoto. And then, just before he's about to give Kyoto a lesson from the Bob Barker school in pet-care -- ROBOMANATEENo matter what, Robo-Manatee wins. Kyoto and Cheddar are off to meet Pat the Posthumous Policy Pooch, Mackenzie King's ol'friend.

For more on political pets go here.

It's 'Onley' On Top

STEPHEN HARPER has appointed Ontario's new Lieutenant-Governor David Onley. To be clear, the Prime Minister appoints all Lieutenant-Governors and will appoint the next Governor-General, not Dalton McGuinty or Queen Elizabeth II. The former CityTV anchor is being heralded for 'integrity' and 'honesty'. I thought what was most important was having a nice smile. Harper has also recently appointed the new Québec Lieutenant-Governor.

Of course, this announcement has received no fanfare, and brings about the all-important questions: 'who was the last Lieutenant-Governor of Ontario?' and 'what's a Lieutenant-Governor?' or, my personally favourite, 'why is it Leff-tenant?'

1. The Hon James K Bartleman
2. Representative of the Monarchy (Queen of Canada Elizabeth II) who gives royal assent to provincial laws, occasional adviser to the premier, promoter of charitable causes.
3. Because it's Canada, rather than taking the French pronunciation, English Canada insists on the British pronunciation. Yes, that does mean the Americans pronounce it the French way because of French involvement in the American War of Independence. No, they did not realize it during the Freedom Fries debacle - if they had it would be rightenant.

Note: One GAM commenter noted that Onley has combatted a physical disability this, like being from Haiti for G-G Micheale Jean, makes him a minority. Said commenter also laments that these 'minorities' keep getting appointed instead of the 'common people'. The commenter noted Onley's physical disability from when he had polio as a child as something that singled him out from us 'common people', not his religious beliefs (Born Again) or that he is a white male. I hope he doesn't find out about this:

In awkward headlines, the GAM gives us this gem: ONTARIO TO SEND HUNDREDS OF AUTISTIC CHILDREN TO CAMP - it's not as bad as it sounds. Though I've also seen it with 'Dalton' replacing 'Ontario'.

Finally, a Vancouver Barbecue NOT Cancelled Due to Rain

The Globe and Mail reported this morning that what would be the 25th annual British Columbia Conservatives Barbecue (or the BCCB) was cancelled due to the unavailability of our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper.

Though the PM is really too busy to make the event, other obstacles rose to challenge the annual event. Due to the Federal Accountability Act, corporate sponsors can no longer foot the bill of the popular barbecue, raising the need for more private donor dollars. And, of course, there is always the threat of heavy rainfall with a slight chance of tree-hugging British Columbians.

Senator Gerry St. Germain, the organizer of the event, seemed disheartened by the news. Citing that the barbecue has "historically... gone, pretty well, every year," the Senator even stated that he would front some of his own money for the event, a move that he has done in the past. And they say the Conservative Party isn't generous!

St. Germain isn't the only disappointed Tory in the west of the west. Dona Cadman, the widow of Surrey North MP Chuck Cadman, "will miss the barbecue," the Globe reports, stating that "You got to see the Prime Minister in a different light."

I suppose grilled as opposed to roasted puppy does lighten the mood.

Harper Trusted as Much as the Canadian Tire Guy

An Ipsos-Reid Poll found that Stephen Harper is trusted as much (less but within the margin of error) as the run-of-the-mill hardware store employee for advice on how to pursue eco-friendly renovations in the home. It might be because his idea of getting consensus on environmental legislation is dispatching John "ARGH" Baird to alienate stakeholders (well, as is often noted, not...all stakeholders). This is after all of his attempts to appeal to the Tim Horton's set...which does overlap with the reno set. Don't pretend. The poll also examines what Canadians are doing with global warming in mind (with little help from government tax-credits, etc.).

Don't get on that plane!

After watching a few too many Lou Dobbs specials on how porous the USA-Canada border is the New Canadian government has decided to take action. Not only have we had legislation put forward to arm border-guards and make it easier to get a passport (isn't that counter-intuitive?), no we have a no-fly list. I personally love lists. I know of many people who love lists. David Letterman, McSweeney's readers (Lauren), Warren Kinsella, heck I'm pretty psyched about a good list every once in a while. Especially funny lists. It looks like the new no-fly list is going to be no expception. It's going to be har-har-hilarious, especially if you (like Conservative MPs Michelle Cook or John Williams - hey didn't that guy write the Star Wars theme?) are unfairly kept from flying. "What!? I won't be able to make it to Christmas with the in-laws in 'Toon-town(Saskatoon)?"

Jack Layton, NDP leader and crystal ball owner, predicts: “They're essentially forcing a citizen to correct the record if they've been mistakenly placed there and that can come after some considerable inconvenience and embarrassment and maybe worse.” After having been labelled Taliban Jack by Tory pundits, he would never wish that on Michelle Cook-ing Up Some TNT or Al-Qaeda John Williams.

Other critics are harsher. They call the no-fly list a charade, unlikely to be effective and likely inconvenient to many. One critic, Barry Prentice, the director of the Transport Institute at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, has a novel idea. Make the list the size of a hockey team...and call them "The Winnipeg Jets". They can play for the right to get on a plane. If they win the Cup, they can take-off. Hey, something'll work eventually...

***Correction: Michelle Cook and John Williams were not kept from flying, the no-fly list had not yet taken effect and they were warned they would have to clear their names. At least, that's what Mike Duffy told me.

I'll see you in court, says...Calvert?

For those of you confused by this whole equalization mess, you're not alone. Stephen Harper recently admitted: "Mr. Speaker, I don't even understand what they are saying anymore." You and me both. So, first we had the the Atlantic Accord which began with a certain big-chinned law-bringer named Brian Mulroney. This excluded offshore resource revenues from equalization and included them in the revenue of the provincial revenues of Newfoundland(andLabrador) and Nova Scotia. Then in 2005, Paul Martin renewed this whole thing, which you may or may not remember involved some flag-pole-dancing by Danny Williams.

The issue thus far: Premier Williams (PC Party-NL) embarked on a campaign not only against Stephen Harper's budget (ads in the GAM at the beginning of summer) but also against Harper himself. He says Harper broke his promise. Jim Flaherty (CPC -Ontario, former Harris cabinet minister) said "Na-uh". Then Bill Casey (CPC -NS) said "Ya-uh" and Premier Rodney McDonald (PC - NS) also said that because he spent his equalization money on debt-reduction...already. Now Bill Casey (CPC -NS) is Bill Casey (I - NS). The budget is in the Senate, senators (not Senators) are being asked to stall (which will not gain them any love from Harper).

You may be wondering: how does Saskatchewan and Premier Lorne Calvert (NDP) fit into all of this? Well, as neither an Atlantic province nor a province with any offshore resource revenues (you may remember, Saskatchewan is the completely landlocked rectangle one on your Map of Canada). Well, he says Harper broke a promise to him, his province and the people of the Atlantic provinces over included non-renewable resource revenues in equalization. Flaherty says the new equalization formula is even better for Saskatchewan. Calvert says "Tell it to the mice!"

You may be wondering: well why aren't we being told more about what the budget actually does? Well see, that would be the case if Harper had an effective communication strategy. Evidence right now points to he doesn't. When Williams attacked him, he said "Whatcho talkin' bout, I'm all bouts the Atlantic Accord like I said befo'" Quoth from the Harper quoth in Andrew Coyne's column (that gets through some crap, and avoids car metaphor-mangling):

Why should Newfoundland's possibility of achieving levels of prosperity comparable to the rest of Canada be limited to an artificial eight year period? … Why is the government so eager to ensure that Newfoundland and Labrador always remain below the economic level of Ontario? The Ontario clause is unfair and insulting to the people of Newfoundland and Labrador, and its message to that province, to Nova Scotia and to all of Atlantic Canada is absolutely clear. They can only get what they were promised if they agree to remain have not provinces forever.

How will this play out...probably a lot like the Sopranos finale...

Parliament Gone Gab-Mad

Prime Minister Harper decided today was a good day to put on his dancing shoes and do the defelct-criticism two-step. In what must be admired in terms of Parlimentary back-and-forth as being at least a Category 4 bitchstorm, three of the most prominent members of the House got all tangled up.

It starts with Opposition Leader Stéphane Dion: "The Minister of Defence must step down!"

To which Harper responds: "You never served in the Armed Forces so I don't have to listen to you."

Opposition Deputy Leader Michael Ignatieff counters: "You know, I was just looking over your commendable military records in caucus last week. I think I have them here...let me just," *motions getting folder, opening invisible folder* "Oh yea: you don't have any."

Harper: At least I lived in this country for the last thirty year. Tax-dodger.

Ignatieff: Ohno you didn't.

Harper: Ohyes I did.

That's right there was a Canadianess-off in the House of Commons today. Not only that, but Stephen Harper tried to rebuke all criticism of the Afghanistan mission. This is, of course, remarkably consistent if you look at how:
-civilians (that is non-military folks) put the troops on the ground, and therefore should not say anything about what happens thenceforth
-and, how Harper only listens to the most expert folks. Like the non-French-speaking Francophonie Minister way back, or listening to environmentalists on the environment.

If you haven't join the CPAC facebook group! Don't you see what you're missing?

(By the way, winner of the Canadianess-off Dr Ruby Dhalla, quelle surprise?)

In Communist China, Priorities Make you

Four hours and 64 years after getting shot in the head, doctors removed the bullet from Jin Guangying, 77. She was shot when by partisans (presumably by accident) during the Japanese invasion of China in World War II. In the immediate aftermath she survived thanks to her mother's care ("homecare") though the bullet went unnoticed. Except for, you know, periodic headaches and recent airport security checks.

It would seem that had this happened in Canada it would have taken at least 65 years. Especially, considering the rate at which Stephen Harper has been getting through his Five Priorities. Let's take a gander, why don't we?

-Federal Accountability Act, rammed through by John "ARGH" Baird. Parliamentary pages rejoice at new laws made just for you!
-The Environment, oh, that wasn't there before. Rather, a massive shift in public opinion made it a priority. Legislation: pending, being rammed through by John Baird...
-Make our streets and communities safer, John Baird can only be in so many places at once!
-Write a book about the history of hockey...it's become more of scrapbook of him dropping pucks for the troops. How about the Sens? Can he say he did the Sens?
-Oh, there it is...Health Care Wait Times, pretty much the perennial number one for Canadians. Still no movement. How soon will the provinces be getting together with Harper to sort that one out? Anyone? Danny Williams? Well thankfully he followed through on cutting the GST. Those Lauriers make great gauze!

Go, Parliamentary Bickering, Go!

Opposition parties are demanding the Conservatives release their 'Playbook of Parliamentary Hiijinks: Not for Opposition MPs Naanananaana'. The 'Playbook' is a breezy 200 pages and was first reported on in the National Post. While preparing a sweet spitball, Government House Leader Peter Van Loan insisted that his party wants "to work together with all parties in the House". Then he shot the spitball and Liberal Baird-doppleganger Mark Holland.

Admittedly, the last few months of government have seen an escalation in bickering (enough to leave old Mike Duffy flabbergasted). Personal insults about mental proficiency, though not new to the House, have become increasingly common. Such insults included a dangerous game of "Prescribe Psychiatric Medication with no Qualifications" by one Conservative MP. This is, of course, the reason CPAC was invented, people.

The Conservatives have instead chosen to focus on issues of clear moral salience, like foreign strippers. Now, if I may, I suggest that being able to get strippers from every corner of the land is part of what makes this land so great. A veritable booty-mosaic, if you will. Harper is going up against the unstoppable market forces of free trade. Canadians demand booty, and strippers who supply it in surplus at home come to Canada to meet demand. Now strippers from Club Super-Sex in Montreal will be forced to meet demand across the country. But then, in a move out of the 'Playbook', the appeals programme of the Official Languages Committee has been undone. How will Marie-Claire send 'Ti-Jacques to the underfunded French-language school that is his right in Alberta/Saskatchewan/Manitoba?

You know what? No one should be giving anybody any books about how to be ineffective in Ottawa nowadays. Maybe they've all gone Cup Crazy TM.

Gordon O'Connor Also Buys Future Shop's Lifetime Warranties

In what can only be described as an error of omission, Gordon O'Connor announced today that the actual cost of supplying new (used German and Dutch -- Dutch?!) Leopard 2A6Mv tanks for Canadian troops in Afghanistan is double the initial cost reported to Parliament. Apparently, his thumb was covering the service cost contract for the next 20 years when he was last speaking to the issue. Well, glad he got back to us when he did..after all, it only doubled the cost from $650 million to $1.3 billion.

No biggie, right? Water under the bridge. I mean it's not like a government has ever been turfed for not being forthright about spending from the public purse. I hope the leopard print is nice...

Loose Lips Render Ships Leaky (therefore less buoyant and more likely to sink)

It's hard being the New Government of Canada, it's like being the really, really hot girl. All the guys are flocking around you trying to figure out who you might like, what you like in your overly elaborate corsage, etc. Really all they seek is validation, but all you want is to throw off the shackles that are your pompoms and be free on the road, running off with the...Ahem. OK it's nothing like being the hot girl.

I digress. Let's take the two cases compared by the GAM this morning as I sipped my coffee.
Case 1: the gentleman who leaked the Tories revised environment plan. Jeffrey Monaghan is an avowed anarchist who recently participated in opening an anarchist book store. I like those I hear they're payment optional. Wait-a-sec. Mr. 'A'-in-a-Circle, if you ... and you're working for the government. Isn't it kind of like Lenin working at McDonald's? So Jeffr-'A' (surnames are the shackles of my ancestors)'s actions aren't unexpected. Kudos to the government on a backgrounder on this guy. Now this gentleman is facing prison time....in itself that's kind of ironic for an anarchist. Anyway he's complaining.
Case 2: the gentleman who leaked Senatorial overspending on a trip to Dubai. Jeffrey Kroeker has a surname that often leads to him being confused with Nickelback on the guest-list. More importantly he is now a senior Tory Cabinet aide working under the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. Why the hell would there be such a drastically different outcome. It definitely has nothing to do with the odd synchronization of a government bent on reforming the Senate and damning evidence of a lack of Senatorial accountability. No, that could hardly be the case.

The moral of this story? Never trust ANYone named "Jeffrey", "Geoffrey" or "Geo/Jeff". Especially not the Toys'R'Us monstrosity, or the rascally kid from Family Circus.

3 Reasons for Sunday voting

In an effort to increase the effectiveness of the Tory Vote Mobilizing Machine for the next elections, The Tories are trying to extend elections to two days (Sunday noon-8PM [8:30 Newfoundland] and Election Monday) to increase voter turn out. They've also extended the election hours to just after church services are finished. So after getting pumped up on Jesus, the West Edmonton Christian Assembly can go straight to the polls!

Or, how about this one? OK. In an effort to debilitate former Canadian Alliance leader (Air Farce one-liner) and current Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day's faintest hopes of attaining the PMO, voting starts on Sunday. Everyone remembers that Stephen refused to campaign on Sundays for church/family time. CONJECTURE: Stockwell is making Martinian/ Gordon-Brownian/ Duceppian moves to pull the Conservatives from under Stephen Harper's feet. Just a suggestion, if I ever heard a peep from the Conservative caucus.

Or, Harper is just trying to boost voter turn out through a back-flank attack on the Lord's Day.

Pope says 'Yes' to Harper's Green Plan

In a strange confluence of events, the Tory green plan has been met not only with Papal assent (er...recognition that the faithful must respond to climate change) but also, much more difficult to procure, Albertan assent.

If you think of the timing of the announcement, it's not too bad: the Conservatives managed to be one whole day ahead of the Catholic Church's response to climate change. I mean I knew Canada's New-Car-Smell Government lessthanthrees priorities and rapid responses, but it barely eked out the Roman Catholic Church. If the Catholic Church has represented anything in the past 2000 years it has been slow, slow, slow acceptance of new ideas (as in only accepting them when they become old ideas, if at all).

In terms of Alberta, 'Steady Eddy' Ed Stelmach has announced comfort with the federal plan as it is largely synchronous with the Albertan green plan announced earlier this year. Hold the phone. For all their reputation, Alberta had a green plan before the Feds? Needless to say, the Albertan plan, just like the Fed plan, has been judged to only be all small part of what is necessary.


Well, at least now we have God on our side.
xoxo
-Matt

CSIS Thesis: Rewrite

The Globe and Mail reports that Harper's original proposal for a new Canadian foreign intelligence gathering agency have fizzled. Related officials and experts have been generally tight-lipped on the whole affair.

Seriously. I quote the GAM:

But she [Ms. Bloodworth, expert spy expert] would not disclose whether she favoured a new agency, saying her advice is only for Mr. Harper's ears. Officials are hesitant to discuss it publicly,...

I told you so.

xoxo
-Matt