Dear readers (and soon-to-be listeners),
You've been sold a package of goods. After the relentless character assassination of by my co-host that occurred last week, I would not be surprised if you felt the urge to never read or listen to me again.
I implore you, do not follow this urge. It only helps Lauren's rapidly inflating ego (and gives her energy to sustain her resolution) and hurts you. For you are depriving yourself of my hilarity.
Lauren's dismissal of my Lenten resolution (fish isn't meat! ask the infallible Pope of Rome, who decreed it to be not-meat on numerous occasions) and judgment of my weakness in what can only be described as the tempting oasis that was M.C. Well, let her judge. BUT! I will only accept the judgment from my one true Judge: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's right, that's who.
It must also be noted, that Lauren is a non-red meat eating 'pseudo'-vegetarian 365 to 366 days a year. If you want to talk about a failed commitment I see no better example. If I were to have resolved to be a vegetarian by her standards I could eat all the chicken I want! Lord, I am weak and I want chicken! I WANT!
In a spirit of compassion, I offer her pillows as she walks through the day in an exhausted haze, while she dangles the corpses of various animals in front of my face.
My character is upstanding, my eyes are green, and I like long walks on the beach. Reserve your judgment for the show, reserve judging me for Him, and please (please) eat meat. Not a single calf, pig or roast (roast is an animal, right?) should survive due to my intransigent pesco-vegetarianism.
Not willing to take the low road, I will not say that Lauren is a liar OR a cheat. I will only subtly imply that Lauren is of somewhat less than savoury moral character. Lauren is of somewhat less than savoury moral character. Wow, that was subtle.
This belligerence on her part is driven by lack of sleep, so, in the spirit of the season: I forgive you Lauren. Come home and let's make some internet history.
xoxo
-Matt
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