Rabies is all 'la rage'

After my recent illness (I'm eating solids!), it's good to know there will be something new for hypochondriac Canucks to worry about: RABIES! or is it is known in French 'la rage'. It would seem there is an outbreak of rabies among the raccoon and forest critter population on the Québec-Vermont border. Thankfully something good has come out of this, I learned the word 'épizootie'. Epizooty, as is the English equivalent's appellation, is an outbreak of disease among a certain species of animals. Now back to causing a sensationalist worry to frighten all the hypochondriacs back under their beds! If the rabies epizooty were to make it to Montreal, the city's wooded Mont Royal park would become a hotbed of raccoon disease! Somebody tell Bert! THE RABID 'COONS ARE COMING!
ANYONE WEARING A COONSKIN IS A RABID-COONZOMBIE!

In other Québec enviro-news, there is a serious blue-green algae problem that's a-stirring. It has caused a ban on swimming in the Saguenay region. You do not want blue-green algae in your itsybitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini. Though I'm sure you look great in it.

An Inconvenient Bust

So what I've been saying is true, readers: Environmentalism is the first step on a long, hard road of drug abuse.

The Globe reported this morning that Al Gore, Mother Earth's Golden-boy, let his not-so-golden boy out on a pot-smoking, pill-popping, Prius-speeding rampage just south of Los Angeles. His son, Al Gore III, was charged Wednesday for drug possession after being stopped in said Prius.

A search of the hybrid found "a small amount of marijuana, along with prescription drugs including Valium, Xanax, Vicodin and Adderall." Al, if you wanted to show the public that you can still have fun in a Prius, I'm sure there's a better way to do it than this.

What I really love about this story is the Globe's constant reference to the fact that Al III was driving a Prius as opposed to a normal car:

"...he was stopped for allegedly speeding in his hybrid Toyota Prius..."
"Al Gore III... was driving his environmentally friendly car at about 160 kilometres per hour..."
Even the story's headline - "Al Gore's son arrested for drugs, speeding in hybrid" - is good for a laugh.

Al Gore III was booked (sucka!) into Santa Ana's Inmate Reception Center on $20,000 bail. He even (gasp!) had to share a holding cell with an unknown number of inmates. Though the counting ability of Reuters network staff cannot be certain, one thing was made very clear: "There are no special privileges," said Orange County Sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino.

Tell that to Paris, Jim.

Harper Trusted as Much as the Canadian Tire Guy

An Ipsos-Reid Poll found that Stephen Harper is trusted as much (less but within the margin of error) as the run-of-the-mill hardware store employee for advice on how to pursue eco-friendly renovations in the home. It might be because his idea of getting consensus on environmental legislation is dispatching John "ARGH" Baird to alienate stakeholders (well, as is often noted, not...all stakeholders). This is after all of his attempts to appeal to the Tim Horton's set...which does overlap with the reno set. Don't pretend. The poll also examines what Canadians are doing with global warming in mind (with little help from government tax-credits, etc.).

Parliament Gone Gab-Mad

Prime Minister Harper decided today was a good day to put on his dancing shoes and do the defelct-criticism two-step. In what must be admired in terms of Parlimentary back-and-forth as being at least a Category 4 bitchstorm, three of the most prominent members of the House got all tangled up.

It starts with Opposition Leader Stéphane Dion: "The Minister of Defence must step down!"

To which Harper responds: "You never served in the Armed Forces so I don't have to listen to you."

Opposition Deputy Leader Michael Ignatieff counters: "You know, I was just looking over your commendable military records in caucus last week. I think I have them here...let me just," *motions getting folder, opening invisible folder* "Oh yea: you don't have any."

Harper: At least I lived in this country for the last thirty year. Tax-dodger.

Ignatieff: Ohno you didn't.

Harper: Ohyes I did.

That's right there was a Canadianess-off in the House of Commons today. Not only that, but Stephen Harper tried to rebuke all criticism of the Afghanistan mission. This is, of course, remarkably consistent if you look at how:
-civilians (that is non-military folks) put the troops on the ground, and therefore should not say anything about what happens thenceforth
-and, how Harper only listens to the most expert folks. Like the non-French-speaking Francophonie Minister way back, or listening to environmentalists on the environment.

If you haven't join the CPAC facebook group! Don't you see what you're missing?

(By the way, winner of the Canadianess-off Dr Ruby Dhalla, quelle surprise?)

The Baird's Tale

I have to admit, readers, I did get a little excited after all Matt's talk about Environment Minister John Baird's "ramming" escapades.

Today, the Globe reported that Baird may be getting "counter-rammed," so to speak.

This morning, tree-hugging hippie super-group Friends of the Earth Canada filed a lawsuit against the government, alleging that because they haven't been regulating greenhouse gases as well as they have, say, foreign strippers, they could be violating not only the UN convention on climate change but (gasp!) the Canadian Environmental Protection Act.

To put it plainly, it's on.

Later today, critics of the government's plan, called "Turning the Corner" (a name which won out, incidentally, over "Let's Assrape the Wetlands" and Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day's suggestion, "Boo Environment") say that it lacks specific detail on implementation, and contains many loopholes that may impair its effectiveness.

Baird was also subjected to heavy questioning concerning the upcoming G8 Summit - more specifically, whether he was going to side with Germany's "Let's kick some greenhouse gas ass" policy, or the United States' "No targets, no timeframes, no mercy" plan.

Baird said of Canada's involvement: "We'll be going to work cooperatively with all members of the G8."

Albeit, he did do so waving the Stars and Stripes and mouthing, "Love you, George."

I don't know what David Suzuki was on about. Old Johnny's not letting us down a pinch!

Victoria Day/Journée Des Patriotes

Happy May Two-Four long weekend!

Some of you may have heard of the recent C40 Cities conference on climate change. As a patchwork of legislation blankets, the world (think of it as a hemp quilt) due to the inaction of national governments, C40 cities are aiming at a "Zerofootprint". Toronto would be one of these eager cities, partly due to its desperate effort to attain "world-class" status.

Anyway, to all the GTAers (and TAists who have come by these netherparts) we present our recommendation for having a greener summer. While everyone definitely wants to get out, get away, they wanna go, they wanna fly away (damn you, Lenny Kravtiz and your infectious cover of American Woman from way back), here at MALITM: BAN we recommend a more environmentally-friendly destination: Markham, Ontario.

Think about it. David Miller's on your ass about your carbon emissions and the gas-man wants you to pay his exorbitant gas-prices, come to Markham, Canada's Hi-Tech Capital! Close enough to take the GO train (heck even the TTC'll take you there) for Torontonians, Markham has so much to offer!

Are you a visible minority? So is 56%* of Markham, but don't worry if you're not!
Do you enjoy overly complicated border disputes? Step into the Great Thornhill Debate! Is it in Vaughan or Markham? By the end of this discussion you'll feel like you're in a very dispassionate part of Cyprus!
Are you a recent immigrant to Canada who is underemployed? Throw your resumé into the pile at Motorola, Genesis Microchip, IBM, or ATI (recently merged with AMD)!
Do you own an iPod? Apple computers has some kind of operation in Markham, you can drive by and take a picture with the Apple logo!

Markham so much to offer, just check out this aerial shot:WOW.
*All facts, photos are courtesy Wikipedia, and are therefore not worth their salt. We love you Markham!

The Solution to Global Warming

So it turns out the earlier post about global warming is moot. Pay no attention to ... well, the Catholic Church's new acceptance of the issue, the Harper government's 'plan' or Ed Stelmach. Um, if you actually were paying attention, that is.

Fear not! The Solution and Real Cause TM have been found by an intrepid Arkansian/Arkansasian/Arkansasite with a thirst for scientific inquiry. The recent bout of record temperatures this March have a clear cause:

This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know, Daylight Saving Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they?

DID THEY? DID THEY??!

Courtesy El Reg.

(Disclaimer: The original clipping was produced in the spirit of parody. A fine art. A fine art, that I should be warned about at the beginning of any related news article or by conspicuously small print at the end.)

Pope says 'Yes' to Harper's Green Plan

In a strange confluence of events, the Tory green plan has been met not only with Papal assent (er...recognition that the faithful must respond to climate change) but also, much more difficult to procure, Albertan assent.

If you think of the timing of the announcement, it's not too bad: the Conservatives managed to be one whole day ahead of the Catholic Church's response to climate change. I mean I knew Canada's New-Car-Smell Government lessthanthrees priorities and rapid responses, but it barely eked out the Roman Catholic Church. If the Catholic Church has represented anything in the past 2000 years it has been slow, slow, slow acceptance of new ideas (as in only accepting them when they become old ideas, if at all).

In terms of Alberta, 'Steady Eddy' Ed Stelmach has announced comfort with the federal plan as it is largely synchronous with the Albertan green plan announced earlier this year. Hold the phone. For all their reputation, Alberta had a green plan before the Feds? Needless to say, the Albertan plan, just like the Fed plan, has been judged to only be all small part of what is necessary.


Well, at least now we have God on our side.
xoxo
-Matt

Iran away! and environment news!

Iranian President Ahmadinejad reports progress and confidence in Iran's nuclear program. He is so confident Ahmadinejad reported the aforementioned progress and confidence in Iran's nuclear program in Natanz, the region where Iran's enrichment facilities are located, to an audience of 'green' Iranians.
Iran is currently engaged in a standoff with the UN Security Council, a characteristically bold move by Ahmadinejad (read: ploy to attract anti-West public support to his weak government). Iran has insisted, seriously guys, that the nuclear program is meant to establish an alternative to fossil fuel energy and that Iran has the right to blow itself and its neighbours up just like anybody else! After all, considering how much it relies on imported oil (from Iran), Iran should seriously be looking into alternative fuels.

In other energy news: the only good battery is a recycled battery! Selon, Environment Canada (that amazing armless government agency that constantly arm-wrestles with the brawny Dept. of Natural Resources) landfill-bound batteries are bad-eries. They leach lead and mercury and toxins, OHMY! More to come on, y'know, action as the interdepartmental tug-of-war continues.

Returning to a more glowing story of progress: THE MANATEE HAS BEEN SAVED. LE LAMANTIN EST SAUVEE! The great cow queen of the sea is being taken off the endangered species list! That's what its about, not enough butt-ugly animals are being saved. It's nice to see that while seals unfairly get all the attention, manatees could catch some of the after-glow. Now someone start saving the thousands of species of bugs from clear-cutting...no? Bugs don't sell? What if they can be trained to disarm Nuclear-Mahmoud?



xoxo
-Matt