Happy Independence Day, amigos Americanos!

It's Independence Day for our friends in the United States. Not likely you needed me to tell you that if you're reading this. The Fourth of July is probably the single most reknowned national holiday in the world. That and Bastille Day. Although you're only allowed to celebrate one according to Bill O'Reilly.

For those who've been unconscious for the last few hours, here's what's up this Fourth of July:

-Illegal Immigrants and Legal Immigrants: As they arrive in torrents no one knows what to do about either of them. Reform the laws, 'amnesty' is an evil word, they steal jobs, we love to hire them, etc.
-Bush-Putin talk. Snazzy pictures are taken at Kennebunkport at what the EEEKonomist is calling the 'Lobster Summit', Bush and Putin were looking for some kind of agreement for nuclear armament related issues. I insist on the Robo-Manatee. Putin insists he'll shove it down your throat if you so much as look at the Czec Republic the wrong way..uh, and there will cooperation to take advantage of the pluses of nuclear energy.
-Soon, Americans will be buying and driving Chinese cars.
-Micheal Moore has a new movie.
-There were fireworks, cakes, flags and speeches. That's for those who've been about for longer.

More seriously, the United States remains the City on the Hill the world around. That's part of what makes it so gosh-darn fun to look on the shady side of the Hill. As much as we've obsessed in Canada since forever about our own identity, the prospects of absorption or separation, Americans have their own obsessions.

If you've read an editorial page in the last 15 years, you've been seeing a search for a new place in the world after the defeat of the Soviet Union. An obsession with being either too much like Weimar Germany (that's the Germany Hitler rose to power in legally) or the falling Roman Empire. Or being like the Galactic Republic. That one shows up less. Beyond naval-gazing there's the constant over the shoulder glances at China.

Oh, and the ol'Red, White and Booze.

Anyway, keep it up U-S-of-A, just don't point it at me.

xoxo
Canadian (singular)

Hillary and You (and I)

So Hillary Clinton's campaign song has been chosen. Her formidable campaign machine was shushed in favour of the dear public casting their vote for their favourite tune. She has chosen You and I by (in)famous songstress Celine Dion...who has mostly been disowned in her native Quebec/Canada, partially because of chest-thumping and her creepy husband. Admittedly you can see why Hillary Clinton wants to be associated with this song.

Or is it that this song was originally used in an Air Canada ad? So Hillary has chosen to associate herself with a bloated domestic Canadian carrier, that has very little love at home. It is derided both as a former Crown Corporation ("Damn pinko bastards!" I hear) and for the general surly-ness of current staff. That's what critics say though, I mean, supporters look to...well they have some carriers associated with nifty music Jazz and Tango.

So there you go, Hillary is saying I'm part of the left-wing vestiges, can be cranky but I dig funky music. Hillary '08.

Two Very Different Allies

If you've found this blog by any means other than mashing your keyboard with your paws, you've certainly heard the term War on Terror on a more than regular basis. Now this may remind you of the time you're dad stayed with you all night to make sure the boogeyman didn't come out from under the bed. Unfortunately, he didn't have flashy graphics or Wolf Blitzer for The Vigil Against Bed-Wettery. Of course, the principle protagonist in the War on Terror is the United States, but it has also assembled a team of allies. Numbered in this team is Canada, of course, but also some smaller states that may not be on our radar on a regular basis. Two of these countries are the Netherlands (is the the like the the in the Ukraine?) and Albania.

I mention Canada so singularly because, of course, MALIM: BAAN is based in Canada. Also, Canada is hosting Ally #1's Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende. A brief history of Canada's relationship with the Dutch. The Netherlands, as you may or may not know, is located precariously close to Germany - it was certainly the case in World War II. As was also the case with Holland, Canada had a significant role in the liberation of Netherlands from Nazi occupation. In return, we got a tulip festival, a lot of 65 year-old Dutch-Canadians, and a pretty friendly relationship. The Dutch are currently fighting alongside Canada's forces in Afghanistan and this is supposed to be a central topic of discussion when PMs collide this week.

Ally # 2, Albania and the United States were friendly after Albania became independent from Ottoman rule in 1928 under King Zog. This was mostly because of the awesome-ness of King Zog's name (no relation). However, years of Communist rule would silence their friendship as Albania was under the Soviet sphere of influence. The relationship was uneasy, Albania was the only country that maintained diplomatic relations with China after the Sino-Soviet split (thank you Margaret Macmillan's Nixon in China). After the fall of Soviet communism, Albania quickly embraced democracy and America, very tightly. The transition continues to be rough as Albanians flee the poor economic conditions of their homeland to work in more prosperous Europe. Albania is the only Muslim country with troops in Iraq (well, that has them disclosed and fighting alongside American troops), this all explains (for the curious) GWB's warm reception in Tirana. So, the US helps Albania throw of the Soviet yoke: in return Albania has allegedly become host to those sketchy no-rights zone prisons you hear about in the news sometimes, and (this is for helping China out in the '70s too) Albania is stuck with ex-Gitmo prisoners exiled from their (predominantly Muslim) home province in China.

I'll go with the tulips, thanks.

UPDATE**Tie Domi is Albanian-Canadian. Betcha didn't know that.

I Hope I've Remembered My Long (Term) Division...

Today's Top Stories on foxnews.com cry of impending doom for the United States. Just read for yourself!

Feds Hoped to Snag Bin Laden Expert in JFK Plot
U.S. Violent Crime Spiking
Cops: Ex-Council Temp High on Crack in Fair
Father-in-Law to Be Investigated in TB Case
Parents of Quarantined TB Patient 'In Hell'
Marine Who Wore Uniform at Anti-War Rally Has...
Fla. Woman Dragged to Death by Fleeing Minivan

For your convenience, readers, I have taken the liberty of skimming all of these (as I refuse to outright read FOX news) and have highlighted the positive ones in green, leaving the negative stories in red.

With the impending collapse of the United States clearly rearing its ugly head, I think the focus of the G8 summit, which conveniently starts on Wednesday, should not be the Environment or ending Global Poverty, but something important. That's right readers, our G8 leaders should be discussing how to effectively partition the defeated United States in the (increasingly) near future. Lucky for them, I've drafted a rough outline for them to reference when they proceed through these difficult talks.



First off, the G8 leaders aren't going to let the United States, their former superally, go completely hungry. Any states that are represented in green still belong to the United States, but will be occupied by a G8 coalition force. (The U.S. won't mind. Iraq certainly doesn't.) And, the best part is, they're still United! Well, except Vermont.

Next, Canada, which doesn't really need any extra land to manage, will become the proud owners of Alaska, which is pretty much ours anyways, Michigan, so that it officially contains all the Great Lakes, Maine, so that Newfoundland can take back more of what's rightfully theirs, and Philadelphia, because I want Sidney Crosbie back and this is the only way I can think of getting him.

Russia - which, like the U.S., has also suffered a loss of superpower status, and, like Canada, also doesn't need any extra land - gets Washington D.C. and a chance to play "oval office." And, to be fair, they get Washington State too.

France, which is likely to want nothing to do with the United States, gets Napa Valley, in California, to control a little bit more of the wine market. They get Louisiana, so that they can berate their Creole accents, Nevada, so they can tear down the lurid Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas, and New York State, because the snobs in New York city might just fit in.

Though everyone is still a little wary of Germany, they certainly aren't going to leave empty handed. Therefore, to Germany goes the twins, North and South Dakota. North Dakota features the city of Bismarck, a tribute to Germany's first Chancellor. And South Dakota could certainly use some of that German engineering after the destruction done to one of America's most beloved landmarks.



German icons (from right): philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, Otto von Bismarck, Ludwig von Beethoven, and Claudia Schiffer.

Italy, to deal with its aging population, gets the prime retiring state of Florida. Oh, and Sicily gets New Jersey, because the Sopranos is getting cancelled and I need that mafia drama.

The Japanese, like Russia, are getting a chance to feel better about being snubbed by the States in the past. To them goes Pearl Harbour, along with the rest of Hawai'i, and Oregon, where they can tear down the emotional remnants of interment camps and make dozens of kareoke bars, Hello Kitty factories, and whale-hunting boats... er, whale-research boats.

To the United Kingdom goes California (minus Napa Valley, which, if you're following, went to France), as it's time that they get the credit they deserve for their superb television (telly?) programs and mediocre film.




The Cockneys will probably get to the Hollywood sign before it's too late. Also, to Britain goes Texas. This is more of a social experiment on my part - I want to see if the Brits can get Texans to cart billyclubs instead of shotguns.

And while China isn't currently in the G8, it's only a manner of time. To them goes all unclaimed eastern coastal states, to secure the border. This may seem unfair, but they probably already own the ports anyhow.

There's no need to thank me, World Leaders. It's all in a day's work.

Also, I would like to humbly announce that Matt and I are officially over the hill. Huzzah 50!

Future Killer-Robot Pledges to Fight for Science

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dalton McGuinty have signed two memoranda of agreement between Cal-EE-FOR-nya and Ahn-ter-yo on the topics of stem cell research and climate change. Like his loin cloth wearing alter-ego, Arnie has chosen to wield a double-edge sword. This time, it's the sword of modern science. Like said alter-ego, he will use it to cut through any girly man that gets in his way! New super-heat resistant amphibious-Californians will be able to withstand the extreme temperature and flooding caused by the climate change, that Hollywood (/North) prevented by switching to compact fluorescents.

Arnold is definitely one to practice what he preaches. Look at the Terminator series, now that's a morality play I can get behind.

Next, Arnie at 24 Sussex and he is there to PUMP STEVIE UP.

Aircraft-Carrier vs. Mahmoud

Dick Cheney is making promises to personally send people to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons and an upper hand in the Middle East. It is easy to see why the US doesn't want Nuclear-Mahmoud to go nuclear. However, his skillz just aren't where the game's at.

Threats? Dramatic posing on an aircraft carrier? Are you trying to show Mahmoud "Hey, I'm a vastly technologically and military preponderant superpower" when you really mean to say "I care". I thought so, Mr Vice-President.

This is precisely what our good friend the nuclear powered Robo-Manatee is for. Not only does it shoot lasers out of its eyes (bound to inspire love and respect from any world leader) but it is also a master of etiquette and protocol. Like C-3P0 but less of a pansy. Yes, Dick, we both know last thing America is is a pansy. I urge you, deploy Stan the Robo-Manatee to solve your diplomatic troubles. He mixes some fierce drinks and is excellent in all kinds of date configurations (double, harem, secret service, "with my fist").

Mr Cheney go with the 'Tee, Robo-Manatee that is.
****
Update: If you see any nukes, uh...lying around. Er...If you see any nukes lying around, y'know don't panic and maybe...check out the information here. (ahhhhhh)

The Solution to Global Warming

So it turns out the earlier post about global warming is moot. Pay no attention to ... well, the Catholic Church's new acceptance of the issue, the Harper government's 'plan' or Ed Stelmach. Um, if you actually were paying attention, that is.

Fear not! The Solution and Real Cause TM have been found by an intrepid Arkansian/Arkansasian/Arkansasite with a thirst for scientific inquiry. The recent bout of record temperatures this March have a clear cause:

This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know, Daylight Saving Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they?

DID THEY? DID THEY??!

Courtesy El Reg.

(Disclaimer: The original clipping was produced in the spirit of parody. A fine art. A fine art, that I should be warned about at the beginning of any related news article or by conspicuously small print at the end.)

Become a Jedi Shipping & Mailing Master!

Unfortunately this is not happening in Canada. Or maybe fortunately my inner SW-geek has yet to decide. The United States Postal Service is releasing a series of Star Wars stamps. In an odd coincidence I was talking to some ladies (yes, they were ladies!) who were contemplating the joys of their youth in relation to both Jedismo and stamp-collecting.

Anyway it involves voting for the best stamp...or some kind of voting. My understanding is you don't even need to be an American to vote!

Exercise your franchise over the franchise!

xoxo
-Matt

P.S. Beware! Swooping tie-fighter and lightsaber sound effects!

San Francisco's "best-friends" may find new ban poses sticky situation.

Yesterday, four-legged San Franciscans and their owners found themselves hard-pressed to find a solution to their city's new plastic grocery bag ban.

City Officials believe that this move will spur on other conservation methods in the Californian peninsula. They are already claiming that the ban is an excellent step to redcuing greenhouse gas emissions, citing that the average 200 million bags they use contribute to about 4.2 million kilograms of carbon dioxide getting released into the air.

Though environmental groups and pinkos alike are lauding the plan, many of the town's inhabitants, dog-owners especially, are wondering what to do when their plastic-bag supplies run dry.

It is projected that San Francisco canines produce a whopping 4.2 million kilograms of excrement in a given year. An amount that, without the proper provisions, could be catastrophic for the City By the Bay.

"It's not that I don't want to help the environment," said Castro resident Mark Knobb as life partner Derek plays with their 3-year-old Boodle (that's bulldog-poodle), "But it's not like I'm going to pick up after Sassy here with resusable canvas totes - that's just ridiculous."

Ross Mikarimi, who introduced the ban in the city legislature, was available for comment but could only muster a slew of derogatory remarks, which this publication has tastefully chosen to omit.

Following suit on the ban is the small Manitoban town of Leaf Rapids, as is the copycat British Columbian region of Rossland. There is no word, however, on how their respective governments will deal with the inevitable dog problems, not to mention those whiny bastards at OPEC.